“Yes, but you are a sheep in society, mom.” Uh, what, what do you mean I’m a sheep? “Well, yeah, you get up early, go to work, pay taxes. I’m not a sheep, I’m just going to get rich.” I try to turn it into a pedagogical moment, to find out how he thinks he can become rich without a diploma, but the conversation gets stuck – it is sometimes difficult to talk from conflicting world views. He starts singing: “Don’t you worry about a thing, lalalala, everything is gonna be alright”. In between he burps. “Don’t take me too seriously, Mom. Don’t take everything so seriously.”
Which of course I do. I’ll probably take it seriously. This is my son, whom I would prefer to send into society as a full-fledged and responsible citizen. Like a sheep, probably, in his eyes. What exactly is that, a sheep? A docile animal, one that does not think for itself, but walks along with the herd, in the worst case scenario, prey to the wolf, which considers itself superior, that’s what it must be.
Could it be that I am a sheep? Could it be that I’ve spent my whole life thinking I’m doing what I want, but I’ve actually been brainwashed and am nothing more than food for the wolves in this society? And why do I experience it as a criticism, is it by definition stupid and pathetic to be a sheep? “You make the rich richer, mom, and they shouldn’t get up early to do that,” is how much explanation I get about my sheepishness. Would it? Does my son see something I don’t see? I have to hand it to him that he gets excellent marks for philosophy, and that it has often been shown that he comes from an original corner.
Independent in groups
“With his reservations, your son fits into a tradition of great thinkers,” says philosopher Johan Braeckman, whom I call about the sheep issue because I can’t figure it out myself. I am immediately grateful to him. My son, in a tradition of great thinkers! “Søren Kierkegaard’s entire work is about being authentic and thinking for yourself. The existentialists, who thought about how you can live your life autonomously and in freedom without being guided by the expectations of others, took over from him. You can only encourage that someone wants to think for themselves, that is a good thing.”
The question is: to be true to yourself and your own values, do you necessarily have to step away from the herd? Is a self-chosen path by definition also a lonely path? “No, it shouldn’t be like that. It is not always positive to step away from the herd,” says Braeckman. “It’s not even very human, because man is essentially a herd animal – or, to put it more sympathetically: a group animal. A person alone on the savannah is a bird for the cat, just as a group of people consisting of all individuals who want to go in a different direction.”
It’s also a matter of psychology. “A person wants to belong somewhere. An extreme example of non-group animals are the lone wolves, terrorists who sow murder and destruction on their own. And even in the milder form, it is not always positive to completely withdraw from the group. People who go to live in a cabin alone may be intriguing, but they usually don’t contribute much to society. What you need for an open and well-functioning society are people who are part of the group, but still maintain their independence of thought. In every meeting you need people who dare to say their ideas against the prevailing opinion – even if only to delay consensus. If one person on the Challenger team had said out loud in 1986 that he feared it would not be wise to proceed with the launch of the space shuttle, there would probably not have been seven deaths.”
Trusting a wolf
Time to link back to my resident philosopher. And this time I don’t want to get caught. I’m not going to take it personally, I’m not going to roll my eyes, I’m not going to wrap my disbelief in sentences that start with “But boy!”, I’m not going to get angry, or be impatient. But how do I go about it? “A teenager who feels judged goes into his shell,” says developmental psychologist Maarten Vansteenkiste. “What you need is a curious, open attitude. Let him tell you how he sees it, and ask simple questions if necessary.” Ok, I can do that, that’s even one of my specialties in my job.
Only when I talk to my son I am of course not a journalist, but a mother on a mission. “You shouldn’t want too much at once,” says Vansteenkiste. “In an initial conversation, ask how he plans to become rich and whether he thinks he is on the right track to achieving his goal. And then in a later conversation you can come back to what he wants to do with that money, why he finds money important, or whether he sees a link between money and happiness. There is no point in you explaining your own vision of life, because teenagers usually look to their parents to know what they don’t want. All you can do is demonstrate what it means to be guided by your values and interests. For the rest you need basic trust. 14-year-olds are generally not yet clear about what they want, which can make them susceptible to the attraction of things like money and popularity. An adolescent needs time to develop his inner compass.”
On a wasted evening I see my chance. When I ask for an explanation about a report from school about persistent cell phone use, my wolf is suddenly back at the table. “Ha, you know, I’m not a sheep in society.” I say I know, ask again what he means by those sheep in society, and how he plans to approach becoming rich. He says that I shouldn’t worry, he even has two business plans. There are opportunities on the second-hand market – sneakers, sweaters, T-shirts. Wow, I think, this is going well, he’s been thinking. “And if that doesn’t work out, I can always kidnap dogs and ask for ransom.” I start laughing and think: trust. Everything is gonna be alright. Lalalala.
