SEND EVERYTHING
With Antoine, I thought it was for life. I had already written the entire film, the three-piece suit that we would buy (I had put an alert on Le Bon Coin), the names of our two children (Tess and Félix), the outfit that I would wear on the day of our wedding (a white denim jumpsuit). The couples around us told us their little or big news. I smiled, each time more tense. But, sure of myself, I was gradually losing patience. Two years, then three, then seven, nothing came. Faced with Antoine’s procrastination, I ended up realizing the obvious: the pretty story I had written would only exist in my head. So I slammed the door, I left with my dreams and my bitterness.
I had left the man I considered my future husband
I was 29 years old, with a career as well mapped out – I was a lawyer, and, I who had cut ties with my family, this straight future reassured me, responded to the deep need to recreate a cocoon for myself. I felt dizzy when I gave Antoine the keys to his studio. December was just around the corner. We used to spend the holidays with a small group of friends. The prospect of finding myself with him under the tree, of putting on a good face in front of my friends seemed insurmountable. Patching up with my mother was no less so. One night, fidgeting on the sofa of the friend I was camping with, I had an idea. An idea that didn’t suit me at all. What if I left? I had never done traveling alone. Besides, I didn’t really have a vacation. In my office, it was who would work the most inhumane hours. Too bad. Or so much the better? What if I also gave up this job that I had only chosen for the comfort it offered me?
The next day, I put my plan into action. In two weeks, I had left the man I considered my future husband, resigned and taken a multi-destination ticket. My girlfriend couldn’t believe it. ” You ? Rachel? You who have never gone to the movies alone? You who have only had a series of diplomas and promotions? You’ll go ? And for how long first? » I didn’t know and that’s what delighted me the most. Was my pretty little script refused to me? I had one power left, that of sending everything flying. I felt free, strong. But still so angry.
A GUY like the ones I decided to run away from
It was snowing the morning I boarded the RER for Roissy. A small bundle, in which I had stuffed random summer clothes and my passport. That was about it. I had emptied the last things that remained in Antoine’s studio, not without a big pang in my heart. I landed in Bangkok under a bright sun and headed for Chiang Mai, in the north. It was the baptism of fire. I found myself blending easily into the landscape, showing myself to be curious and flexible. If Antoine saw me, he wouldn’t recognize me, I sometimes told myself, before chasing the thought away with floods of insults. Then I took the road again heading south, towards the Burmese border. I had planned, for Christmas Day, to treat myself to a relaxing break on an island that someone had recommended to me. I waited on the pier, crushed by the heat, a cap screwed on my head, a book tucked under my elbow.
On the boat making the crossing, I was looking for a cool place. I couldn’t help but moan when, in the shaded corner I had spotted, I found myself face to face with a guy like the ones I had decided to flee. Everything screamed the male proud of himself. His torn denim shorts, the way he carries himself as if only he was waiting for him, his arrogant beauty. I decided not to let it happen and placed myself on the bench next to him. I then noticed that he too was holding a book in his hand. Stupor. It was the same as mine: “The First Man,” by Albert Camus. Fate could hardly have given a heavier wink. Irritated, I decided to ignore him.
I FELT I BECOMING someone else
We ended up arriving safely without having exchanged a word. As luck would have it, the “first man” occupied the bungalow next to mine. The view was breathtaking. Lulled by the crossing, softened by the heat, softened by the beauty of the landscape, I lowered my guard. We got to know each other. Politely then with more warmth. He was German, came to spend the holidays in the sun with his partner who was to meet him a little later, he didn’t really know when, making plans was not their strong point, they let themselves live. Our terraces were separated by a bamboo hedge between which hammocks swung. Tired of talking, we doze off like that, our feet tangled in the air. A small sound of footsteps woke me from sleep. A creature made of hair approached us in a white swimsuit, I was captivated. She leaned over my new friend and kissed him full on the mouth. He kissed her back for a long time, his eyes still closed. Then he jumped when he saw the face of the creature – his girlfriend.
It couldn’t be further from everything I had known
He thought it was me who kissed him. And, from the way he returned the kiss, I understood that he had found the idea to his liking. It was still swollen! But I must admit, I was troubled. I don’t know if it was the sight of the two of them, the mass of golden hair moving down the young girl’s slender back, but I felt myself becoming someone else. I spent the next few days in their company. From the hammocks, my German friend told me about another island, even smaller, that we could reach by canoe. He suggested that we go together. I decided to go alone. The appearance of his girlfriend having reshuffled my plans. I then surprised myself by not feeling any annoyance. It seemed like the perfect place to spend Christmas. It couldn’t have been further from everything I had known.
CHRISTMAS HAS PASSED WITHOUT US NOTICED
As I climbed onto the canoe, I turned around to salute the landscape one last time. He was there. On the pier where we had disembarked a week earlier. “Anna?” – She went to meet a friend for the weekend. I can come with you ? » From that moment on, my memories are both very precise and very vague. The little cabin on the beach that we decided to share as if it were obvious. The expectation and the fear when we ended up lying side by side on the bed, without daring to touch each other. The irritating slowness with which we let a foot slide, finally, along an ankle. The sultry climate. The small bed with the large mosquito net in which our arms and legs kept getting caught. It lasted a week. For a week, we barely went out, just enough time to taste a grilled fish, sip a coconut, or immerse ourselves in the coolness of the water.
I told him about Antoine, the breakup, this family I didn’t want to hear about anymore. We only spoke in the present tense. Anna was waiting for him. And me a world tour. Too busy discovering each other… Christmas passed without us noticing. Then we had to get back on the road. I took another plane, this time to Japan. I have loved other men. We wrote to each other a little, then more. Two years later, back in Paris, I met the man who would become my husband. But that day, I hadn’t planned anything at all. In Thailand, I had learned to live the stories rather than telling them to myself.
2023-12-19 06:59:15
#Christmas #story #learned #love #world #Elle
