Ronald had read that a high percentage of people with chronic cancer end up in burnout because they bottle up these types of complex questions and emotions. “I didn’t want to have to deal with that after this shitty process, so I decided I was just going to throw my emotions out there and talk about it. With my friends, girlfriend and my sisters.”
But that turned out not to be that easy. “Sometimes I was angry, sad or felt misunderstood. I would have the perfect sentences in my head, but when I wanted to say them, I would shut down completely. Sometimes I had to cry for half a minute before I could get a word out. But the more I did it, the easier it became.”
Intimacy
“The cancer also affected my relationship. The bond with my girlfriend went from man-woman to informal caregiver-patient. I was completely dependent on her, because I could not walk, shower or make food myself. She really had to take care of me. That made me very insecure.
In addition, my body also changed. I used to exercise a lot, but now I was only 50 kilos. For a year and a half I walked with a large intestinal stoma, a leaking bag on my body. I no longer felt sexy, and intimacy is about self-image and trust. It is almost impossible to pick it up again after a year and a half.”
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Partner
Ronald notices that his illness is also difficult for his girlfriend. “It is actually a forgotten group, partners of sick people. She also experienced the medical cycle I was in: when my blood was not good, when I was given new medication, when I had strange side effects or was examined again. That also demanded a lot from her.”
According to Ronald’s nurse, partners are not synchronized with each other in the disease process. “The sick are often slightly ahead. I had already accepted some things while she was still processing them. For example, she was still struggling with the fact that there was no answer to the question of how long I would live, even though I had already resigned myself to that.
Everything became a bit too much for her, so I decided to say less about what I was thinking and feeling. But I also noticed that I was less concerned with her, because you are in a selfish bubble during such a disease process. You want to recover as quickly as possible, so that you can take on all those roles of father, partner, friend and employee. Ultimately, our relationship ended after 7 years, but I am still grateful for everything she did for me.”
Transformation
Ronald says that he went through a transformation thanks to the cancer. “I was in sales and wore tailor-made suits. Nice cars, clothes, money. I was always working, always on. But actually I was locked in a golden cage all this time. When I lost my life due to my illness, I had no choice but to go back to the core. Who am I really and what do I want?
I come from an entrepreneurial family, where it was normal to always work and there was no room for being sick or whining. Now I notice that I never listened carefully to my body all this time.”
Sweet doing nothing
That is why Ronald decides to drastically change his attitude. “I started living a more meaningful life, being more concerned with things other than work. The Italians put it very nicely: ‘sweet doing nothing, or ‘the sweet thing of doing nothing’. Just enjoy being, without feeling guilty about not doing anything ‘useful’.
You can compare such a transformation with a grieving process: you have to say goodbye to your old self. That takes time, for me the process took two and a half years. Gradually I turned into Ronald 2.0, the person I always should have been. I actually wish that had happened sooner.”
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Diary
Ronald realizes that he cannot be the only one going through this. “But I couldn’t find anything online. Apparently there are few men who talk about this. Then I thought, maybe I should do it.”
Ronald keeps a diary during his illness. “To process my feelings, but also so that my son can read it when he is older. I thought that maybe I could help people who are in a similar situation and can recognize themselves in my story. Then I started approaching publishers.”
From career to cancer
Ronald is allowed to convert his diary into a book. “That was very difficult, because some topics, such as uncertainty and vulnerability, cannot be summarized in one chapter. But in the end it worked.”
His book is now From career to cancer for sale. “When I hear from sick people, but also from healthy people, that they have gained strength and new insights from the book, it makes me very happy. There are even men who let their wives read the book because they find it difficult to talk about their feelings.”
Ronald’s illness is currently stable and he looks back on the past years with positive feelings. “It was actually a gift. My illness has given me a second life in the way I had always wanted to live it. I can enjoy it a lot more now, but you only find that out when you are pulled out of the crazy mill of your career.”
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2023-12-25 06:06:46
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