Katja Schuurman on Letting Go and Parenting in the Netflix film Oops, I’m Growing!

Source: Netflix

In the film, Kim is rather overbearing when it comes to the kids. Are you like that in real life?

“I am a completely different mother than Kim. Personally, I think raising the phenomenon and the idea that you can shape your children with it is overrated. A child is already for the most part who he or she is, without you having to do anything. You can think of anything and set tight limits, but that doesn’t always work. Some need it, others resist it like some kind of wild animal that you cage. I believe that if you release children – if they can handle it – they will feel more comfortable taking responsibility and making decisions themselves. They have to do something because they want to, not because mom or dad has to.”

Can you give an example?

“I try to look at my feelings and who I have in front of me. I find it quite annoying when a child gets a candy somewhere, and that parents respond with: ‘So what do you say?’ Many people believe that a child should learn to say thank you. I tend to disagree. I always say thank you myself and I now see that my little one does the same on his own. Even though I never told her that. I therefore believe in living ahead and letting go of things.”

‘I try to act more from my feelings and apply reverse psychology’

What do you think is important in education?

“Parents often bring children into the world from a romantic idea and don’t think about practical things. You need to know what’s important to you and discuss it. For example, if my child doesn’t feel like finishing her plate and I say, “You have to, you have to,” then I ruin the fun of the meal. And often it has no effect. Which I do understand, by the way, because I can sometimes react puberously when someone tells me I have to do something. That’s why I try to act more from my feeling and apply reverse psychology. When I tell her not to do something, she does it right. So I leave such a plate of food or I tell her not to eat it.”

Read also: Katja Schuurman celebrates daughter Sammie’s birthday with ex Thijs Römer

Does that also work with Sammie?

“Haha no. She is now thirteen and decides a lot for herself. For example, I smoke occasionally and she thinks that’s stupid. Me too, by the way, but then I always joke: ‘Do you know why I do that, honey? I’m doing that for you, so you can rebel against your mother. But I can’t get away with that anymore. It has been scientifically proven that smoking weed or drinking before the age of eighteen is very bad for developing brains, so I definitely want to prevent my daughters from doing that. I’m afraid banning is not watertight. You never know if you’re doing the right thing for your child. Or they learn to drink because you – and ‘everyone’ – do. Or they turn off because you do. Ultimately, they have to discover for themselves what they want. I don’t want to be rigid about that. I want to discuss things like that and basically everything openly as much as possible. Sometimes more than Sammie would like.”

‘Especially now that she is in secondary school, Sammie is more formed by her friends than by me and Thijs as parents’

What personal achievement as a parent are you most proud of?

“I’m most proud when they say, ‘I love you so much, mama’. I often say to my youngest: ‘Thank you for letting me be your mommy’, to which she responds: ‘Oh mommy, I love you so much’. So sweet. Then I really eat her up. But even when Sammie confides in me or has a conversation without a fight, I am proud. Then I feel I’m doing a good job because she trusts me. Of course I like that she is so independent and does very well at school, but that’s not just because of me. That’s mainly because she’s such a tough girl. Especially now that she is in secondary school, she is shaped more by her friends than by me and Thijs as parents.”

In both the movie and your real life you are in a Modern Family construction, how do you make sure you are on the same page in terms of parenting?

“You are never always on the same page, but you don’t have to. I think the child is the most important. They must be the center of attention. I’m good with both exes and get along well with Igone and Freek’s new girlfriend. I find that very important. They spend a lot of time with my child and it is so nice to celebrate birthdays in front of everyone. I also like to keep the harmony. If I have to swallow something for my child to be happy, I do it with love.

Of course it is the best thing for a child when mom and dad are together, but I do believe that this way the next best thing is. The most important thing is that you subordinate yourself and your own ego to that of your child. I really don’t find that difficult. I see how good they (Thijs Römer and Freek van Noortwijk, ed.) are as fathers; very dedicated and super sweet. That is the basis of a good upbringing.”

Oops, I’m Growing! will be available on Netflix from June 9.