– It was eight years in the dark. Eight terrible years with myself.
Cathrine Trønnes Lie describes the years after the terrorist attack on Utøya as the time out of the dark.
– There was a lot of loneliness, and a strong feeling of not being good enough, of not achieving anything.
In 2011, Cathrine had persuaded her fourteen-month-younger sister Elisabeth to join Utøya and AUF’s summer camp. Together with a group of other young people from Halden AUF, the expectant went out to the island in Tyrifjorden.
– SISTER: There were only fourteen months between Cathrine and Elisabeth. The two sisters were very close. Photo: Private
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– I had been there the year before and thought it was absolutely fantastic, so I wanted to take Elisabeth with me.
The first day was filled with exciting experiences and many impressions. The sisters had a great time. But when they woke up to torrential rain and soaking wet tents on Friday, July 22, morale was low. Then Cathrine decided that there should be a disco that night.
– Then we were very excited again and enjoyed ourselves a lot.
Bomb in Oslo
When they received the news that a bomb had gone off in central Oslo, the girls were busy calling their father, who had been at work in Oslo. They were gathered in the Café building and talked to their father, he was ok.
Cathrine wanted to go down to the tent site and went out of the great hall, turned to her little sister to see if it was okay for her to go with some friends. Cathrine showed her thumbs up and Elisabeth smiled back. That was the last time the sisters saw each other.
Then hell started.
– KILLED: Elisabeth Trønnes Lie was 16 years old when she was killed during the terror on Utøya. Big sister Cathrine describes her as a very kind girl who cared about everyone. Photo: Private
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The story goes that Elisabeth stayed in the Café building. That she froze when the perpetrator entered the Great Hall and started firing. She never managed to get out and was shot and killed next to one wall in the room.
Cathrine had heard the shots and ran from the tent site to Kjærlighetsstien. She continued across the island on bare, torn feet.
– I heard screams and shots all the time and it got closer. I heard it behind me and suddenly it slammed into my back and chest.
Shot twice
She had been shot with so-called expanding ammunition. It exploded inside her body and broke off two ribs and punctured one lung.
– When I was shot in the back, I thought it was all over, so I fainted.
When she woke up and was shot again, then in the arm, one thought went through her head.
– SHOT: Cathrine Trønnes Lie was shot twice on Utøya. First in the back, then in the arm. The arm is still not quite in order, eleven years later. Photo: Ingvild Gjerdsjø / TV 2
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– I did not die! I was not ready to die, and then I had to hold on to life in a way.
For almost two hours she lay next to a rock by the water. She pressed against it to stop as much of the bleeding as possible. But the blood did not stop flowing out of her. She remembers that she was eventually extremely thirsty.
– All the blood I lost made me so thirsty. Then I saw a boy hiding next to the mountain wall. I was so desperate and rude that I asked if he could get me some water.
Finally, she was picked up by police in a red rubber dinghy. She was placed at the very front of the boat that was carrying as many injured youths as they were able to fill it with.
– I remember very well that one policeman spoke to me during the whole trip. What my name was, what I did at school, what I wanted to do next. All to get the focus away from the pain. It was really a very nice gesture.
The message of death
Cathrine was transported by helicopter to Ullevål where she underwent several operations. She was critically injured and had lost almost two liters of blood.
But she, or the family, does not know at this point that Elisabeth has been killed. It will take a week before they get it confirmed.
– I almost do not remember how I reacted. I was in the intensive care unit and was critically injured and had to undergo several operations … it was absolutely awful.
It was now that Cathrine began to build the wall around her. A wall that would grow higher and right.
– I had lost my sister, but was also shot and I felt that since I had survived, I had to be strong. And to be strong was not to show emotion, so I closed myself behind the mask.
Cathrine could not bear to begin to feel the grief, but she saw how devastated the family was over the loss of Elisabeth. It made her think that the wrong sister had come home alive and she felt guilty for having survived. When people asked her how it went, she said: “it’s going well”.
Isolated
But it did not go well. She functioned worse and worse in everyday life, dropped out of school and in the end she was almost completely isolated. Countless hours with various psychologists did not help either. Everything felt hopeless.
– I had agreed to just be at home and just exist. I had no dreams and took each day as it came because I saw no other possibilities.
After many years in this darkness, she came across new therapy, and suddenly she had a breakthrough.
– I went a long time and did not understand why I was there. I did not understand the plan until suddenly something opened up in my head. Then I understood the way to think, how to remove stupid thoughts, and how to find new ways of thinking.
This caused her to begin to return to life. She got out, gradually started working and completed the book “Sisters”, which was awarded the Brage Prize, together with author Mariangela Di Fiore. The book is about Elisabeth and Cathrine, but also about the third sister Victoria who was only a child in 2011, but who is now Cathrine’s best friend. Cathrine thinks of Elisabeth every day.
– The grief will always be there, but it is not as painful anymore.
– LECTURES: Today, Cathrine gives lectures at high schools. Her message is that Photo: Ingvild Gjerdsjø / TV 2
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Will help young people
Now the 28-year-old from Halden wants to use his experiences to help young people cope with adversity and master everyday life. Through The Cultural Schoolbag, she travels around upper secondary schools and gives lectures.
– Although not everyone can recognize themselves in my story, most people can recognize themselves in the feeling of sadness, incompetence, all these feelings that you do not get things done. Knowing that you are not alone in having these feelings and that there is an opportunity to get better is so important to convey. Look at me, I spent many years, the road can be long and there is no such thing as quick fix.
With this message, she hopes to be able to give other people hope.
– I want to tell the whole world that it is allowed to have a hard time, but that it is also allowed to spend a long time getting up. Many need to hear it, not just youth but adults as well.
– FOLLOWS: The students at Sandvika upper secondary school in Bærum follow when Cathrine tells her story. Photo: Ingvild Gjerdsjø / TV 2
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She says that the young people she meets give feedback that what she tells makes an impression on them.
– I feel so much love after giving a lecture. It can be a noisy bunch, but when I start talking everyone is completely quiet. I get standing ovations, it’s the tear and thank you. It gives me so extremely much, I get so happy about it.
– DREAMS: For the first time in many years, Cathrine Trønnes Lie dares to dream about the future that she now thinks is bright. Photo: Ingvild Gjerdsjø / TV 2
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For the first time in many years, Cathrine has dreams for the future.
– I want to convey. Talk to people. Think I should say that, I who hated standing in front of others and talking loudly, it could make me cry. That I can leave traces in others to get better with themselves, that’s what I want.
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