I hope the moderators will let it through, right? There have never been such juicy topics here before.
I thought for a long time whether to post this post in the “My Body” section or in the “Letter to a Psychologist”. I decided to do it last, because obsessive thoughts about it led me to an anxiety-depressive disorder. I’m writing here for the first time, I don’t know what words are missing here, so I’ll write it in a streamlined manner.
I know for sure that many men are very concerned about this, so I hope that my story will benefit someone. I am also sure that comments on this post will be very valuable.
Now let’s talk about everything in order. I’m 34, I work in the banking sector, I earn good money. I am an active, athletic, cheerful, sincere person, but at the same time neurotic, sometimes suspicious and anxious. Growing up in a same-sex family consisting of a mother and grandmother, in a sense, deprived me of the ability to act without regard for someone. As children, my brother and I were constantly monitored, our pockets and backpacks were checked, and we were compared to our mother’s friend’s son. The attitude was “it’s better not to do anything, otherwise you never know what will happen, and after school you’ll go straight home!” Since childhood, I thought that you need to blow off specks of dust from women and be a real knight, and then there will be real love and reciprocity. At the same time, he was afraid and embarrassed of them.
Apparently, the whole story began at about 15 years old, when we, as teenagers in the most acute phase of adolescence, hung out in the gateway, drank Baltic Nine, discussed the theoretical aspects of upcoming sexual relationships with girls and tried to get drunk more quickly in order to become adults. So, after a heavy dose of beer, we surrounded a large puddle and began to relieve ourselves there. Gateway, evening, the lights are off. And then one of my comrades makes an absolutely standard joke for teenagers: “Ahaha, look, he has a small penis!” No one even paid much attention, including me, because such jokes were the norm. But the question arises, why do I now remember this situation as if it were yesterday?
Almost 20 years have passed since then, a lot has happened in life: relationships, an unsuccessful marriage, from which a beloved son grows up, relationships again, paid girls (throw tomatoes). And all this time I was not worried about the issue of size, I didn’t even think about it too much.
Let’s go back a little: after several years of marriage, I began to catch myself thinking that I was somehow ashamed to be naked in front of my wife when I was not aroused, because at that time my penis really looked somehow small, childish. Although everything was fine in our intimate life. At that time, I started having problems at work: huge overloads, crazy responsibility. The result is family discord, prostatitis, decreased libido. Perhaps self-esteem and mental protection also suffered from endless overtime and attacks from superiors. I had to run away from this job, but there was a mortgage, a child, and obligations. As I wrote above, unfortunately, the marriage ended in divorce.
Then, after a few troubled years, I met a girl with whom I fell madly in love as a bespectacled student. She was 5 years younger than me, with a difficult childhood, a lot of baggage from the past and very good acting talents. 100% she had an avoidant type of attachment: I am closer – she is further away; I am warmer – she is colder; I want to talk – she’s tired. The result was a classic codependent relationship: I took over all the finances, the entire household, the entire organization of life, the car, etc. in the hope that they will appreciate it and give me at least a drop of warmth and acceptance. In short, I heeled to the fullest. But every time I came across indifference, like an ice wall. I didn’t think it could hurt so much.
She cleverly tricked me into giving me gifts, interesting leisure time and solutions to her problems, and in return she gave me a fabulous cupcake, just like in films for adults. With all this, with her I constantly felt as if I was falling short of something, as if they expected more from me and were dissatisfied with me. As I remember this constantly absent and arrogant expression on his face, brrr… A reference to a difficult childhood: feelings are not important, the main task is to survive. It was very important for her to live up to something, I never understood what. Thousands of selfies and staged photos on the latest model iPhone, active social networks, excessive worries about clothes. At first it was funny to see how she stood on her toes so that her legs would appear longer in the photo, but then her similar attempts to deceive herself began to irritate me. Be that as it may, low self-esteem is behind the avoidant attachment style, just like my anxious attachment type.
With her I felt anxious, ashamed, it seemed that she was evaluating me, that I would screw up, that I would be judged and rejected, and problems with potency appeared. I tried to get closer to her, talk to her, but I ran into an icy wall. And it was then that I began to have complexes about my size, I don’t know why, I was probably thinking about her baggage from the past and what she had seen before me. I asked her directly about this, she, with downcast eyes, only said that she was satisfied with everything. Perhaps I thought too much of myself. But this coldness and indifference… I would even call it rejection.
I understand that you only need to compare yourself with yourself, but as it is. I foresee comments from women in the spirit of “a normal man does not care about a woman’s past, he is confident in himself and knows that he is the best.” So, dear ladies, a normal man is very concerned about a woman’s past, but that’s a completely different story.
In the end, all my suspicions were justified. Three years of relationship ended with open consumption of my resources on her part and anxiety-depressive disorder on mine. For the first time in my life (I used to think it was a joke) I heard in direct text what and how much a man owes, who buys gifts for her friends on birthdays, who pays for vacations, everyday life and entertainment, etc.. Otherwise, why would she need such a man. In response to my insomnia and fatigue, there was only contempt and “men are weak these days.” In general, these relationships are not the subject of this article, but are important for understanding the situation at the beginning of my problem. I gained invaluable experience from this relationship, it’s a pity it was only 3 years of time. I think every man needs to go through such a woman, and it’s better to do it early 🙂
We broke up, it took me a while to come to my senses, I didn’t want a new relationship at all, the depression didn’t go away on its own. And so I decided that I should get out of holes and meet someone, and not sit like a bear in a den.
How does this affect me
And this is where it really hit me: obsessive anxious thoughts appeared specifically about my size: that it was very small, that they would laugh at me, that no woman would be with me, and if she was, she would secretly want someone else, that I was incapable satisfy a woman that a normal man has everything in order in his pants, etc. I couldn’t sleep because of this, and at night I was overcome by anxiety and shame, a feeling of inferiority. It has calmed down a little now, but the problem still hasn’t gone away.
Now, when I have a cupcake coming up, within a few days I already start to feel anxious and stressed. Problems with potency began, I had to use magic pills that help every now and then. The persecution also began because of this. As a result, obsessive thoughts and anxiety have developed into specific depression, sleeping for 4-5 hours on sleeping pills, complete lack of energy, it takes me 2 hours to get out of bed in the morning, my immunity has weakened, although before that I had not had a cold for 15 years, painful pimples are constantly popping up on the body. There are other causes of depression, but that’s not about that now. I stopped communicating with women altogether, not before. It’s also winter outside, with rain and puddles all over the yard.
What am I trying to do
Working on this issue is part of a more general work with a psychotherapist. I have been studying the cognitive behavioral approach for a year now. The specialist deliberately chose a young, pretty girl to overcome his burning shame.
We learn to defend personal boundaries, shift the focus of attention to ourselves, not take responsibility for other people’s emotions and expectations, assertive behavior, and search for positive reinforcement in business. All this applies to all areas of life and is applicable to the question of this post. For example, if a woman doesn’t like my size, that doesn’t make me bad, guilty or inferior, right?
I also had to start taking an antidepressant; I realized that I couldn’t handle the winter on my own. Before going to bed, I often walk in the park with my favorite music, take baths with salt, do Jacobson muscle relaxation, if possible, go skiing and go to the pool and sauna. I want to get a cat.
I’m rethinking my attitude towards women in general: now it’s not me for a woman, but we are equal partners. In sex, I think not only about the woman, but also about myself.
I am not discouraged, the end of this is near, and spring is coming. Eh, it’s a pity that Tinder left the country 🙂
2024-01-30 05:53:11
#problems #intimate #life
