In terms of salmon: I’d been swimming upstream in tight heels and pants, with a cocktail in one hand and a slide show control in the other. And when it was time to have a baby, and the river told me that I had to give up all that and that my old self had to die atrociously, I was a shocked fish.
I was pregnant and they had fired me, and I felt like I was dying. I left the office and found myself wandering through downtown Seattle. I called my husband, told him the news and said, “Is there a manhattan without alcohol?”
My daughter was born at the beginning of the pandemic – March 17, 2020. Family soon meant something completely different to us. Survival seemed more real to us than ever. We took refuge and became a united family in our nest and kept as safe as we could.
I, who had never been a nest builder, now moved earth and stones to make our apartment a safe and cozy nest. This was where I truly fell in love with my daughter, Marcelline. I also found a new love for my husband, Evan, when, after a very rough night, I suggested that we move Marcelline’s bassinet from her side of the bed to mine. Since he only passed it to me to feed her, it didn’t make sense for him to lose as much sleep as I did.
Evan shook his head and said, “I just like that he’s close to me.”
When my mother came to help us for four months, I also saw her love in a new way. Not once was she frustrated with Marcelline, who cried and cried as my mother held her and sang to her. When Marcelline fell asleep, my mother asked for a pillow so she could support the arm that supported my sleeping baby’s head. Then they would sit there and rock for hours.
“Were you doing this for me?”
She nodded and smiled. I don’t remember my answer, but I’m sure she was crying. I cried a lot during that time. I was my mother’s first child, so she couldn’t help but laugh at my nervous breakdowns and hold me tighter despite my legitimate concerns. She had learned from me, and now I learned from her, just as salmon come back years later to spawn in the same stream where they were born. I suppose there is a natural attraction to going back to where you came from, when you are ready to make your life for yourself.
I fed my baby with my body. I get it, salmon. We will give anything to help that being we love to survive and prosper. And I know that for some parents it’s formula; for others, someone else’s breast milk. For me and my daughter, it was my breasts.
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