FRIENDSHIP – Looking at my friend’s greyed out WhatsApp profile, I realized that our seven year friendship was over.
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It was the end of January, possibly the bleakest month of containment, and the remnants of our last argument lingered in the background. It had been rough, but we had passed the most difficult course without too much difficulty. And then the floodgates of my emotions opened. When we began to express more openly the issues that existed between us, the anxiety, doubt and fear of maladjustment that had accumulated over the years came to the surface. My words weren’t mean, but they were hurtful, and as I spoke them I knew I couldn’t go back.
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I wish I could say that confinement played no role in the end of our friendship (the Covid has already deprived us of so many pleasures!) But to deny its role would be to deny the truth.
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Since the start of the pandemic, 3.7 million adults say they feel more alone. The confinement has been a source of stress and mental fatigue for many, including me. But it also allowed me to better analyze the emotions that I had repressed as if they were overreactions.
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Because of my borderline personality disorder, my emotions soar to the point that I constantly feel overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts, an experience that I am not ready to deal with mentally. When I met my friend, she understood my anxieties because she had them too, but for other reasons. I won’t go so far as to assert that a particular bond united us, but how we understood each other and we got along well, even when we did not agree.
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“Watching our friendship fall apart in such a visceral way has been a terrible experience. The loss was real, tangible. In fact, I was grieving for what our friendship had been, not for what we had become. ”
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Watching our friendship fall apart in such a visceral way has been a terrible experience. The loss was real, tangible. In fact, I was in mourning for what our friendship had been, not for what we had become. If I had been more lucid, I would have noticed that our breakup was inevitable, not because of the confinement (although it undeniably accelerated the process) nor because of the bad temper of one of us, but because we have become less compatible over the years.
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The time I spent confined accentuated too many unexpressed reproaches, too many wounds hidden under makeshift bandages. Once freed from the social pressure of maintaining a friendship in the name of the past, I was able to reflect on who I am.
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The idealized image of friendship that society has created is as beautiful as it is dangerous. She promises a lot, as if she can outlast anything despite the way we have grown over the years, but rarely delivers on her promises. Some friendships survive every storm, but most people lose friends more often than they care to admit. Even though we know that sometimes they end, this realization often involves one of the two parties being at fault, when they are simply moving away from each other.
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The confinement gave us time to think, to face our emotions. We had to face the truths we were trying to ignore: look at all these couples who broke up, all these people who quit their jobs or come out for a year. Locked in our homes, we had nothing to explore other than ourselves.
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“It’s not easy to lose friends during lockdown, and it’s a difficulty that will likely fade now that the restrictions are being lifted, but it won’t be forgotten anytime soon.”
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This is the situation I found myself in four months ago, doomed to grief because I had no escape. It was unpleasant, but this ordeal made me stronger and helped me get to know myself better. I now see more clearly that we both did well to end our friendship.
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It’s not easy to lose friends during lockdown, and it’s a difficulty that will likely fade now that the restrictions are being lifted, but it won’t be soon forgotten. Our recent separations are all the more difficult as we have been disconnected from the social world, reduced to a stifling loneliness.
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Even today, although I have no doubts about my decisions, I feel sorry when I see friends making arrangements to see each other after months of separation. It reminds me that my group of friends has shrunk, that the new memories I am going to make will not include some people. However, it’s important to keep in mind that there is a reason why we distance ourselves from someone. Separation evokes negative connotations, but people can leave each other because they evolve in different environments or, as in my case, because of incompatibility.
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I am absolutely not a believer, but I have come to understand that just because someone enters your life does not mean that they will never leave. I will always have fond memories of my ex-girlfriend, but they will be frozen in the past.
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Although it saddens me, I know that we have both done for the best.
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This blog, published on the British HuffPost, was translated by M. André for Fast ForWord.
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See also on The HuffPost: The confinement reunited Cathy and Adam and created a beautiful friendship
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