Mila (40 years old): “Dear Sanderijn, I have been with my partner for 15 years and we are doing well. A baby would complete our happiness, but I’ve never had a penis in my vagina. We are both very satisfied with our sex life. He and I both don’t mind having sex in other ways, but penetration doesn’t work for me. ”
Sanderijn: “It’s great that you’ve found other ways to have fun together.”
Mila: “Fortunately. I was once treated for my vaginismus. Then I had to practice inserting chopsticks into my vagina, but I thought it was a drama. I quit. We enjoy sex in other ways, but now that we have the desire to have children, we still have to deal with it. I don’t want to think about having to go through a whole process for my vaginismus again, because we want a baby so badly. ”
Sanderijn: “There is no mention of guilt or ‘non-compliance’ in the case of vaginismus. Certainly not because both of you have no problems or can make it. Clearly there is no need anywhere to change it. Be proud that you have discovered that there are so many other ways to have sexual pleasure with one another. And that you are both very satisfied with this sex life. Keep it that way. Also, I can reassure you: to get pregnant, penetration is not necessarily necessary. Also, you don’t have to go to a specialist to get pregnant artificially. It’s all very simple to do on your own, preferably at the right time in your period. All you need is a pipette, a small syringe (without a needle) or a dropper. In this you capture sperm that your partner produces during an orgasm. It is important that the sperm is as fresh as possible, you cannot keep it for days in the refrigerator. So you use it right after ejaculation. You can place the pipette with some semen against the opening of your vagina and let the semen drip inside. If you do this yourself, you have control over how far the pipette goes. It is also possible to insert semen into the vagina with a finger. It doesn’t take long to get pregnant. Then lie down for 10 minutes with the buttocks and legs a little higher, for example, on a pillow. To facilitate fertilization, it is important to check the time of ovulation first. And on that most fertile day you put sperm in it. Do you know when you ovulate? ”
Mila: “I have a very irregular period”.
Sanderijn: “Then I would use one of the many ovulation tests that are on sale in pharmacies or pharmacies. They are usually very reliable. On the days when you are most fertile according to the test, you and your partner can do the fertilization yourself.
Mila: “Suppose I get pregnant, how should I deal with my vaginismus during pregnancy and childbirth?”
Sanderijn: “You don’t have to worry about that either. We know from research that women with vaginismus usually have no problems with a vaginal birth. After all, nothing goes ‘in’, only ‘out’. If this is the case, a gynecologist or midwife will take this into account. In any case, it is good to discuss your vaginismus with your obstetrician or gynecologist as soon as you are pregnant. This person can then consider whether it is necessary to touch during dilation to measure how far the dilation has progressed. This is usually done with the fingers in the vagina. If they know you don’t want it, they can honor it. Furthermore, no internal examination is necessary during the entire pregnancy. ”
Mila: “It doesn’t seem difficult at all! Now ‘just’ get pregnant. ”
Sanderijn: “And try not to make that moment of pregnancy, that is conception, too medical or artificial. Try to incorporate the whole pipette process into your lovemaking. Then you will see that the insertion is also a bit easier.
Sanderijn van der Doef is a psychologist and sexologist. She has written several educational books for children and works a lot with adults who have questions about sexuality. She believes that sex should be enjoyable and fun for anyone who wants it.
