The photos scroll. Jonas at the beach, Jonas in a bar, Jonas paragliding. Jonas is 1m85 tall, a Sagittarius and wants children. This Parisian in his thirties intended this data* for the dating application on which he was registered before meeting his partner, a coincidence of life, in a bar in the capital. But one day, a friend wrote to her: this information (photos included) had just been published on a private Facebook group whose name she withheld. However, she shares with him the content of the comments posted under the publication. “Women said they knew me but I had no idea who they were, they commented on my physique to say that I looked like a ‘right-wing guy’,” he loses his temper on the phone. Jonas is all the more angry because this information would have been posted by his partner at the time, with whom he had “plans”, he insists.
Alerted by friends to the existence of Jonas’ profile on a dating application, she wanted to ensure her companion’s fidelity by seeking advice from a group of women based in France of which she is a member, entitled “Are we dating the same guy?”. The principle: submit a man’s profile to collect possible feedback about him and thus avoid unpleasant surprises. “I obviously asked him to delete this publication. What was I accused of? Of having frequented dating applications before knowing her? I had done absolutely nothing, but my private life found itself exposed in front of strangers like if I was ‘presumed guilty’ of something Obviously, the trust was broken…” The couple separated, the friend who raised the alarm was excluded from the group for having “violated the rules”.
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Kindness and sisterhood
“Women are finally speaking out against the pitfalls of dating app culture, and fighting back.” It was barely two years ago, in the columns of Guardian. At the time, part of the Anglo-Saxon press and the small world of female influence were excited by the birth of the American concept “Are we dating the same guy?”. We then had in mind the numerous sexual scandals revealed in the wake of the #MeToo movement. And the role played by some whisper networksinformal chat channels often made up of women discreetly sharing information about abusive or dangerous behavior, which notably helped to gather testimonies about the American producer Harvey Weinstein. We also learned more about the hidden side of dating applications (65.3% of Tinder users are already engaged in a relationship, according to a recent study), including the role that these technologies play in the increase in gender-based and sexual violence, as demonstrated by the University of Central Florida in 2021.
Today, there are more than 200 Facebook groups of this type, from New York (where the concept was born) to Jacksonville, from Miami to Dubai, including Belgium, the United Kingdom and France. Some have a few hundred members, others tens of thousands. It must be said that at first glance, these groups look like a cocoon of benevolence and sorority. Beyond their ambition (hunting red flag, that is to say behaviors to avoid), most of the regulations put in place order people to refrain from any nasty comments, judgments on the physical appearance of men or mockery – these being focused, promises -on most groups, “on the protection of women and not on the hatred of men”.
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Workplace and LinkedIn Profiles Disclosed
Boredom, with red flagis that the notion can cover real violent and dangerous behavior as well as infidelity, including ghosting (no longer give any sign of life to signify the end of a relationship), or even… a “bad feeling”. In one of these groups, still in France, the case of a dashing sixty-year-old is thus dissected by a few women because he is “very busy and rarely available on weekends”. To fuel and enlighten the discussion, the initiator of the subject does not hesitate to provide photos and details on the family life of the individual, as well as on the state of health of one of them. his children. Verdict from one of the commentators: “Married and you can see in his eyes that the guy is greedy”. On another individual, who is accused of a painful breakup by a woman who remains anonymous, another judges that he “has a commercial look”. For some, the discussion can go as far as revealing their place of work, or even their LinkedIn profile.
“These groups respond to a real need to feel protected as women, because the climate surrounding meetings has become very anxiety-provoking, particularly since the Tinder rapist affair,” explains Véronique Reille-Soult, expert in dating strategy. reputation and crisis communications and opinion specialist. The problem is that like any large collective, whether women or men, there can be excesses (lies, revenge, voyeurism, etc.). It would be utopian to believe that the spirit of sorority could prevent this type of excess.” For the specialist, these communities would suffer the effects of two factors. First, the loneliness of its members. “Paradoxically, dating applications promote this feeling. So much so that some women feel the need to compare their lives to those of others, to find commonalities. Which can encourage a ‘one-upmanship’ effect.” Then, the closed operation of these groups, although designed to preserve the security of their members. “When you read daily stories of men who have behaved badly, you can end up believing that all men are bad, and develop a strong distrust. Hence the fact that we see women in relationships for years appearing on these groups who, for no apparent reason, expose their partner to ‘check’ if he is reliable. This is obviously problematic, because in these communities there are also members who sometimes testify to extremely serious facts such as rape, but whose words are potentially drowned out among the rest.”
“It would be utopian to believe that the spirit of sorority could prevent this type of excess”
Véronique Reille-Soult, expert in reputation strategy and crisis communication and opinion specialist
“Women live with a double fear…”
Zoé** is one of those women who are members of “Are we dating the same guy?” who agreed to respond to requests from L’Express. On the other end of the line, the young student recounts the street harassment she suffered during her college years, the anxieties she has carried with her since childhood (“I grew up with this idea that you never know who you might run into” ). For her, women live with a “double fear”, in the form of the question: “which person do I have in front of me, and which man do I have in front of me”. So when we ask him about the potential abuses of groups “Are we dating the same guy?”, the answer comes out: “when I was harassed when I was younger, these groups didn’t exist”. According to Zoé, we should not make the wrong target. “These communities are reveals, consequences of what is already happening.”
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Hunting the “mole”
Mel** is a woman, and her experience in one of these communities “traumatized” her. This single mother had joined out of curiosity but also because, being a Tinder user, the idea of a support network based on sorority appealed to her. “But very quickly, I realized that most of the members harbored a real hatred of men, to the point of not tolerating the slightest ‘discrepancy’ from… women.” The last straw happened recently, when the group administrator had just indicated the presence of a “mole” (meaning a person who has alerted a pinned man, which is prohibited by the regulations) and asked him to designate oneself. Immediately, several members began looking for the identity of this woman. When suddenly, Mel’s name is suggested. What if it was her? “I had made a joke in very bad taste a little earlier in relation to the man who was involved. It had been perceived as an attack against the woman who had just testified about him, so I had flatly excused. But some visibly started to doubt me, so when it came to looking for a traitor, my name came up, I felt cornered, I was afraid of being exposed in my turn, so I. I left the group, to be honest, I had a very bad experience.
For Jane**, the story did not stop at the group’s doors. Unlike Mel, this fifty-year-old was banished from the Canadian community to which she belonged, to the “gang mentality”, in her words. For having stood up for a few men, not by justifying their actions, but “by simply stating that we may not know all the facts”, Jane says she was “labeled as a person who supports violence against women , called all names” but also “belittled because of [s]es looks”. Women even going to his Facebook page to “send him messages about [s]”If the group stuck to its morals and rules and actually did what it’s supposed to do, I think it would be beneficial, but it’s so far removed from that that it’s not nothing other than a harassment group”, she judges today. Since then, Jane has found another community bringing together people opposed to the “Are we dating the same guy?” groups, whose ramifications abound Beyond -Atlantic (there are some for different cities).
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Never ending story
The creator of one of the largest initiatives of its kind, entitled “Victims of Are We dating the same person”, Paula Jackson, works in the health sector. She is one of those women who, one day, had the unpleasant surprise of seeing the name of a loved one appear on the American group of which she was a member. “I joined this group because I was coming out of an abusive relationship for eighteen years, I sincerely thought it was a good way to protect us as women. But when I witnessed the lies told to the against a friend (because he gave me concrete proof that he had nothing to be ashamed of), I understood that there was a problem,” she says. It was then that the idea of a response emerged. “I expected to gather a few hundred people, but I received thousands of requests from men and women who wanted to clear their names.”
But these groups are also not exempt from abuses. As L’Express was able to observe, dozens of women’s profiles are sometimes distributed in the form of screenshots. And the insults are far from non-existent. In August, on one of these groups: “You women are fucking pathetic.” “I am strictly against all forms of abuse, assures Paula Jackson. Just as I will never let a man be destroyed if he has done nothing, if I or the administrators who help me manage the various groups see abuse from men or women who come to take revenge or insult someone, we react Now, we can’t see everything. Never ending story.
*The first name and the content of the information have been modified to preserve the anonymity of the person.
**The first name has been changed.
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