Karel’s partner has had a very sweet dog of about 13 years old from Romania for two years now. So far no problem. Only: “My partner talks to the dog all day long, saying ‘hey love’, ‘darling’, ‘are you still my darling?’ In addition, he has taught the dog that he wants to be petted all day long. Quite honestly? It makes me feel sick. I don’t think this is a healthy relationship between owner and dog. How can I best discuss this with him?”
According to sexologist Jolien Spoelstra It often happens that partners feel deprived when their loved one’s attention or love goes to something or someone other than themselves. “We see this a lot when people have children and the partner is mainly concerned with the baby and cuddling it. There are plenty of partners who become jealous of this or who find the shared attention difficult.”
Spoelstra also sees this happen when a dog or other animal is added to the family. “Partners often have the idea that the dog gets all the attention or find it difficult that their partner wants to cuddle with the dog and not with them. Or that everything can be put aside for the dog, but not for them. Very occasionally people also do that with things or activities, such as a car or a hobby that requires a lot of attention.”
What is important to know, according to the sexologist: love is infinite. A person can love several people at the same time, in different ways. “You love your child very much, but if child number 2, 3 or 4 is added, this does not mean that you love the other children less. On the contrary. Moreover, the love you feel for your children is also different from the love for a partner, and they can coexist perfectly. This is also the case with the love for a dog and a partner or for friends and a partner. That emotion can go very far, also for a pet. Love is love. “
Multiple lovers at the same time
“In consensual non-monogamous relationships (such as polyamory) you also see that people can have multiple lovers at the same time. This shows that the love for one does not have to detract from the love for the other.” According to the sexologist, many people have the idea that love is finite, so that the love that goes to one person cannot go to you. “I tend to disagree.”
What is finite, on the other hand, is time, attention and your energy. The time you spend on one thing or on a particular person cannot be spent again on another. When people have children or a pet, they often have less time for their partner. “You must therefore spend the time that remains extra well, so that you continue to maintain a good connection with each other. If you feel that you do not receive enough attention to continue to feel that connection, then you will have to express this. Where one one day together at the weekend is enough, the other needs at least three evenings together a week. That differs per person.”
Need for cuddling and sex
The need for physical contact, such as cuddling and sex, is also finite, says Spoelstra. “If you have hugged and kissed your children a lot, you sometimes don’t want to have anyone next to you anymore. Your need for physical contact is then satisfied. This can of course also mean cuddling with a dog, which can make a partner feel neglected. “
According to Spoelstra, a problem arises when little connection is felt between partners or when there is little or no sexual contact. Whether the sexual contact is not satisfactory. When people do spend a lot of time and attention on a dog, this can lead to imbalances. “If Karel is not satisfied with the attention he receives, he should start a conversation about it. So about the lack of time and the insecurity and jealousy that can arise from it. Say, for example: ‘Because of all the attention for the dog, it makes me I doubt whether you still love me (enough)’ and ‘I need more confirmation from you that you still like me and still like me’.”
According to Spoelstra, the sentence ‘you have an unhealthy relationship with the dog’ will certainly not work. “If you put it this way, it will not lead to a constructive conversation. It contains a value judgment and that often leads to a defensive attitude on the part of the other person and therefore ultimately to an argument.”
“So keep it to yourself and let him know that you don’t feel good about it and are becoming insecure due to, for example, the lack of time and attention. ‘Can we investigate this together?’ For some, reassurance that there is nothing wrong with love is enough, for others it takes more to feel the connection again.”
Rubriek: Asking for a friend
In this weekly column Asking for a friend we submit reader questions about health to one of our experts. Do you also have a pressing health question for a GP, midwife, dietitian, psychologist, dermatologist or other health expert? Then email it to weekendmagazine@rtl.nl and who knows, you might see the answer appear here.
2024-02-05 10:19:58
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