Teenagers aren’t exactly known for their willingness to listen. At a stage when they are discovering the world and themselves, they often become reserved. For this reason, it is likely that when you try to approach them, you will feel like you are walking on glass that is about to break.
At this stage, communication becomes difficult and sometimes you may even have the feeling that he or she is not listening to you. However, it is not the best time to throw in the towel. Now, more than ever, your child needs your supervision, guidance and support. But how to give it to him if he doesn’t listen to your advice?
Without support, there is no advice
There is a fine line between helpful help and overwhelming advice.Karolina Grabowska – Pexels
Last year, two psychologists from the University of California They wondered why, even though parents try to do the right thing to help their children, many young people and adolescents do not value that effort and turn a deaf ear to their advice.
To find out the answer, they recruited almost 200 young people and asked them to reflect on the occasions in which their parents had advised them and indicate whether those words had been useful and helped them feel better.
A very interesting pattern came to light: when parents supported their autonomy, young people and adolescents paid more attention to advice, even unsolicited advice, and considered it helpful. On the other hand, when that support was lacking, the advice fell on deaf ears. Many adolescents and young people even perceived them as insincere and less effective.
The fine line between helpful help and overwhelming advice
It’s no secret that unsolicited advice often hits a defensive wall. It happens to all of us because we tend to perceive them as an invasion of our privacy. Therefore, they often generate the opposite effect, a phenomenon known in Psychology as “reactance to recommendations”.
Support is not always beneficial. When we receive help that we have not asked for, we are unlikely to consider it useful. In fact, a study conducted at the National University of Singapore found that receiving more emotional support than desired from parents stresses their children.
The problem is that unsolicited advice can reinforce the feeling of emotional helplessness or even generate resentment towards parents, who are perceived as too controlling or invasive.
You must understand that adolescence is a transition period in which children begin to move towards adulthood, so they are often torn between the need to develop their autonomy and receive guidance from their parents. The secret to being listened to and, in the process, being able to build a solid relationship with your children in the long term, is to encourage their independence, so that you do not cross the fine line between useful help and free advice.
Autonomy, the key for your children to listen to you
Promote independence as a way to build bridges of dialogue. Kindel Media – Pexels
For adolescents, autonomy means being able to choose. When parents meet that need, their children feel empowered and freer to behave authentically. Encourage independence develops adolescents’ social skills, strengthens their self-efficacy, and helps them better manage their emotions, leading to healthier psychosocial functioning.
On the other hand, when parents undermine autonomy, their children feel pressured and perceive that they cannot express themselves as they are. Restrict your independence limits development of emotional regulation and increases the odds that adolescents have self-esteem problems and suffer from disorders such as anxiety or depression.
Of course, your kids are still teenagers, so you can’t let them do everything they want. However, promoting autonomy does not mean falling into permissiveness but rather providing them with clear guidelines about what is allowed and what is not, making sure to give them more and more space, according to their degree of psychological maturity.
In many cases, this support involves eliminating from your vocabulary phrases like “because I said so” or “what I say is done here” because it is precisely those words that will make your children put up walls against your advice.
For example, if you are worried about his company, instead of forbidding him from seeing a friend again – something he will probably continue doing behind your back – you can say: “You are free to choose your friends (autonomy reinforcement), but I X’s attitude is worrying (so you don’t point out the person but the behavior). It is important that you make your own decisions and not let yourself be conditioned by others (double reinforcement of independence), what do you think of his behavior?
In this way you will be stimulating their autonomy and encouraging them to make their own decisions. Ultimately, it’s impossible to keep your kids in a bubble, but you can encourage their critical thinking. With this attitude you will also be telling him that you trust him and his judgment, promoting reflection and leaving the door open for him to tell you about his problems in the future.
Is it more difficult than imposing your vision? Of course. You will have to be patient and be very vigilant, but in the long run it is the best way to guide your children as they discover who they are and what they want to do in life.
2024-02-27 16:46:41
#teenager #listen #advice #study #reveals #secret #achieving
