Lynn has never experienced something that almost the entire world raves about. An orgasm. Not with someone else and not with themselves. “I initially thought it was because I secretly like girls and didn’t really like the boys I had sex with. But I have now been out (and proud) for a number of years and fortunately I have had many pleasant sexual experiences with women. Only: that orgasm just doesn’t happen. Not even when I’m touching myself and I’m really excited. It just doesn’t seem to work, while other women don’t have to wait very long for an orgasm, in my experience. Is this normal? And what can I do about it?”
Although the so-called orgasm gap – or the fact that women come much less often than men during heterosexual partner sex – does not play a role in lesbian relationships, it does not mean that Lynn is not normal. “On the contrary,” says sexologist Jolien Spoelstra. “It really often happens that people have difficulty reaching an orgasm, especially women. Various factors play a role in this, both psychological and physical.”
Let’s start with the last one: the physical. According to Spoelstra, most people start masturbating during puberty. “We know that masturbating is not only good for getting to know your own body, but also that people who have more experience with masturbating come more easily during sex with a partner. Lynn says that she has not come while masturbating either, but how How many times has she tried this? What sometimes happens is that someone masturbates a few times without ejaculating, and then stops because ‘it doesn’t work’.”
If the latter is the case, Spoelstra advises her to try it more often. “Possibly with the help of a sex toy. I hear from many women that it is easier for them to have an orgasm with a toy. If you can reach your climax with a toy, then the advantage is that you at least know that you are not “You’re not, but some people can think that when they don’t want to come.”
“Moreover, you know what it feels like, how you react to an orgasm and what the moment feels like just before you come. The latter is important because next time you know how to move towards maximum pleasure – and how not to. “
Female pleasure
Lynn could also take a look at the website OMGYES, the sexologist tips. This (paid) website – created by women for women – shares scientific knowledge about female pleasure. There are also videos of masturbating women, all kinds of different techniques are shared and you can practice yourself in a playful way on a vulva. “This may sound a bit unusual, but it is all presented in a stylish and very normal way. Because that is what sex is, after all.”
According to Spoelstra, why it can be good to watch these types of videos has to do with the fact that many women are ‘a bit afraid of ejaculating’. For example, they would be afraid of losing control at the climax, and fear that they would move strangely or moan or scream very loudly.
Spoelstra: ‘You can see, for example, in these videos that this is not always the case, and that it can also be done in a calm, enjoyable way. It gives a much more realistic picture of what an orgasm can be like than, for example, porn.”
Exciting thoughts
The right clitoral stimulation for you is one thing, says Spoelstra, but don’t discount the effect of arousing thoughts. There can be quite a few thoughts running through your head, not all of which work together to reach a climax. “Especially if you have never had an orgasm, you can get frustrated and have thoughts during sex such as ‘why not me?’, ‘am I doing it right?’ or ‘doesn’t he or she get tired?'”
“While it is so important to turn into yourself a little when you are approaching orgasm, to focus on your own physical pleasure or on sexual fantasies. Don’t feel guilty if those fantasies are not about the person you are with. sharing a bed, because that is completely normal and, moreover, those feelings of guilt are also distracting.”
Although this is much easier said than done, Spoelstra would still advise Lynn to let go of the idea of achieving an orgasm. “Focus on your pleasure, try to move towards maximum pleasure physically and mentally.”
Rubriek: Asking for a friend
In this weekly column Asking for a friend we submit reader questions about health to one of our experts. Do you also have a pressing health question for a GP, midwife, dietitian, psychologist or other health expert? Then email it to [email protected] and who knows, you might see the answer appear here soon.
2023-10-30 12:31:06
#Lynn #orgasm #normal
