For twenty-one years it was a secret, heavy as a boulder. Now Elena DiCioccio, actress, radio and TV presenter, has decided to free herself from the burden that has forced her, in order not to end up crushed, to become a thousand people over time, all different from who she really is. To finally feel good, it was necessary to tell the truth about her: «I’m 48 years old and I’ve been HIV positive for 21 years. I have HIV». She told the “Hyenas”, of which she was a correspondent for years. She tells it without the slightest discount, in the book to be released on April 4, Bad Blood (published by Vallardi), in which he recapitulates a life sensationally full of challenges and pains. “Today I have no regrets and I’m no longer angry. But I had to process many things,» she explains.
For almost half of his life he has tried to hide the fact that he has HIV. Now she has decided to make it public, even writing a book about it. Why?
“After years of being torn between fear and anger, I no longer feel lacking in anything. I am this thing here and I don’t want to hide anymore. When I meet every single person I ask myself if, how and when to say that I am HIV positive: leaving my written word now I am de facto, once and for all».
In recent years, he writes in the book, he hid the medicines in the fridge behind the lettuce so that no one would see them, confiding his secret only to very few people.
“And I have experienced all kinds of reactions in response to this: flight, sympathy, anger. But the problem is the departure, not the answer: it’s how I feel about this thing. Today help comes thanks to the medicine that ended the era of the purple halo, of fear, both for you and for us too».
‘Fifteen years ago: I cut my hand in a theater class, blood comes out. They come to help me and I yell, “No, don’t touch me.” Damn what a bad temper. Today processing this gigantic tide of emotions is possible thanks to what medicine tells us, and that is that we are chronic patients and in no way can I infect anyone. For me it is a sigh of relief: I no longer have to be on the alert all the time».
Yet, he says, the stigma around this disease persists.
«Unfortunately yes, because communication stopped in 1989: we took steps forward with four kisses and handshakes passed and then nothing. But we can’t be like children who pretend something doesn’t exist because it scares you».
But she has often wanted to pretend not to be ill.
“Absolutely. I was a scrupulous person, even in relationships, and yet it happened. I’m very impressed by the older ladies I’ve seen in treatment, in hospitals, in dedicated wards: my heart broke because they looked around like aliens in the presence of something that terrified them. It wasn’t their place, but instead it’s a place for them too».
The disease also weighed on her desire to become a mother, she writes in the book.
“It is a very painful chapter for me. Today a negative HIV-positive woman can have intercourse even without a condom and become pregnant. For me it wasn’t like this: becoming a mother couldn’t be the impetus of a moment of passion but a technical step was needed that brought another game into play, planning. Motherhood has been a really sore point, but I really like children and I really enjoy them».
In the book she also talks about her childhood: she is the daughter of Pfm leader Franz di Cioccio and manager Anita Ferrari. She often found herself alone, not knowing who she would wake up with, overwhelmed by family quarrels and finally in disarray from her.
«The separation, not easy, between my parents didn’t help. But in those years, however, it happened. I grew up earlier than necessary, some holes remained. My intent was not to shoot at my parents, like anyone else. But I wanted to tell myself, my truth».
His mom took her own life after she tried in the past. How can such pain be processed?
«Processing pain is not a sport for everyone and my mother had stratified a really large amount of sorrows, not processing them, in fact. In the end they took her away».
In a few lines, he also explains that his mother’s son, therefore his brother, died at the age of three, suffocated.
“I wrote it in a few lines because I didn’t want to dwell on this pain but it was necessary to really tell who my mom was”.
What had he told her after the first failed attempt?
“It is a stumbling block that many take to say to someone who suffers like this: if you love me, stop. The problem is that they don’t love themselves. At a certain point I realized that I was like her and one day, in her first Tso, I said to her: I have to let you go. And she replied: you are right. When it happened, somehow I was ready. I had already said to myself: the day will come when it will but I can’t stand on the balcony of life waiting for it to happen. The morning I found all those messages on the phone, I understood everything before reading them.
In his life he has experienced several addictions.
“Addiction creates a situation of well-being for you and, above all, an alternative: it commits you, even when it turns around and shows you the other side of the coin. Your commitment also becomes trying to get out of the hole».
Getting out of the cocaine world was not easy.
«That was a youthful passage that then became something else. Yes, getting out of it was very tiring and I will thank my mum forever for making me feel the weight of what I was doing when she discovered me».
«We were at a wedding, I came out of the bathroom and found it in front of me: you who are excited don’t notice anything but from outside you can see everything very well. She just told me: no, you don’t either. She was so frightened and so pained and helpless that she just went right through me.’
Her addiction was also emotional, leading to toxic relationships in which she was also beaten.
‘It’s always the theme of not protecting yourself, something I don’t want to do anymore. If you are anorexia of affection, even someone who raises his voice or worse is paying attention to you».
In those years she also thought of ending it all. Is it more happened?
‘Not like that. Now I reflect on the fact that one of the side effects of the drugs I take is mood disturbance, so if it happens that I wake up accompanied by sad thoughts, today I give them a caress and then I go out and do something else and after two hours, when I come back, I’m gone”.
For his dad will not be easy to read this book.
«This time I decided to worry only about myself: worrying about others has been my main occupation throughout my life, now I just needed to be myself. We don’t have relations with dad at the moment, everyone has gone his way … and if I think of all those who call me to get his number or tickets … but there is always tomorrow. Something unexpected can always happen tomorrow.’
And what do you imagine will happen now?
«I think that many friends will write to me… of course, I also expect criticism, but I’m ready and I understand it. The goodness of what you do is not perceived by everyone. But what I hope is to finally be myself»
Will it start a new chapter for her?
“Yes, I hope so.”
