“He found my pain after vulvar cancer especially annoying for himself”

What’s happening in your bedroom? In our section Bedroom secrets Every week Libelle talks to a reader about her sex life. Babs (68): “He wanted to injure me rather than take longer to reach his orgasm.”

Babs (68): “For nine years I walked around with ailments. Urinary tract infections, vaginal fungi, itching in the anus and vagina and pain during and after sex. I had already seen quite a few specialists and most of them referred me to the sexologist. The problem would be between my ears and could be solved with talking. Until an observant gynecologist discovered a bump on my labia. It was nothing to worry about, but they wanted to check anyway. Shortly after that came the phone call that made everything fall into place: I had vulvar cancer.

A big shock

The cancer was caused by the HPV virus. Nowadays girls are vaccinated against it, but not when I was young. I had the virus and it had wreaked havoc. All my complaints in and around the vagina and anus were caused by this. A big shock, of course, but also a relief in a way. I knew all along that something wasn’t right in my body, finally it was clear what it was.

Difficult sex life

Soon after the diagnosis, an operation followed in which my labia was removed. My sex life was already complicated by all those ailments, but this surgery didn’t make it any easier. The first time I still had stitches and we couldn’t do anything, but after about six weeks my friend and I carefully started trying again.

Hints on the Internet

My oncologist had given me all kinds of tips that I had to take into account. And also on the internet there appeared to be various forums and Facebook groups. There I received tips about home, garden and kitchen things such as saddles and underwear, but also about sex. Which tools are useful, which creams you should and shouldn’t use, that kind of information. Very nice.

Ice packs on my vagina

Fortunately, my clitoris and the rest of the vagina remained intact, in that sense everything still works. I do have to be careful. If it’s too dry, I have to sit on my vagina with ice packs and I can’t wear pants or cycle for a week. I first have to cover everything very well with cream, and it is important that I produce a lot of moisture myself. So that I’m well excited. You would think that you should be excited to start having sex anyway, but before my surgery I sometimes had sex when I actually didn’t really feel like it (yet). That was no longer possible now. We had to lubricate well and take a lot of time for it.

To injure

Well, my friend didn’t seem to mind. The cream made him feel less of the penetration and it made it less easy for him to come. He found that a problem. So much so that he would rather hurt me than take longer to reach his orgasm. I was totally shocked. How can someone be so selfish? Our relationship is now over.

Tinder

When the pain of the breakup has healed a little, I would like a man again. I love sex immensely and I certainly don’t intend to give it up. I will immediately be open about my background on Tinder and when meeting and explain that I need a little more time and patience to be able to make love. I assume this is not a problem. Many women my age suffer from vaginal dryness, requiring more time and lube. I think men generally have quite a bit of respect for that.

Walking around wide-legged

Meanwhile, I’m not going to wait for a man to come and satisfy me. I love doing that myself, although it doesn’t feel quite the same. Very regularly I make it extra cozy in the room. Then I light candles, put on some nice music and I masturbate. Even if you miss a labia, you can just enjoy it. I use coconut oil and plenty of cream and when I’ve come I clean everything up and rinse myself to prevent infections. That’s totally worth it. I just can’t keep masturbating for too long, because then it will hurt. And walking around with legs apart for a week afterwards, no, I’m not willing to do that.”