Some people are very used to “relying on themselves” in their lives. People who have this habit often have a “no expectation, no harm” mood. Therefore, even after entering into an intimate relationship, it is difficult to rely on the other half.
We may have been hurt in our past growth experiences or in love, and find that it is really dangerous to rely on someone. Because it is possible that he cannot rely on us, or even that he may fall over. When he does fall over, or even run away, it will have a huge psychological impact on us.
Force yourself to be strong and independent
Many people, perhaps due to such an experience, begin to dare not rely on themselves, require themselves to be independent, and hope that their significant other can be independent. I believe that “taking care of yourself and keeping your emotions in check is the mature choice.”
But people who hold this idea in a love relationship can’t help but feel lonely in the relationship. In order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, you should let yourself not need others and let others not rely too much on you; however, in such a relationship, there is like a wall between each other. That wall prevents us from truly understanding each other, and also prevents us from truly understanding each other. Unable to get along with the other person and enjoy the relationship with confidence.
The reason why we choose and demand each other in this way is actually because we are afraid of getting hurt. When I take off all my defenses and want to rely on the other person and be taken care of, if the other person can’t do it or even rejects me, the frustration is like the pain of a child being rejected by his parents, and many times It may bring back the pain of our past experiences with our parents:
“Look, there is no one in this world that we can rely on, and no one can tolerate our fragility.”
That was such a sad and depressing feeling.
We are wandering between “should I rely on myself or should I be independent”, “should I find someone who can fully tolerate me, or should I not expect anything”… In the all-or-nothing imagination, it is easy to feel that there is no real soul mate in this world. We long for someone who can “truly understand me” and “truly love me”, but we don’t realize that these desires to “be unconditionally understood, accepted and tolerated” are exactly the experiences we did not have in childhood.
Those losses that have not been dealt with
Because there aren’t any, it’s easier to beautify. We believe: Parents cannot choose. So we try our best to use our own power to choose someone who can do everything our heart desires, beautify us, and love us. We believe that as long as the other person loves me enough, he can do everything I expect, including things that I can’t do for myself or for the other person.
When we find that this ideal cannot be realized, in reality, there are always people who do not meet our expectations but say they love us, and there are always people who let us love but do not want to take the time to understand us… So we accumulate more and more disappointments, those disappointments There is no chance to be dealt with, but it may fall heavily on every relationship or relationship with your current partner.
Then, every time he failed to meet my expectations and needs, I wanted less and less to express my inner feelings and thoughts, and I also wanted him to understand me less and less, because the accumulated disappointments had already caught me. Then I believed an inner voice:
“No one will understand me.”
This inner negative label makes us feel more powerless, frustrated, frustrated, hurt…and then we may not want to talk about ourselves even more. As a result, others really don’t understand it anymore.
But we don’t realize how ideal and unrealistic the image of the ideal partner we pursue in our hearts is that “you can understand me without having to talk, and you can cooperate with me without having to get along with each other”. We also ignore that the other person is an independent person and has other My needs and feelings are not living for me.
Holding the image of an ideal partner, we are satisfying the inner child that has never been satisfied in the past. What he is crying out for is the black hole in our hearts.
“Intimacy Fear” Author: Zhou Muzi Publishing House: Aquarius Culture
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．Cherish the time when your children are still attached to you! Now I find you annoying at every turn. My mother posted a letter from seven years ago and lamented the huge gap!Make a lot of mothers cry
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2023-12-09 04:12:42
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