The Unseen Grief: A Father’s Journey Through Loss
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In 2013, Mark and Jill Millard faced an unimaginable tragedy. At their 36-week checkup,they were told their baby was “sluggish.” An emergency C-section followed, revealing their son, Isaac, who, despite his seemingly perfect appearance, was diagnosed with Patau syndrome, a chromosomal abnormality requiring immediate respiratory support.
Isaac’s life was tragically short. After two days, the Millards made the heartbreaking decision to withdraw life support, sparing their son further suffering. He passed away on April 6, 2013, breathing for only a few minutes on his own.
this experience profoundly impacted Mark and Jill. Mark, now Head of Operations and a volunteer for Féileacáin (irish for “butterfly”), a non-profit organization supporting families who have experienced the death of a baby, reflects on their journey.They first encountered Féileacáin when the hospital provided a “cuddle Cot,” allowing them precious time with Isaac and enabling his older brother, Quin, and othre family members to say goodbye.
following a memorial service, Isaac was laid to rest on April 9th. Mark describes the surreal experience of transitioning from the “protected bubble” of the hospital back to the reality of life without Isaac, a reality that included caring for their two-year-old son, Quin. He emphasizes the starkly different ways he and Jill processed their grief.
Mark observed, “It was surreal, we were living in a protected bubble while we were in hospital but it was a different story when we came back out into the real world. We had Isaac’s older brother Quin, who was then two, to look after and life had to go on.”
He notes the societal expectations placed on men in grief: “The man’s role is seen as the strong supporter and person who can fix everything,” he saeid. At Isaac’s funeral, well-meaning friends and family urged him to “stay strong,” often focusing their attention on Jill rather than him.While acknowledging good intentions, Mark points out the detrimental effect of this approach. “The father’s perspective is sometimes lost,” he explains. “We need to understand that men react differently and the ‘stay strong’ attitude does not work.”
Mark’s grief manifested differently than Jill’s. While she spent a year largely withdrawn, Mark found himself keeping busy, unable to articulate his feelings. He shares, “Even though it wasn’t formal, I couldn’t open up, not that there’s any right way of saying things, but I didn’t know what was right or wrong to say.I had no coping mechanism and bottled everything up.” Three years later, this suppression led to a crisis.
Their experience highlights the need for more nuanced support for grieving fathers, acknowledging the unique challenges they face and the importance of open interaction and tailored resources. The Millards’ story serves as a powerful reminder of the profound and often unseen impact of infant loss on families.
Irish Soccer Team Offers Unique Grief Support for Bereaved Fathers
In a poignant display of community and healing, Féileacáin Fathers, an Irish charity supporting fathers who have lost children, is making waves—both on and off the soccer field. This unique organization uses the power of sport to build a supportive network for men navigating the profound grief of losing a child. Their recent international match highlights the growing impact of their innovative approach.
The Cork Féileacáin Fathers soccer team, established in March 2023, recently joined forces with their Dublin counterparts for a memorable match against Sands UK, the English equivalent of Féileacáin, in Northampton, England. The Irish team secured a resounding 6-1 victory, a testament to their camaraderie and shared experience. Following the game, the Irish team extended an invitation to their English counterparts to visit Ireland next year for a return match, further solidifying the international connection and shared mission.
Mark, the director of operations for Féileacáin, explains the profound impact of the organization: “We were lucky enough to have three more children – Edie, Esme and Albie. Getting pregnant again after losing a baby can be harrowing at times as you are in the horrors that it will happen again,so Jill’s support group helps people during this time.” He also emphasizes the unique challenges faced by grieving fathers, noting that the team provides a safe space where they can connect and share their experiences without judgment. “We have a WhatsApp group, which is not just about sport, but about sharing pictures, birthdays and anniversaries of our babies that we have lost,” he shares.
The initiative extends beyond the soccer field.Mark is actively exploring the creation of a siblings’ team,recognizing the important impact of bereavement on the children within these families. He understands the need for similar support structures for children grappling with the loss of a sibling.”Initially, I was on a different grieving page to jill, but the more I had counselling, the more I opened up and it helped us have conversations about our grief of losing Isaac,” mark reflects on his personal journey.
Féileacáin Fathers is expanding its reach, with a new group recently launched in Kerry and plans for a Limerick group in the new year. The ultimate goal is to establish support groups in every county across Ireland. The organization can be reached at 085-2496464 or 028-51301, or via email at admin@feileacain.ie.
The work of Féileacáin Fathers serves as a powerful example of how community and shared experience can provide invaluable support for those navigating the complexities of grief. Their innovative approach,combining the camaraderie of sport with vital emotional support,offers a beacon of hope for bereaved fathers and their families.
Finding Strength on the Field: Féileacáin Fathers Offer Support For Grieving dads
This article explores the work of Féileacáin Fathers, an Irish organization providing a unique avenue of support for fathers experiencing the loss of a child. Combining the camaraderie of soccer wiht emotional support,Féileacáin creates a safe space for grieving dads to connect and heal.
Understanding the Unique Challenges of Grieving Fathers
World-Today News Senior Editor:
Welcome to the show, Dr. Conor mccarthy. You’re a clinical psychologist specializing in bereavement support, and advisor for Féileacáin. Thanks for joining us.
Dr. mccarthy:
My pleasure. It’s important to shed light on the crucial work organizations like Féileacáin are doing.
World-Today News Senior Editor:
Absolutely.
In recent news, Féileacáin Fathers, a soccer group for bereaved dads, has gained attention. Can you explain why their approach is especially beneficial for fathers going through this difficult experience?
Dr. McCarthy:
Men often face unique challenges when navigating grief.Societal expectations frequently enough pressure them to appear stoic and strong, making it difficult for them to express their emotions openly.
This can led to feelings of isolation and a reluctance to seek help. Féileacáin Fathers cleverly combines the power of sport with peer support to create a space where fathers feel safe to share their grief journey without judgment.
World-Today News Senior Editor:
That makes a lot of sense. Can you elaborate on the role of soccer in this process?
Dr.McCarthy:
Soccer provides a shared activity that fosters a sense of camaraderie and connection.
The physical exertion also helps release endorphins,which can improve mood and reduce stress.
Together, these elements create a platform for fathers to connect, share stories, and find support in a setting that feels natural and cozy.
World-Today News Senior Editor:
That’s a powerful combination. What other support services does Féileacáin provide for these fathers and their families?
Dr. McCarthy:
Beyond soccer, Féileacáin offers a range of valuable services. They organize regular support group meetings, providing a safe and confidential space for fathers to share their experiences, connect with others who understand their pain, and learn coping strategies. They also offer access to individual counselling and resources to help families navigate the emotional and practical challenges of loss.
World-Today News Senior Editor:
Féileacáin’s focus on families is commendable. How crucial is support for the entire family unit during this grieving process
Dr.mccarthy:
Support for the entire family unit is absolutely crucial.
the loss of a child impacts everyone involved in a profound way, and each member may grieve differently. By creating a supportive habitat for the whole family, Féileacáin helps foster healing and resilience. This holistic approach recognizes that grieving is a shared journey.
