I was in crisis, even thinking about divorcing my wife. The main problem lies in something very difficult to explain: My wife’s sexual performance dropped dramatically after we welcomed our first child into the world.
I’m in my 30s – the age that old people say is “pending”. The 29-year-old wife just gave birth to her first child. We got married when we had a certain level of financial stability. It was thought that marriage would go smoothly and well when both parties were adults, but a difficult problem occurred when having their first child.
My wife suddenly no longer wanted to have sex with her husband like before.
My wife’s sudden change in the way she expressed her feelings for me surprised me. All the love, care, and affection suddenly transferred to the child. Honestly, I’m shocked. She changed so much after becoming a mother, and I myself was not prepared for those changes.
I am 30 years old, and my wife is 29 years old, just gave birth to her first child (Illustration: iStock).
For me, it was an indescribable shock. Every time I shared with some relatives and close friends, I was scolded like “slapping water in the face”. People cannot accept my thoughts when I feel angry with my wife, just because she puts all her love, time, and energy into her new baby.
But even when her child turned one year old, her priorities didn’t change. Her children are always her number 1 concern at all times. This made me feel like I was left out, indifferent, and cold in my own marriage, in my own home – where I was once the center of my wife’s attention.
Being in a state of hunger… “love” made me irritable and my personality also changed a lot. I know very well that no one can take my side, no one sees me as right, but the frustrations inside me are completely real.
My wife is truly “a girl with only one child who looks tired”, but I am only allowed to… “look”, and the time we have to be together has been cut down mercilessly by my wife. After 5 years of love and marriage, the birth of her first son took up all her thoughts, emotions, time and energy. Her love pours everything into her children.
Before, she was more skillful in spoiling her husband, now she is more focused on taking care of her children. She is almost never ready and excited to be close to me like before. My wife is often tired, even though I share housework and childcare with her. We have divided the night care schedule evenly.
I arranged to try to take her out, change the scene to warm up the relationship between husband and wife, but it didn’t work. I also try to have a frank conversation with her, to know if she is really okay. But the answer I receive is always very general: “I feel tired, lack of time, and don’t have enough energy to do everything well.”
Actually, that’s just another way of saying my wife is no longer excited about sex. Many times my wife is close to me just like an obligation, something to do, a job that needs to be done, like all the housework she still does.
Looking at other women, I also find them attractive but honestly for me, they cannot be as good as my wife, I just need a wife. The more I do that, the more miserable I feel. I married a perfect wife in my eyes, I wanted to love her very much but… I couldn’t.
My wife is the woman I sincerely loved before marrying. I am even my wife’s first love, her first man. But the current state of our marriage makes me wonder what’s wrong with us? What if she doesn’t change and stays that way forever? Will I be pushed into an affair?
Some relatives and close friends asked about my feelings for my son. Do I love my children enough to sympathize with my wife during the years of raising them? Honestly, I love my child very much, but his appearance completely changed my marriage, leaving me in an unspeakable shock.
Some people say that this condition can last for 3 years after the baby is born. After that, my wife will probably regain her form. At that time, her physical and mental health will truly recover.
Many people advised me to sympathize with my wife. She is going through the phase of becoming a mother for the first time, has many worries, and is trying to adapt. Lack of sleep is also the factor that kills her “love” inspiration.
In general, I am always advised to wait patiently, be more sympathetic, and support my wife more so that she can rest. Finally, I myself am having to learn how to adapt more to the new stage in my life, when I become a father for the first time.
After all the confusion, what I will strive for in the years ahead is to try to be a better husband and father. I know why I love my wife, clearly because of everything about her, including her flaws. I never want to cause anything to break this marriage.
A period of sexual starvation should not and could not be a hammer blow to our marriage.
Perhaps I also need more time to think more clearly and live more correctly. Sometimes I even feel embarrassed with my confessions. Maybe I’m bad for considering this as a problem in marriage.
But I can also sympathize with myself. Looking at my wife right now, I still find her very attractive and sometimes her attractiveness makes me “hot headed”. Please understand me!
