“What did you think my house would look like?” She asks. She knows all prejudices about ‘confused’ people. They are unemployed, their house is a mess, just like the rest of their lives. They are often addicted and lonely.
Shame
That’s one of the reasons she wants to give this interview, and that she told her story on LinkedIn earlier this summer. She began that post with the words, “I am Burgernet’s” confused runaway wife “report. She also wrote that she has sometimes been stopped by the police during an attempt. And that she has been silent about her psychological problems for a long time, because she felt that she should be ‘very ashamed’ about it.
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She no longer wants that shame. She wants to tell her story so that there is a greater understanding of people who are sometimes confused, and so that others know that they are not alone with their struggle. No matter how exciting she finds it to be public with this. Because she knows that there will be misunderstanding. People who find her selfish, crazy, or worse.
Lots of responses
“I got so many responses to my post. From people who had attempted themselves or from whom a loved one has committed suicide. But also from a woman who would like to talk to someone, but said she knew no one who has been suicidal. That’s strange, isn’t it? So many people have had thoughts about it. That shows how little is said about it. “
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With Froukje thoughts started at a young age. She had a troubled childhood in which she could not bond with people. She was bullied and even at home she did not find the security that a child so desperately needs due to circumstances – why she likes to keep it private, but it resulted in what is called complex PTSD: a complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
‘Magical wish’
“I was about eight years old when I had the wish to disappear. A kind of magical wish: away from the world and from everyone’s memories. When I was about 12 years old, I became aware that you can play a role yourself. in your death. “
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“It went really wrong when I chose a different profile than my friends in 4 havo and ended up in a different class. They were the only safety I had, it felt as if it was being pulled from under me.”
Suicide attempt
She attempted suicide. Not one that could really harm herself, but the intention was there and everyone knew: this is serious. It was the beginning of a mental health journey that is not over 17 years later. She made several attempts, three nearly succeeded – once she had to be resuscitated.
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“I sometimes think, what would it be like if I had a different childhood? If I hadn’t been bullied and felt safe somewhere? That thought makes me sad. Maybe my life would have been so much easier now.”
Two thoughts in battle
How it works in her head? “It is as if two thoughts are in conflict: on the one hand I want a nice, ‘normal’ life. Prove that I am worth something. On the other hand I want to die.”
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“Which thought wins can vary from hour to hour. For example, during my studies I was in the hospital writing papers, working on my future, after another attempt. But that second thought is never completely gone. look around, I see places where I can do it. “
Selfish
She left home several times to end it. Once she was saved by two bystanders at the last minute. “I understand that people find it selfish. What are you doing to those involved? Bystanders? People who find your body or have to clean it up?”
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“It seems terrible to be in their shoes. And yet, at such a moment I am in such a tunnel. I think it is better for everyone when I am no longer there, that the benefit outweighs it. the cons. It’s self-centered, sure. But selfish? I don’t feel that way. “
Say goodbye
The last attempt she made wasn’t that long ago. For a few days she had felt that it was not going well, but could not do anything about it. That day she texted a friend, who saw that she was trying to say goodbye.
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The girlfriend went to her house, Froukje walked away. Her boyfriend, psychiatrist and the police were alerted and a civilian report went out: confused woman missing, describing what she was wearing and what she looks like.
Girlfriend panicked
“I didn’t get that report myself, but I knew they would call the police. So I walked through small paths with a detour to where I wanted to do it. A friend called again, completely panicked. I thought: why? Are you crying? I couldn’t do anything with it at the time. “
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She saw a police van close to the site. She tried to avoid it, but failed. An officer – she estimates her age – approached her and explained that she should come along. “He was so human. Of course, so were my friends, but now I was more open to that.”
‘Space in my head’
“The attempt was over, failed, I think that gave me space in my head again. The officer hit me. Especially when someone else at the police station told me to put me in a cell until the crisis department came, and he said that. he wasn’t going to do that because I deserved better than that. “
The crisis service arrived, crudely enough colleagues of Froukje, who works as an expert at a mental health institution. They asked the standard questions: How are you feeling? Why did you do that? What can you promise us? And then she was sent home – it has now been established that admission to an institution is counterproductive for her.
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To ask for help
At home, her boyfriend, parents and a friend were waiting for her. “Then you feel ashamed. These are people who care about me, for whom I matter, why didn’t I feel earlier that I would have hurt them if I had succeeded?”
And yet, she already knows that those thoughts will come again, as they have done regularly for the past 17 years. And at such a moment thinking that they will pass again, that does not work. She has recently learned to ask for help in time.
Walk the dog
She sees a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a creative therapist every week, and she receives home care for people with mental health problems: someone who helps with the everyday things she faces. Or who just walks and listens with her and her dog Simmer.
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“I now know what are the signs that things are going in the wrong direction. And I know that I can ask for help, that it is also there for me. If I call home care because things are not going well, they will come a week that week. times extra, or twice if necessary. That idea alone is nice. “
‘I am valuable’
“And I learn that I am valuable. Every day I write down what I did well that day, instead of just thinking about what I did not do well. And look at the reactions on my LinkedIn post, I can now don’t say that I don’t contribute anything, that I mean nothing to anyone. “
Froukje hopes that her post and this interview will also show others that they can ask for help. “Even if they just call 113Online. An anonymous conversation, but how strong is it when at such a moment you can postpone the urge to end it and call someone? That’s not weak, there is courage. I hope people see that. “
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