You can imagine the scene effortlessly. She disappears into the fitting room, he falls down on a comfortable chair, stares at those hundreds of dresses and trousers for a few seconds, and then starts reading about Thibaut Courtois on his smartphone. This will be experienced a thousandfold in the coming weeks in the many clothing stores that will lure us in with their “Sale” signs.
It raises a question that is much more complex than we think: should I take my partner with me when I go shopping for new clothes?
I do not do that. I usually shop twice a year, during the sales period. That’s efficient and I like it, but according to Kit Yarrow, a consumer psychologist who wrote books like Decoding the new consumer mindI suffer from “cognitive bias” – being blind to information that should prevent a choice – and from “loss aversion” – finding something too beautiful to bear.
Loosely translated: there is too much unworn stuff in my closet. A colorful sweater that I don’t dare wear, a few expensive shirts from Paul Smith that I think are too special for everyday use. So not that efficient.
The solution is obvious: I need a co-shopper who will help me choose better. That sounds extra attractive because shopping, sociologists say, is also a relationship booster: you give each other attention, intimacy and time. Afterwards you will have a table together and then unpack the ‘new selves’ together. Shopping is the glue in being together.
Theatrical
As an aspiring co-shopper, I notice that many stores assume that shopping is a dual job. The mirrors are not in, but outside the fitting room, there is much more light than necessary, and those comfortable armchairs have something jury-like about them. And it is also theater: the curtain opens and the shopper shows her partner who she wants to be from now on. Applause follows from the shop assistant, but the partner deliberates… a little too long, bends her head critically to the right, carefully considers whether ‘her hole is not too big in that skirt’. They leave the store bickering, skirtless and perhaps with a hint of resentment.
Was this a drama? He could have given her an ego boost, now they have an ego clash. This is, research confirms to me, because our choice of clothing has a lot to do with factors such as identity, confirmation and attention. We show how we want to be seen, who we want to affiliate with, which cultural tradition we belong to. When everything is okay, we feel good and confident.
So buying clothes is not only a financial investment, but also a matter of mental health? Even an existential challenge?
I throw the question on our Christmas table. Sister-in-law Hilde, happily married for almost 50 years, promptly comes out as a ‘single shopper’ and has 3 reasons for this: “We have different tastes, so I can have my way more, but he doesn’t like to do that.” But when he needs clothes, they do go together. “He takes my opinion into account more than I take his. (laughs)”
Exciting
Asking for and receiving input – the most obvious bonus of duo shopping – is apparently not as innocent as it seems. “The presence of another person makes shopping more exciting,” Guido Valkeneers, an author in consumer psychology, explains to me. “This gives dominant behavior more of a chance. Anyone who shops frequently will therefore buy more when the other person is there. But those who have little experience with shopping are more likely to be inhibited or make the wrong choices because of that presence.”
In my mind’s eye I see a pale blue linen jacket hanging there that I bought at the encouragement of my partner, but which I never wear. And she has had similar experiences with my assertive push about party clothes. It calls for introspection. Am I encouraging her to help her overcome her doubts, or because I want to get rid of them faster? And does she want to help me, or is she trying to change me?
I wonder if online shopping and the impact of social media don’t change all this. For example, there used to be a stigma around the ‘single shopping’ man, but perhaps that is fading away. On the other hand, research continues to indicate that a negative judgment about something that the other person is passionate about, such as clothing, erodes self-confidence. And the ego.
Then the question quickly follows: should I adapt my style to my partner’s taste to look attractive? The bizarre thing is that the relationship can be torpedoed with both a positive and a negative answer.
Yet alone
Time is running out, the shop windows are waiting. I finally let myself be carried away by ten ‘shopping tips’ on a British website. There is no doubt: “Shop alone! Shopping partners may encourage you to buy things you don’t really want, and may have their own motives for encouraging you. They may be competitive, or want to make their lives exciting through your purchases. One thing is certain: they shouldn’t live with your stuff. If you want to make it a social activity, that’s fine, but don’t buy anything that you can buy alone.”
What about you, dear reader, do you do it alone or would you rather do it with someone else? Mail ons!
READ ALSO
