For a strong relationship: These are the questions parents should often ask their children

Most parents are probably convinced that they know their child inside and out. In fact, at certain stages, this can be more of an illusion, because the key to this lies in good communication. And this can sometimes be very difficult if the child is reluctant to talk.

In her book “The Magic of Good Conversations: Communication with Children That Creates Closeness,” child psychotherapist Ulrike Döpfner addressed this problem and found a solution: You simply have to ask the right questions.

Sometimes communication dries up

Anyone who has children has probably experienced this: you try your best to start a conversation with your child, but the response is monosyllabic and the child simply ignores your attempt to talk. This phenomenon is particularly pronounced in teenagers, but it also occurs in much younger children.

According to Döpfner, such phases are quite normal and usually not really critical, but they can be accompanied by a certain degree of mutual alienation.

Sometimes communication can come to a complete standstill and then you no longer learn anything about the child’s feelings or possible problems. At that point, it is high time for stimulating and in-depth conversations to finally get to know the inner life of your offspring again – and this requires the right questions.

There is a difference between asking and interrogating

Döpfner stresses that there is a difference between asking questions and being questioned. At certain times, children don’t like being questioned at all. And then a “How was school today?” is almost certainly followed by a curt “It was pretty good” or “It was stupid” – and that’s the end of the conversation.

The right questions invite the child

Döpfner formulates a different approach, namely questions that playfully invite the child to exchange ideas. And this without any hidden meaning or goal, but rather as an invitation to a casual conversation in which the child is ready to open up again.

The best way to do this is to stimulate the child’s imagination and emotions, so that they feel addressed and not interrogated. Döpfner has formulated 100 such questions in her book – we present 15 of them.

With these questions you can get to know your child better

• What would you wish for if you had one wish?
• How do you like to spend your school break?
• What bothers you about your school/kindergarten?
• Is there something bothering you about me or Dad?
• Have you had a nice dream lately?
• What object would you never throw away?
• Do you remember the best day of your life and when it was?
• What adventure would you like to experience?
• What would you do if you could do magic?
• Is there someone you would like to help?
• Do you actually have a favorite place?
• What would your dream house look like?
• What were you really happy about recently?
• Is there something you would like to do but don’t dare?
• If you could beam yourself anywhere right now, where would it be?

According to Döpfner, questions like these are suitable for children from about five years of age, but they can also be discussed with teenagers and even adults – wherever and whenever a conversation starter is needed.

As already mentioned, such questions only serve to stimulate and invite conversation, which can then wander off in all directions – and the further you get away from the original topic in a lively conversation, the more exciting and intimate it can become. And with that, the process of getting to know each other can begin again.