Plan even sex every month so that the routine doesn’t kill you
Mel Schilling, 49, worked as a psychologist for 20 years before being invited as a consultant to the Australian edition of the popular reality show “Married at First Sight”. Initially, it was received very positively by his audience, but in 2019 Schilling openly criticized one of the participants because he called his partner “dumb pu-ka”. Surprisingly, a wave of resentment rises against the psychologist. She is being called a social feminist and the most hated woman in Australia on social media. They insist that she be fired from the show because she did not take into account the fact that the man uttered the insulting words after being verbally harassed by his partner.
However, Schilling continues to be adamant that such a thing should not sound from the mouth of anyone who wants to create a romantic relationship.
“I thought a lot about the situation that happened then. I will not pretend that the reaction was very painful for me and made me look more broadly at the way men and women treat each other, “Schilling told the British magazine OK. She moved to the UK and became a consultant to women on personal development, but was quickly noticed by the media and invited as an expert in the English format of “Married at First Sight”. She admits that despite the bitter experience in Australia, she has agreed to participate, as the popularity of such television formats can help more people with problems improve their relationships. The reason is that they are often compared to the stories of the people they see from the screen.
“My experience so far has shown that the most successful are those couples who work in a team. Otherwise, we all make mistakes, sink and most people are hurt by this, but we must learn to be open and accept that the relationship is a dynamic thing and it is necessary to constantly make efforts to keep the spark alive, “explains the psychologist. Due to the dynamic way of life, this becomes quite a challenge. Mel Schilling herself lived alone until she was 30 years old. “For years, I’ve been selecting people on dating sites who are emotionally unavailable or living abroad. Looking back, I realize that I was actually doing it because I didn’t want a relationship. I wasn’t ready to make room for anyone in my life. I was busy traveling the world, working, building my business and just living great. I made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons that I am now trying to teach, ”she says.
When she meets her future husband Garrett, she is already 40 years old. She is lucky to quickly find out that this is her man and to ask to have a child from him. Surprisingly, she became pregnant immediately, but after 12 weeks she had a miscarriage. “The loss of the baby was a very difficult experience for both of us, but through the pain we realized that we are ready to become parents. For the next 12 months, we had sex in desperate attempts to get pregnant again. I stood with my legs held high to improve the chances of that happening, but it never happened. We knew we didn’t have much time and we headed to in vitro. That’s how I gave birth to Maddie when I was 42, ”says Schilling.
Today, she is happy that she has to live up to her husband’s and daughter’s desires and expectations, that she has to steal her time for professional performance to show them how much she loves them. When they ask her for advice on how to keep the love spark in a relationship for a long time, she always puts flirting first. “Don’t forget to flirt. I know this is often said when you go on a first date, but it is just as important for a long-term relationship that can fall victim to a routine. And you don’t have to make much effort. You can simply send a playful message with sexual overtones to your loved one. A little pat on the ass while washing the dishes also happens “, advises the psychologist.
She admits that intimate jokes and midnight fun are difficult when there are children who often come to mom and dad’s bed because they dreamed something bad or just want to cuddle, but should not be ignored. “Remember that you are intimate partners, not roommates. Stay out of the zone of friendly relations. If necessary, schedule dates at the beginning of the month for sex, even if only one or two. It’s important to engage with them to make sure you’re regularly emotionally and physically connected, ”says Schilling. According to her, the sex life is necessary for the partners to remain connected as a couple, and not just as people who go through life together.
Another key point is not to allow conflicts to smolder for days, weeks or months, as this further poisons the relationship. “Successful couples solve problems when they appear, and then move on. However, if things get hot and there is no productive dialogue, take the time to discuss openly and respectfully later what went wrong in your relationship. Take responsibility for the things you have to do and create a plan to avoid such problems in the future, ”explains the Australian psychologist.
According to her, the pandemic has further complicated the partnership, because, leaving themselves in isolation for a long time, people have lost confidence that they know how to communicate properly. “When you meet a woman who constantly goes out with bad guys who humiliate her and treat her disrespectfully, or a man who always comes across partners who try to change or fix him, it’s often a matter of low self-esteem.” reveals Schilling. However, such people should not be written off lightly and declared unsuitable partners, because love relationships are a kind of social skill and as such can be improved through practice.
“It’s important for a couple to talk constantly. It is not uncommon not to synchronize sex at the beginning of a relationship or at a later stage if one of you is going through work or family stress. Then the restraints usually go up. That’s why you need to read the signs and ask your partner, for example, if it would be better if you touch her, because trust breaks down if one of the partners does not want to get rid of the burden that leads to disturbances and vulnerabilities, ”he explains. the family relations expert.
They help eating and watching TV together
Regular eating together, watching TV and lack of secrets are among the key factors for family happiness, according to a British study. It involved 2,000 parents, and 43% of them admitted that they would be happier with their lives if they spent more time with their partner.
“There is a myth that money can bring happiness, but this is far from the truth. They do pay the bills, but the reality is that the more we have of them, the more we live beyond our means and have less free time, ”says psychotherapist Glaine Mason.
So it’s no surprise that people are looking for things they can easily share with their loved ones. For example, most parents have indicated that Sunday family lunch is extremely important for happiness, as they have the opportunity to communicate, without rushing, with their children about things that excite them. A significant group relies on two-week vacations each year for the same reason, as it is difficult to balance between work commitments and time with family.
“We all know the saying that the best things are free, but really happiness comes from appreciating what you have, not from blindly chasing things you think you miss,” life coach Rashid Ogunlaru told SETimes. Mirror.
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