Experts in Brussels argue for new mourning rituals: ‘Death also evokes pleasant feelings’

The need for farewell rituals

According to the founders, initiatives such as a funeral cafe are a response to what they call the hyper-individualistic society that wants to deal with grief as quickly and individually as possible.

“People who are grieving often see their grief as a problem that they don’t want to burden those around them, and that needs treatment,” says grief counselor and psychologist Ihsan Badli. In her practice in Brussels she guides surviving relatives who are involved in their grieving process or with the stress they are under. “As a result, we feel more comfortable talking to a therapist or psychologist than to our own family and friends. But if someone can find closeness and support from those around them, a therapist or psychologist is not always needed,” Badli said. “Furthermore, for me, grief is not a clinical problem, but a very natural response to the experience of loss. “
What can help with this? Introduce farewell rituals. When the choreographer Catalina Insignares lost several members of her family in 2017, she was not in Colombia and therefore could not participate in the social, general movements and prayers to celebrate the dead. That got her thinking.

“Not only in the West, but also in Western societies, we no longer have contact with the deceased: we pay someone strange to take care of the body of a loved one and after the burial the remains disappear as quickly as possible,” she said. saying. “Many don’t even say hello anymore, because the image would be too heavy. Death disappears, although it is a part of life. That shows a complete disconnect with the phenomenon. “

This separate and distant approach to life after death is often at odds with how other cultures deal with it – this is also what the festival aims to make clear, which was inspired by influences from the East and South. “In some countries it is customary in the community to visit the grave every week after a death. After so many days, a memorial will follow, where the relatives come together to eat and drink,” said Badli. She summarizes that philosophy as: rejoice together, mourn together.

The culture of happiness

Such traditions are much more common in the West. A missed opportunity, because they offer healthy ways to deal with underlying grief, says Badli. “Traditions and rituals provide a safe framework in which you know: now I can and now I’m allowed to be sad. In conjunction with so-called happinessculture, which focuses on the achievement of the individual, grief, pain and loss feel very uncomfortable for many – uncomfortable and unwanted.”

But what does that look like in practice: new rituals? What Insignares said he learned was to be able to hear subtle messages from the dead and communicate with them.

“The relationship with our deceased loved ones may change, but we can still listen to their signs,” says Insignares. To be clear, this is not about very practical signs, but about experiencing feelings by coming together to dedicate songs to the deceased, by telling their stories, or by find meaning in subtle signs throughout the day. “You may have to make a decision, and if you feel something that reminds you of your deceased grandmother, you can interpret that symptom as a response,” she says. ‘ in seeing death: not as something linear, with a clear starting and ending point, but as something circular.”