Establishing Fair Financial Habits: Communicating the Need for Equal Responsibility

Since we moved, he has a slightly better paying job. He wants to buy a cheap truck to transport the necessary things to the house using the money from the sale of his house. He’s still making payments on his car and I haven’t gotten half the mortgage payments yet.

We’ve had conversations about financial stepping up and he’s frustrated. Most days I live paycheck to paycheck and feel drained. What’s the best way to communicate that we need to establish healthier financial habits?

I don’t ask to be taken care of. I just want us to distribute our responsibilities fairly.

What do you suggest?

The Bride

Dear Fiancee,

Make your financial conversations part of your life. Just like any couple who goes to a marriage counselor or goes on a date to discuss what is right or wrong in their relationship, you should also find time to discuss your goals and be completely transparent with each other. In fact, this survey found that almost a third of couples thought being honest about their finances was more important than being honest about fidelity (or infidelity).

This requires writing down your income and expenses on a piece of paper side by side and establishing that you should each receive 50% of your mortgage payments each month. Ideally, this conversation should take place before you buy (or buy) a house together. If you own this home, you should try to keep your mortgage account separate after you get married to avoid mixing ownership, and/or until you are sure you are both on the same footing. equality.

My colleague Leslie Albrecht recently wrote a “Financial Face-off” on the question of whether it is better to keep your finances separate or to share them. She cited research from the University of Michigan that followed 230 newly married couples over two years. The results: Those with joint accounts were happier overall, but it was unclear whether happiness (or trust) led them to share their accounts or whether shared accounts increased happiness or trust.

In your case, a shared account for household expenses will help both of you keep track of your finances and keep you both indebted. Approach it as a shared goal rather than someone not doing their best. However, if your partner feels confident that you will make up the shortfall, this will be more difficult to do if you have a household record showing, for example, that he is spending too much money on paying for his car and socializing.

You can also hire a financial planner to help you monthly or every two months. Here’s what I’ve learned from writing this column and addressing many similar stories of couples who can’t get on the same financial page: our relationship with money is exactly that: it’s a relationship. It is informed by personality traits and also by our upbringing. If we were brought up in an environment where money was scarce, they might be more inclined to skimp and save.

Please don’t feel alone. More than half (58%) of American adults said they too lived paycheck to paycheck, according to this CNBC survey conducted in partnership with market researcher Momentive. Additionally, 70% of respondents admitted to feeling stressed about money. Rising interest rates, high prices for everything from housing to food, and the drumbeat of an impending recession are all weighing on people’s lives.

Some couples get by without talking about money, sharing their finances, or even fighting over them. As this man told me his story with money: “My father was not good at money management and my mother was in charge. I even had jobs when I was in high school and college during the summer. I was taught to pay myself at a very young age. I worked in supermarkets and when I was at university. But not everyone gets that kind of hard lesson early.

Ultimately, you want to pay off your house, have a little fun along the way, and earn enough to invest money in a 401(k) and/or IRA. We all have big long-term goals (a happy retirement), but those short-term dreams (staying current on your mortgage and having a great vacation once a year, if possible) also keep us going. If your fiancé is frustrated, it may be because he’s under pressure and afraid of his ability to contribute.

This might be a good time for you to ask your fiancé, “How can I help you?” How can we make this happen together? Finally, a word of caution: whatever habits you form now and expectations you create around money will likely stay with you in your marriage, so make sure you’ve established fair financial behavior. and just before signing this contract. Money is the main cause of arguments among married couples, and also one of the main causes of divorce.

Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas.

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The Moneyist regrets not being able to answer the questions individually.

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