Career, marriage, children, building a house – and preferably still in the thirties: For many young women this is an absolute dream. Jennifer Klinge also imagined her life in the thirties like this for a long time – until she arrived there and suddenly realized that her life was going in a different direction. In her book “auch gut” the author pleads for a life in harmony with one’s own timing and shows that it can be the “model career” but doesn’t have to be.
Many young people have a rough idea of what life will be like in their thirties. What did that look like for you?
JENNIFER KLINGE: I already had this idea in my head: being an adult means living with a partner, being married, having children, living in a house. The storyline as seen in movies everywhere. I never questioned that, because that’s how you were socialized.
What made you question all of this?
In my twenties I noticed: I’m a long way from – from wanting. At first I thought that I was simply slower than the others. Then I realized: Am I slower or do I just want something completely different?
What conclusion did you come to at the time?
My focus at the time was completely different: I gradually became self-employed, I traveled a lot, I went to parties. When I was about 33, it started that I was strongly reflected on the outside that it was ‘somehow not age-appropriate’.
In what way?
A lot of it was certainly not meant to be malicious, but it was said in a thoughtless manner that constantly reflects: ‘Something is wrong’ – especially when you’re single. Being single is always equated with a certain lack, as if something were missing. At some point I was no longer able to distinguish: Is that really the case or have I already internalized it so much that I suddenly perceive myself as this ‘worst case’ scenario, as depicted by Bridget Jones and Co.?
Suddenly everything happened incredibly fast: Everyone felt like they had a plan, moved away, started families. Of course, that has an impact on your own life, because you’ve spent a lot of time with these people before. And then there was this narrative from the outside, this ‘Time is running out’. I then realized that I simply had no vision, no role models to show that there are other life plans than the classic path of “marriage, child and home”.
How did it go for you then?
I’ve changed the circumstances of my life, I’ve noticed that I need to get moving, to get my mind moving. At that time I was being accompanied by a therapist, my therapist said to me: ‘You have to get out into life and take away your fear of the future by throwing yourself into it.’ Of course, this varies from person to person and is totally individual. I personally had to get out of my comfort zone and then traveled and met a lot of like-minded people. Then I also noticed: There is something else, there are other stories that are told far too little. Being on the road has given me many new perspectives.
How can we learn to re-evaluate CVs or drafts?
Even today I’m not completely free of it, but today I simply notice much more quickly how strongly we were socialized in a certain direction and that there is another way. I’d rather look at the whole journey than just look at a template. Saying to yourself: ‘Now I’m here, what’s going well right now, what can still unfold, but doesn’t have to?’
Wedding, child and own home is still what many people wish for.
I don’t care that one life plan is better than the other. Quite the opposite: It’s totally cool when someone wants to become a mother and get married – and has a great partner for it. It’s open to me too. Maybe I’ll meet the person with whom I’ll build a future together. But maybe not. Then I’m in the world for something else. I think it is very important to see this alternative as equivalent.
But as a woman in her thirties, it is also a reality that you can only have children of your own up to a certain point.
Of course we can’t avoid that. You can’t change anything biologically. But I think it’s important to stop this mental race. I get in touch with myself inside and ask myself: Do I want this or do I think I want this because I consider it normal?
Of course, you also have to consider that our wishes do not always come true. To be sad in a healthy way: ‘Yes, I would have liked that, but it’s not working right now, maybe it will come, maybe not.’ But it is very important not to let society put this sad corset on you. That’s a totally one-sided view. I don’t go along with that and give life a bit of space so that it can unfold instead of just structuring it all the time.
In your book you give tips on how to find your own timing. For example?
What always helps me: every plan in life has a price. There isn’t anything that is just ‘WOW’ – we are often dazzled by Instagram and Co. Also to say to ourselves: It scares me sometimes, but I’m on a journey and there is no timeline that defines when and what must happen. You just have to keep your nerve and say to yourself: ‘Hey, what can conjure up my life that I could never have imagined before?’
There are so many aspects that should be considered, not just this story ‘Zack, zack, zack, these are such small building blocks that we can put together and then you’ll be happy’. Life works differently. I think it’s important to learn from an early age to have a certain flexibility to respond to life. Which building blocks do I want, which ones are possible for me and how do I look at happiness?
