Michelle has had chronic pain complaints for 13 years. In her groin, hips, stomach and legs. A lot of pain. Several therapists started a process with her in good spirits, to eventually discover what she already feared: nothing helps.
At the age of nine, Michelle fell during soccer practice. Not long before that fall, she was operated on for an inguinal hernia and shortly afterwards they removed her appendix. Two interventions, which, together with her fall, caused a lot of pain in her body at that time. That pain never went away.
Off the boat
Years passed and doctors could not discover the cause of Michelle’s pain after numerous examinations. Michelle now knows that at that point, perhaps things should have been done differently. “The chronic physical pain was a result of my mental pain, but I didn’t know that at the time.”
That mental pain probably came from her childhood, which was not always easy. “My parents divorced, a loved one became ill and I was also bullied at school. Because of my spontaneous pain, I often had to get out and I was left out more often. I also played football, which was sometimes difficult because of the pain. Friends understood. me and the trainer did not know what to do with it. I often sat on the couch disappointed. Those events had a great impact on me as a child. “
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The pain remained, and several treatments followed each other in vain. “The medical world could not help me. Every physiotherapist saw a challenge in me. I always faithfully did what doctors and therapists told me to do, but nothing changed. After twelve different physiotherapists and fifteen doctors, I was told a few years ago that I but had to learn to live with my pain. I lost my confidence in myself and the medical world. “
Frustration and anger
Frustration, but also anger played out. “I was angry with the medical world. Why couldn’t they help me? Now I know that it is not only because of the doctors: I am also guilty. I am largely responsible for my own behavior and my own pain. It is a shame. that I didn’t find out before, but I’m glad I know now. “
To reach that conclusion, Michelle had to hit rock bottom first. That happened last year. “Severe attacks of pain came back more and more. Sometimes so bad that I could no longer stand or climb stairs. This increased my fear and despair. The idea that I could never live without pain seemed to become more and more true and made me desperate.”
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In desperation, Michelle left for Australia on her own. “In the Netherlands I had no life. I could not function normally here. In my opinion, traveling was the only way out to be able to trust my body again and to stand on my own two feet. I was really dreading it and saw bears everywhere on the road. I don’t think anyone has ever traveled so scared before. I cried the whole flight for 38 hours. “
The mask had to be removed
When she arrived in Australia, Michelle hoped things would get better soon, but that was disappointing. “In the Netherlands I always wore a mask for the outside world. Because of the bad experiences from my youth I had convinced myself that I didn’t belong anywhere when I was in pain, so I always pushed myself over the edge. I participated in sports, surfing or playing games, while I was in enormous pain, so as not to be considered strange or crazy. When I came home I was completely devastated and sad. “
Although Michelle managed to keep that mask on in the Netherlands, it turned out not to be so easy in Australia. “I had a roommate that I was with day and night. It is then impossible to constantly pretend that nothing is wrong. I was very worried about that and was afraid that if I showed my true self, people found me strange or affected. The situation caused me so much stress that I lost five kilos in two weeks and hardly slept. “
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Michelle’s roommate saw her crying in bed every night. “She got to know me as someone with pain, frustration and fear. At a certain point I could no longer keep the mask full and I took off my mask. Then I noticed that despite my pain, I could come with the group and that people didn’t think it was weird or stupid at all. ‘
Relaxing for the first time in ages
After that realization, things quickly improved. In addition, Michelle had no obligations in Australia, which also reduced a lot of pressure. “For the first time in a long time I was able to relax. I could finally really be myself. Because the mental pressure decreased, my physical pain also decreased over time.”
In Australia, Michelle learned that her pain is not only physical, but also comes from the pressure she puts on herself. “Many friends in the Netherlands didn’t know what I was struggling with. I didn’t tell much about that, because I thought I was a burden. Now that I am back in the Netherlands I know that I can talk about my pain and listen to my body. I read books and listen to podcasts about how to take better care of myself. A while ago I discovered ‘Iceman’ Wim Hof, that helped me a lot. “
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A cold shower every day relieves pain, both in her body and in her head. “I’m not saying it’s a panacea, but it does come close. It makes me realize that I can deal with stress and that I can handle more than I think. That actually applies to all of life. much more than you think. “
Nowadays Michelle is doing a lot better. She still has a long way to go to become completely pain-free, but she is sure that things are going in the right direction. “By discovering for myself what I need for my body, it gives me so much energy. It remains confronting when people say that I am reserved or not daring. But I now know that there are also a lot of people who accept me as I am. , and I’m putting extra effort into that now. “
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