What if your loved one has a difficult past, such as an addiction, an extremely large number of bed partners or a deep childhood trauma that causes problems? Carlos’ girlfriend battles with past traumas.
‘We met four years ago during my first year at college. She belonged to the popular, pretty girls. I used to keep to myself, so I thought it was special when she saw me standing there. At first she seemed so much more mature than me. Mature, smart and good at everything she did, I found that super attractive. But gradually cracks appeared in that image.’
Withholding and lying
‘For example, she had scars that I didn’t know where they came from. I tried to talk to her about it, but she is very secretive and doesn’t tell anything about her past. I find out things more by chance, like at family parties for example. It turns out that her biological mother was a heroin addict during pregnancy, causing her to be born as a baby with withdrawal symptoms. She is also adopted, something I only discovered after months. These are all things that I have no problem with, but I do have a problem with the fact that she often withholds things and lies.’
These are all things that I have no problem with, but I do have a problem with the fact that she often withholds things and lies.’
‘It is clear that her past causes mental problems. She can have serious outbursts, for which she always has a different explanation. She then tells her friends that she is having an argument with me – while nothing is wrong – and to me she blames it on an incident with her mother.’
Waiting for things to go wrong
‘My parents have been quite absent in recent years, because they had to take care of my brother, who had cancer. I also have issues myself, but I can’t go to her about them. There is no room for me. She can be very manipulative and sometimes plays on my insecurities. For example, she recently said that my parents prefer my brother more than me.’
This summer I found her in the bath. She had cut herself, causing the water to look red. Not because she wanted to die, but for attention.
‘Her behavior also seems to be becoming more and more extreme. This summer I found her in the bath. She had cut herself, causing the water to look red. Not because she wanted to die, but for attention. After much insistence, she was admitted for a while. That’s a very bizarre feeling, only being able to see your girlfriend after you have to go through three sturdy doors.’
Demons from her past
‘We have had an on-again, off-again relationship for three years now and things are going from bad to worse. That strong, mature, smart woman from the beginning is now only a shadow of herself. We also have fun moments together, but I keep my heart in check every time we go somewhere. She always starts arguing with me or someone else. I have often begged to go to therapy, and after that admission she did so for a while (I even went with her once), but that only frustrated me. During such a session she seems like a different person. She knows very well how to behave. She’s my first serious girlfriend, but I’m increasingly realizing that a relationship shouldn’t feel like this. I would have loved to help her, but the demons from her past prove too strong. I want to be happy again myself.’
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Text: Anaïs Raes
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2023-10-08 13:01:40
#Carlos #girlfriend #battles #traumas
