Danielle has bipolar disorder

“For the first time in my life I am stable.” With these words Danielle begins her story. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder five years ago. She has spent five years trying to find the right drug and dosage to stabilize herself.

For stable it means peace and space in his head. ” For the first time, I experience what it is like to function like others. Of course everyone has good and bad days. But at some point I couldn’t work anymore; moods were everything.

Maniac

“When I was in a manic period, I was hyperactive. My head and thoughts were working overtime. I didn’t need to sleep. During the mania, I was like that Duracell bunny in that commercial that keeps bouncing around. The whole world and I was at the 24/7 Incentive Search Just like a drug addict goes to great lengths to get drugs, I’ve gone to great lengths to try extra incentives.

I was full of energy during weeks of manias. I completely lost reality in such a time. For example, I texted famous Dutch people with all kinds of ideas about what I could offer them as a copywriter. Or I thought I wanted to go to New York the next day. Without thinking about finances or what it meant for my family. At one point I felt like I was going crazy. Songs, conversations and ideas kept popping into my mind. It was no longer possible to sleep. I have plundered my body.

If my family wanted to slow me down in everything I did, it backfired. I might react angrily to a question. I had no control over myself and went completely my own way due to the strong mood. Going out with friends had to get crazier. When one stimulus was satisfied, I needed another, larger stimulus to maintain that manic feeling.

My appearance was different when I was manic. That’s what I see when I look at photos from a manic period. My husband and parents were the first to see the start of a mania. Over and over I denied it was mania. This is the worst thing about mania. I even fooled myself by saying I was just excited. I was also good at manipulating. For example, I just told my parents I was going out for dinner and told friends I was going to a concert. Every night I went with a different girl. In this way I made sure that it was not noticed, that I had free rein. I also stopped posting everything on social media to avoid comments “.

I have sent messages to famous Dutch people

After each mania came depression. This is the mood ripple typical of bipolar disorder. “The higher the peak, the deeper the valley. The depression always lasted longer than the mania.

I couldn’t function at all during the depression. I couldn’t run errands or do housework and couldn’t take care of my children. It also doesn’t work. Nothing at all. Not even beautiful or beautiful things.

My husband and parents had to step in to keep our family going. Every morning I felt that deep, dark black sensation again. Alone in my bed and deep under the covers I felt safe. Depression feels so lonely and it’s so elusive. I did not feel the love of my children and my husband. Retroactively, this makes me very sad. My whole feeling was dead during the depression.

For over thirty years I have been manic-depressive. So I knew it: you always go out again. Even from the deepest depression. That was my only hold. I am a believer, but at times like this, faith has done nothing for me.

Retroactively I can be very sad about this

Only when I was able to get up, some songs or lyrics could help me. It gave me a warm feeling of having my faith. But only when the deepest valley was gone. Maybe subconsciously I felt my faith because I never really took the step to take my life. “

Danielle has continued like this for years. As a teenager, Danielle experienced small ripples, but the peaks and troughs got bigger and bigger over the years. “My dad always said, ‘With Danielle, she runs or stands still. Black or white. Gray doesn’t know Danielle. ‘ In retrospect, she has hit the mark. Every time I went to the doctor they would tell me something different. I suffered from a fall fall, had a breakdown or was told I couldn’t keep up. I just had to learn to stay within my limits.

This made it feel like those depressions were my fault. So when I was depressed again, I stopped ringing the bell. I would feel even more of a failure. “

Depressed maniac

“The worst moment was after I took my daughter to dance. I was driving around the bend along a canal. And I thought: I accelerate and drive in the water. Then my mind is finally calm; I thought I was crazy. done “No. I told my husband. All the alarm bells rang and I was referred by a psychiatrist. “I don’t understand why you haven’t been referred before,” the doctor said. “It’s very clear. You’re manic depressive.”

After that diagnosis five years ago, I didn’t feel relieved. I felt like I was stamped “crazy” on my forehead. My environment has responded positively. We finally knew what was happening. “Now you can get very targeted help,” they said.

That realization came to me a week later. The depressions and the manias: it wasn’t all my fault. I was sick and had no influence on the course of the voting.

After that low point in the car, I knew I had to focus on improving. I really enjoyed my job, but I couldn’t bear the idea of ​​having to go back to work. Before, I had to improve without being pushed. I stopped working as an employee and now I work for myself. At first it seemed like a bad choice, but now freelancing has become a real gift. It gives me so much peace and space. If I hadn’t been so sick I would never have taken this step. In this sense it has also brought a lot to me “.

If I didn’t answer the phone, my husband got scared

It was a search, but now Danielle has found the right medications. “I can’t do without drugs. In addition, rest and regularity are good for me. If I had to go to concerts three nights in a row, it would be problems. Little sleep and lots of stimuli increase the chances of a new mania.

In spite of everything, I am not embittered. I’m happy. I focus on what’s there and what I can do. It is easier to achieve if you are stable, but even before that I have succeeded. Crazy maybe, but I can look back on my life with a warm feeling. It transformed me into who I am today. “

Bipolar disorder and relationships

“It has also strengthened my relationship with my husband. I am proud of us and of where we are now. It is great that we have always been open, even to our children. It can be even more difficult to be a partner next to you loved one who suffers from the disorder. bipolar rather than having to endure it alone.

During depressions, my husband simply had to go to work, not knowing how he would find me in the evening. I was wondering if I wasn’t going to do weird things. If I didn’t answer the phone, it caused concern. He didn’t do anything wrong, did he?

The others could not see that I was sick and could wear a mask well. Not my family and close friends. They saw it in my eyes, without shining. No one else realized how deeply depressed I was. This makes invisible ailment even more difficult. Suffering is not visible to the outside world.

The most important thing is to be there for someone with bipolar disorder without judgment

Every day I am very consciously grateful for how things are going now. If I have a bad day, I’m no longer afraid to fall back. I can feel less happy without fear of depression. And when I’m happy, I no longer wonder if it’s the beginning of a mania. There is trust. In the beginning, a state of mind determined how I felt and how I acted. This is the biggest difference from how it is now. “

Danielle is stable. In the end. When asked if anything is missing from this story, she replies, “I would like to share how you can be of added value to someone with bipolar disorder. The most important thing is to be there for someone without judgment. Without good intentions advice or solutions, but offer an ear. listening or providing distraction in the form of a walk, a cup of tea, or something else fun

And to others with bipolar disorder, I mean, know it can be fine. “