‘courting someone’, what is that? Our parents and grandparents still engaged in ‘live’ courtship, but what about the 18 to 35 year olds? Do they still dare to approach someone or do they prefer to play it safe with the help of dating apps? Singles coach Perla Van Belle and researcher at the AP Hogeschool Lara Hallam give explanations and tips: ‘Stop chatting! If that takes too long, unrealistic expectations arise.’
Is the success of dating apps starting to wear off? After all, a Dutch study shows that the success of dating apps like Tinder does not lead to more relationships. Maybe we should switch to live flirting, by addressing someone on the street or in a bar? Tasty old-school like our parents used to do. Or go on a date without thinking with the brother of an acquaintance’s hairdresser. This way you don’t have to text back and forth for weeks and you quickly notice whether there is a click. Sounds good, but we are now so used to address each other via Instagram or a dating site with a well-thought-out catchy opening sentence that we have it live flirting might be a bit forgotten. Is it still appreciated if you stop someone on the street to have a chat? And do singles still meet spontaneously?
“Real life contact is so important,” says singlescoach Pearl Van Belle. “I organized all kinds of events for singles before corona and I really enjoyed observing how the first contacts are made. Now such events are becoming more frequent. It always starts with two camps, a men’s and a women’s side. And even at such an event, where you know everyone is single and eager to chat, there’s a barrier. They sometimes take a look at the other camp, but – literally – taking the step towards someone who is interesting turns out to be difficult. Certainly to do that on the street or in a bar is not easy for many.”
Don’t make it too difficult for yourself
Flirting is not an exact science and every person is different. Yet, according to Van Belle, there is a universal starting point: “Eye contact! If you’re single, you automatically look around and eye contact for a few seconds is a perfect start. That’s the least intrusive. Then when that one person looks back, you’re gone. In a bar, for example, you can walk past, move a little closer and do the same when the other person is about to order something. While standing together at the bar, you can talk about something obvious in a very accessible way. About the location, the music, the drink…
Don’t start from the idea that you have to go home with someone that evening. Don’t look for a date, but for a nice conversation and see what comes out. Also, don’t hang around too long with a person you don’t click with. If you notice after a few minutes that he or she is not the one finish the conversation and enjoy your evening.”
Van Belle believes that you can score if you chat with someone in a casual way. And I don’t mean between the sheets. You score if you can talk to someone, have a drink together and exchange numbers.”
On the street we raise the barrier for ourselves. Everyone has headphones on and is busy with themselves. “We don’t look around enough,” says Van Belle. “Not even the gym, which is a perfect meeting place. Take off those headphones anyway and if it fits, speak to someone. You shouldn’t look for a topic of conversation if you have the same hobby.”
Online expectations are different than offline.
Fishing in the Tinder Sea
Live courtship or flirting turns out to be reserved for the daredevils. Fortunately, there are tools for the more reserved: social media and dating apps. “An app like this is a boundary-breaking tool to make that first contact, but stop chatting in time! Tell us a little about yourself, find out if there’s a click and meet each other. Getting to know each other completely through a dating app is bullshit”, says Van Belle laughing. Dating researcher Lara Hallam fully agrees. “Online, body language drops out, which is the bulk of communication. On top of that, you get a distorted image of the other person, so it can only be disappointing when you finally meet up.”
although live courting is on the rise again, dating apps remain very popular. “They remain a nice way to ‘meet’ a lot of people. I found my boyfriend on a dating app myself,” says Lara. “Without that aid I would never have met him, because he lived quite far away. An app simply broadens the options.” Of course you have to put some effort into your profile. Some photos and statements are attractive and others are better avoided. “Show who you really are. If you are not adventurous and you like to watch Netflix on the couch during the weekend, put that on your profile. There are plenty of fish in the Tinder Sea and plenty of people looking for the same thing as you.”
Bam! You have a match. What now? Of course you want to leave a good impression with that person. On the street you don’t have to be too creative and a simple ‘hey’ will suffice. Online, the bar is slightly higher. “It’s a funny difference that the expectations are different online than offline,” says Hallam. A simple address is perceived as boring. Dating app users expect creative responses to their photos or bios. Travel photos and pets prove to be a good starting point for a conversation.”
Once the tone is set, keep the conversation going. Lara Hallam has a few for that too do’s and don’ts. “Show interest in your interlocutor. It should not be an interview, but ask about their day, job and craziest stories. Also show initiative and tell about your life. Expose yourself a little and tease to a date. You can really get to know each other there. Avoid turning the conversation into a wailing wall by sharing your annoyances, other dates, and your exes. Strange that I have to mention this, but you would be shocked how many people make this mistake,” says Lara Hallam with a laugh.
2023-05-02 00:04:30
#Flirting #digital #age #Swiping #daring
