Butterflies heartbreak turned into depression. When manic episodes also appeared, she turned out to have bipolar disorder. Just like her mother had.
Butterfly (39): “In 2007 I was diagnosed with bipolar. It was preceded by a very intense period. It started in 2005, when my boyfriend at the time, with whom I lived for years, broke up with me. I ended up in a black hole that I couldn’t get out of.
Over time it became clear that there was more to it than heartbreak and not seeing it for a while. A lot of things from my childhood came up during that time. For as long as I can remember, my mother has struggled with periods of depression where she was completely emotionally unavailable. That felt very unsafe as a child. My father did his best. During the week he tried to raise two children and run a household in addition to his job. In the weekends I stayed with my grandparents. My mother has been admitted to a psychiatric institution several times over a few months. When she was home, as I grew older I took care of her more than she took care of me. In short, I come from a family situation where there was no security, with a mother who couldn’t handle life and couldn’t offer me anything. Only in the very last phase of her life was she diagnosed with ‘bipolar’.
childhood traumas
To escape this, I left home at a young age and started living together. I was very dependent in that relationship. So in 2005, when everything fell apart, my days got dark—so dark that I didn’t think life was worth living anymore, I couldn’t work anymore and I didn’t want to leave the house. I decided to seek help and came into contact with all kinds of therapists. In that therapy I had to deal with the traumas of my childhood and I was given antidepressants. Many of those treatments were not reimbursed. The notes piled up and nothing helped.
It slowly dawned on me that I had to go to the hospital and get the right medication. I found that difficult. My mother was never really heard during her illness and did not receive targeted help. The drugs she was prescribed never worked for her. In 2006, after an earlier suicide attempt, she took her own life. The last two years of her life were hell. The doctors at the hospital neglected to admit her during that suicidal period. I think they didn’t know how to treat her anymore or they misjudged it completely, that’s also possible. So my confidence in healthcare was not too great and I was afraid that the same thing awaited me. Still, I finally took the step to go to the hospital and get examined, also because I started having more and more manic episodes in addition to depression, and I knew that bipolar disorder can only manifest itself in your twenties.
Everything in extremes
I understand that being bipolar is difficult for other people to understand. I can suddenly switch to depression and then switch to the other, reckless side. There is no level to be measured. In depressed times I hang on the couch, everything is too much for me and I have no energy. Actually, the day is too long for me, I feel absolutely no joy or interest in things or people and often think: I better be dead. That ‘black’ in those days is a continuous state of being. When I’m manic, I see life again and I do everything in an exaggerated form. I am bursting with energy, can work a lot and stay up for a very long time, sometimes all night. I make daily schedules where I run from hot to her. Everything goes to the extreme; I keep on accelerating, there is no brake.
In those manic moments I am overconfident in making decisions and making contacts, including when it comes to dating and dealing with men. I don’t see danger anywhere and don’t think about consequences. During those manic periods, I was certainly taken advantage of at times, because I trust everyone then. I completely ignore well-intentioned advice such as ‘Would you do it now’. I think I am decisive, but actually reckless is a better description. Making contact with strangers is easy – after all, I’m suffocating with self-confidence – but in the end I repel people, including men, because I’m too busy, wanting too much and too energetic. I lose sight of all reality. For example, during a manic period, I suddenly decided to set up my own coaching practice. I believed in that wholeheartedly and immediately started following private and online training. Luckily I didn’t get into debt because of it, but I did spend a lot of savings in one fell swoop. In the depressive period that followed, I abandoned the idea of my own practice. I couldn’t handle having that company at all. I didn’t even know how to get through the day. The idea alone!
In a manic period I am too overwhelming and controlling for people in everything, so that my environment can no longer follow me. During those periods the sun shines 24 hours a day, in depressive periods it is dark 24/7. I was eventually diagnosed with “bipolar type 2.”
Crying in the workplace
I now take medicines that take away the raw edges and that are completely tailored to me, both in the ‘uppers’ and in the ‘downers’. It has taken a while to find the right medication; it had to catch on and that takes time. First, for example, I was given a drug that made me so absent that I felt like a zombie. The dose of the current drug has already gone from 25 to 75 milligrams, which is quite a lot. These drugs are also quite heavy, they fall under the Opium Act. In the morning I take pills that counter the bottom, the depressive, in the evening I take a medicine that ensures that I stay out of the peaks and can sleep. A medicine works well for me if I can get through the day reasonably well, but it is still difficult to function.
Unfortunately, working for an employer is unthinkable. I tried for years, but even a fairly simple job like delivering the mail was too much pressure. I hoisted myself out of bed every morning and burst into tears on the work floor. I was very emotional and simply couldn’t get the job done; everything in me cramped. I was unable to filter information and stimuli. In more stable periods I was also always afraid of what would come next if I started to feel less. That added even more stress, sending you into a spiral of fear. In the end, contracts were never renewed. No employer wants to employ me. In 2013 I was completely disapproved. Since then I’ve been at home. I now live entirely on benefits. I find that very bitter. I often think of the lives of others—people whose alarms go off every morning to go to work. Not contributing to society really hurts me. I am happy to be able to tell my story, and hope to gain understanding from the people who read this. It is really hard to be mentally ill. People don’t see it in you; you better have a broken arm.
Hypnotherapy
What I do during the day is walking. I also notice that I enjoy being creative – then I am out of my mind for a while. Sometimes I drink coffee in the walk-in house of the GGZ, where I have a chat. For € 1.50 I can have breakfast there once a week. I really live by the day, I can’t look any further. Whether I am hereditary? Yes, I know that bipolar disorder is in the genes, but it must also have been reinforced by all the traumas I suffered as a child.
In addition to medication, I receive weekly hypnotherapy. I started that process myself, because regular health care does not believe that it can help at all. What I notice is that hypnotherapy contributes to the acceptance of my illness and that it teaches me to look at the relationship with my mother from a distance. It’s always been my fear of becoming like them. But I’m learning more and more that she had her share and I had mine. I am not my mother.”
This article originally appeared in Marie Claire December 2018.
Text: Natasja Bijl | Image: Dương Nhân (Pexels)
2023-07-30 11:30:27
#Confidence #Bipolar #Disorder
