Breaking the Taboo: A Single Mother’s Journey to Supporting Her Children’s Mental Health

No taboo

Sherin (50) is a single mother with four children living at home: two daughters aged 18 and 16, and two sons aged 12 and 7. Because of her own experiences with mental health, she knows how important what it’s like to talk openly about it as a parent. For her, it is not a taboo to be avoided, but an essential part of her upbringing.

But as a parent you can’t do everything by yourself. Sometimes children need support from care providers. Sherin wants to point this out to other parents, because external support is often still taboo, while she believes it can be very valuable. Two of her children are receiving training at a welfare organization Young Phoenix in Antwerp.

“My twelve-year-old son had dark thoughts, even suicidal thoughts. Of course I was very surprised, but on the other hand I was glad that he trusted me enough to tell me.”

“I like that he trusts me enough to tell me that.”

“I didn’t know what to do, so I looked it up Emergency line for older children from the Center for General Welfare (CAW). They came to our home and spoke to him and the rest of our family. From there we made a plan. The conclusion was that guidance by a psychologist or psychiatrist is not the solution for my son. Young FENIX was mentioned as an alternative. “

“It’s like this: I come from Aruba and moved from there to the Netherlands and later to Belgium. My son’s father is Moroccan. My son is struggling with his identity as a result. Who is he? What should he say when people ask where he is from?”

“Young FENIX deals well with such questions of identity. My son got a personal coach, who is from Brazil and is interested in Islam. That was well known to my son. And it was also valuable that he could talk openly about religion. Because I’m the only one he can talk to about it anymore. And when you’re a twelve-year-old boy, sometimes mommy gets bored. It was good for him to talk to another young man.”

“But it’s about more than that. My son also has ADHD and ODD, which is a behavioral disorder in which children act rebellious and angry. A difficult combination. He just can’t sit still for an hour and talk about his feelings. At Young FENIX they also go out with him, do something active… That’s an important difference with a program with a psychologist.”

“Right now he refuses to go to school. He and his coach will look at the options and what needs to be done to get him back to school. So the coaching is also very practical, with clear goals.”

“Yes, my eighteen year old daughter. That’s mostly because I suggested it to her. She has no problem, but she is a bit reserved, just like me. She does not always find it easy to express what she feels or thinks. And she also talks to her coach about things like looking for a job and preparing a CV. That’s not so easy to do alone at that age.”

“My children’s mental health is very important to me. I have anxiety and panic disorder myself. So I know what it’s like to struggle with mental health. It’s not fun. I don’t want my children to have to experience the same thing.”

“I also think it’s very important to know how I can help them. How can I do my part to make them feel better about themselves? The coaches at Young FENIX also give me advice. About how I should or shouldn’t deal with things, for example. If I run into something, I’ll make a meeting to talk about it.”

‘How do I make them feel better about themselves?’

“At Young FENIX they also look beyond my children, they look at our family and me. What I found very special is that a coach recently asked me if I could use some help besides the kids themselves. In all the years I’ve worked with different care providers, no one has ever asked me that.”

“That’s because of my youngest son. He has a mental and physical disability due to a rare disease. Because we know as a family how complicated life can be, we have become closer to each other. “

“It’s not easy when one of your children has a disability. Not for me as a mother, but also not for the other children. Since the situation had become too much for everyone in the family, Young FENIX made us one a while back Open heart circuit organized.”

“An Open Heart Circle is a time to talk openly with each other about a particular topic. It starts with a warm welcome, in a cozy room. That feeling is important. The management will make sure you relax first with breathing exercises.”

“Then the questions about the subject will follow. Everyone gets a chance to speak. No one is allowed to stop you. For example, they asked us how we saw the situation, what we feel about it and what we want to see changed.”

“A conversation like this can be very emotional. The counselors will make sure you get settled again. And when you leave, you leave everything, your feelings, in the room where the conversation took place.”

“It was very emotional, but I also thought it was very beautiful. It was valuable to hear from each other what the situation of the youngest affects us and how we can support each other better. I saw my son and my other daughters shocked at how sad he made me feel. When they saw me so emotional, they shut down a little. “

‘It was valuable to hear from each other what the situation is affecting us’.

“That is why I would like to organize another Open Heart Circle soon. Next time I want to talk more about them and how they feel about the situation. Now that they know better what to expect, they are ready for it.”

“I come from an older generation and was raised by my grandparents. They were very tight. You weren’t allowed to say how you felt. I have suffered from anxiety and panic disorder for over thirty years. When that started, my grandparents said it was all in my head. According to them there was nothing wrong with me.”

“I don’t want that for my own children. The first step was to accept that I cannot do everything alone. As a parent you cannot be perfect and you cannot solve everything for your children. There are organizations that can support you with this. I think as a parent you should grab that opportunity with both hands.”

“I wanted to do better for my children, but it wasn’t easy at first. In addition to my children who live at home, I have several adult children who live in the Netherlands. My grandmother raised my two oldest children. When she died I suddenly had to do it alone. In the Netherlands we received family care at home. They taught me everything about parenting. “

‘I would like to do better for my children.’

“It wasn’t just about practical things, but also about fun things like going to the playground, playing games together and hugging my kids. Even saying regularly that I like them. I didn’t know everything from my own upbringing.”

“Yes. For example, we wouldn’t eat together in the evening because my youngest son went to sleep around dinner time. Now we eat after he’s in bed. It gives us a fixed time of day for to be together. To discuss our day. We look forward to it every day.”

“People are embarrassed to talk about mental health because it’s taboo, but also because they think they’re the only ones who experience it. I want them to know they are not alone. By talking about it, we can support each other better.”