“I was nervous two days in advance because I didn’t know anyone except the bride,” says Yalenka De Zutter (31). “I had heard some bad stories about two girls being there, and I thought, what the hell am I going to say to them? In the end it wasn’t too bad: in the morning the bride had to do all kinds of assignments, in the afternoon we survived an escape room and in the evening we went to a restaurant: I lost 150 euros. I wasn’t the only one who thought that was quite a lot of money. And then I also have to travel to Slovakia for the wedding itself,” says De Zutter.
“I will never organize something like this again,” says M., a man in his twenties who wants to remain anonymous. “No one in the group took action to plan anything, so I had to pay for everything in advance – for ten people,” says M. In addition, she got into an argument with a friend’s sister. “She wanted to plan the bachelor party on a different day, so a good friend of the bride would not be able to attend. When I confronted that sister about it, the emotional blackmail started. It’s a constant competition of ‘who knows the bride best?’ Toxic.”
I recognise that. Friends sometimes deliberately outdo each other. The sky is the limit, especially on social media. The pressure to pay for such a splurge is high. Because why would you book a ‘cock pimping’ workshop in Belgium (I’m not kidding, it costs 8 euros) if you can drink negronis in Rome in a few hours’ flight? And you can bet that the next member of the group of friends wants to outclass the previous party. Although it doesn’t have to cost a fortune to have fun, says Annebeau Hofkens (22). “Last weekend I was at a bachelor party at the bride’s house. We cooked something together and sang karaoke: very nice. At that age it is logical that you do not have the large budgets to travel – everyone understood that.”
Spartan banquet
There have been rites of passage for as long as humans have existed. They give us something to hold on to at important moments in our lives, wrote Arnold Van Gennep in Les rites de passage. According to the anthropologist, the festival marks a change in a person’s social or sexual status. Every rite of passage has a ‘ritual death’, after which reintegration into the group follows.
As far back as ancient Sparta (5th century BC), the groom gave a banquet to ‘say goodbye’ to his companions. Women had to wait until the end of the 20th century for their celebration. Of course, in many cultures there were already certain cleansing rituals for women, such as the hammam, which abuses your skin until it flakes off. Also in Jewish Orthodox circles the emphasis is on the purity of women.
According to sociologist Beth Montemurro, it was only after the sexual revolution that women realized they deserved such a party. Until the 1950s, it was thought that it was pointless for a woman to celebrate her last day as a single person – imagine: her life only began after marriage! Things only got wild in the 80s, when women started celebrating their last night in dirty clubs. That’s where the bachelor parties as we know them now from terrible rom-coms were born.
On a wine safari in Limburg
Maybe we need new rituals? That sounds more spiritual than I mean it. But I want to organize something that suits me. No beer bike, striptease or pub crawl with a plastic ‘bride to be’ ribbon around my waist. I don’t want to burden my friends (because yes, I would throw a mixed bachelor party). A few hours of catching up in the hot tub, and everyone can go home in the evening. Or if there is enough budget by then, I will treat myself to a wine safari in Limburg. But maybe I won’t do anything at all for my wedding. It’s all stressful enough.
One of my best friends wants to go shopping for her wedding dress with her mother and best friends as a new ritual. A few hours of watching someone admire themselves in the mirror while sipping champagne: yes, I can do that. Either way, I’ll enjoy seeing her spend money because I know how long she’s been looking forward to it. But: as a bride, do you really want comments from all your friends on that day? Will you believe them when they say you “look good” in that asymmetrical dress with flounces? (I hate asymmetrical dresses).
Perhaps doubting women should seek inspiration from men. A quick survey taught me that there is usually little drama involved with men. Not much planning either. “We’re just going to drink beers and sleep in a tent. Just like we used to do with the scouts,” says a colleague. That seems wonderful to me. “I’ve never experienced any drama, just very fed up men,” says Thomas Bell. “I know French people who see a bachelor’s night as an excuse to cheat,” says D., a friend. And my love, he will soon go shrimp fishing with his café friends. He says. Hmm. How many Doodle fights and emotional blackmail can you handle? Or are you more of the relaxed campfire type? Feel free to let me know.
