A relationship with a narcissist is not recommended. Yet anyone can get caught up in the narcissistic spell. Some people are more susceptible to it than others.
How could this have happened? How can anyone be so blind and gullible? How can someone suddenly have so much power? Before you know it, you’re stuck in a relationship with a narcissist. A covert narcissist indeed, who pretends to be a vulnerable, charming, tender and disarming person. Some criteria can make you extra prone to getting caught up in the narcissistic spell. To emerge as a shadow of yourself.
The wolf without sheep’s clothing: behind the narcissist’s facade
Narcissists can only feel admiration and not real authentic love. As a result, they experience a great void. Behind the charming loving facade is often a very insecure person, who acts from the need to control everything. Deep down, they feel unloved, humiliated, and loathe themselves. As overcompensation, they will seek excessive recognition and appreciation from others.
They are extremely sensitive to criticism from others. Any small disagreement or comment will feel a huge humiliation and rejection to the narcissist. They constantly feel inadequate and will therefore compensate by putting the other down or pushing the other away instead of communicating openly. This will ultimately only reinforce their feelings of inferiority and feelings of inadequacy and loneliness
Very often, these feelings will also give rise to symptoms of depression and anxiety. To avoid these painful feelings, many narcissists will shut down apathetically through solitary addictions (alcohol, drugs, TV, gaming), compulsive compulsive behavior or the pursuit of stimuli (such as sexual excesses).
An important misconception is that people with narcissistic personality disorder can indeed be empathetic, but lose this ability when they are in their overcompensating or avoidant mode. So it’s important to recognize the deeper problem behind the destructive behavior.
In addition, very often narcissists choose a partner who is themselves emotionally distant, which further reinforces the feeling of being emotionally deprived. However, if they do choose a partner who is emotionally accessible, they will tend to keep taking without giving anything in return. This will create a toxic dynamic that eventually drains the partner who wants to give unconditional love. In therapy it is therefore crucial to focus on the attitude of the narcissist in intimate relationships, in such a way that healthier equal relationships can arise.
The pitfalls
- The pitfall of passionate romance. The passionate passionate love is idealized and romanticized by society. The desire for passionate love is already taught to us through fairy tales, songs and romantic films, which makes the romantic charm offensive of narcissists seem very credible.
- The trap of loyalty. He tells secrets he has never shared with anyone to keep you loyal and bind you to him. You feel honored because you are the only one who knows its secrets. You would never want to violate his trust.
- The pitfall of empathy. You want to give, try to ease his pain, give the love he never got. You want to fill his void because he deserves it, but this void will turn out to be a bottomless pit, where you will lose only your energy, cheerfulness and ultimately your own identity.
- The pitfall of naivety and rashness. You always see the good and the growth potential in others, which makes you oblivious to possible danger. Because you yourself want the good for others, you cannot imagine that others act from other motives.
- The pitfall of habituation by an unsafe childhood. If you have a narcissistic father yourself, you can become extra sensitive to these types of men. If you have known insecurity and mood swings from an early age, this feels familiar. It feels familiar to efface yourself and please the other to survive. If you are used to continuously walking on eggshells, then you are used to continuously having an increased production of stress hormone. There will also be a greater chance that in later life you will look for that thrill of tension in destructive relationships as an addictive habituation that continues from your unsafe childhood.
- The pitfall of the strong independent woman – who longs to finally let go of control and to be cared for. If you have always been strong and independent, you may feel the need to finally let go of all control. It feels like a burden that has been lifted from your shoulders to be able to let go of the responsibility and power and to be small and dependent for once. For example, strong women who have a dominant controlling function in the professional field often have the desire to submit in the relationship as overcompensation.
Narcissist from generation to generation
Many narcissists have been abused or manipulated by a narcissistic parent as children. This parent idealized the “miracle” child, but at the same time had huge expectations. The child’s needs have always been neglected because they have had to submit to the needs of the parent who manipulated and controlled them. Very often, from their own parenting trauma, the narcissist will have developed an anxious-avoidant attachment style that activates bipolar love with high peaks of intense love and deep valleys of hate.
Feelings of loneliness and emptiness motivate them to get closer to the other, but at the same time, the continuous feeling of falling short also causes them to push the other away. Narcissists will therefore continuously attract and repel the partner. They cannot live with or without the other.
Attachment styles are intergenerationally transferable. This shows that it is so important to recognize and break this pattern in order to protect children and prevent the transmission of personality disorders from generation to generation.
Eowyn Van de Putte (1990) works as a postdoctoral researcher at the Faculty of Psychology at Ghent University. In addition, Zoe also works as a clinical psychologist in the Bijloke general practice. She holds a PhD in cognitive neuroscience.
Elif Stepman (1992) is project leader at the consumer organization foodwatch. She studied Moral Sciences.
Mensenkennis.be, an initiative of the Ghent Alumni Psychology.
How could this have happened? How can anyone be so blind and gullible? How can someone suddenly have so much power? Before you know it, you’re stuck in a relationship with a narcissist. A covert narcissist indeed, who pretends to be a vulnerable, charming, tender and disarming person. Some criteria can make you extra prone to getting caught up in the narcissistic spell. To emerge as a shadow of yourself. Narcissists can only feel admiration and not real authentic love. As a result, they experience a great void. Behind the charming loving facade is often a very insecure person, who acts from the need to control everything. Deep down, they feel unloved, humiliated, and loathe themselves. As overcompensation, they will seek excessive recognition and appreciation from others. They are extremely sensitive to criticism from others. Any small disagreement or comment will feel a huge humiliation and rejection to the narcissist. They constantly feel inadequate and will therefore compensate by putting the other down or pushing the other away instead of communicating openly. This will ultimately only reinforce their feelings of inferiority and feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. Very often these feelings will also give rise to symptoms of depression and anxiety. To avoid these painful feelings, many narcissists will shut down apathetically through solitary addictions (alcohol, drugs, TV, gaming), compulsive compulsive behavior or the pursuit of stimuli (such as sexual excesses). An important misconception is that people with narcissistic personality disorder can indeed be empathetic, but lose this ability when they are in their overcompensating or avoidant mode. So it’s important to recognize the deeper problem behind the destructive behavior. Very often, narcissists also choose a partner who is themselves emotionally distant, further reinforcing the feeling of emotional deprivation. However, if they do choose a partner who is emotionally accessible, they will tend to keep taking without giving anything in return. This will create a toxic dynamic that eventually drains the partner who wants to give unconditional love. In therapy it is therefore crucial to focus on the narcissist’s attitude in intimate relationships, in such a way that healthier equal relationships can develop. Many narcissists have been abused or manipulated by a narcissistic parent as children. This parent idealized the “miracle” child, but at the same time had huge expectations. The child’s needs have always been neglected because they have had to submit to the needs of the parent who manipulated and controlled them. Very often, from their own parenting trauma, the narcissist will have developed an anxious-avoidant attachment style that activates bipolar love with high peaks of intense love and deep valleys of hate. Feelings of loneliness and emptiness motivate them to get closer to the other, but at the same time, the continuous feeling of falling short also causes them to push the other away. Narcissists will therefore continuously attract and repel the partner. They cannot live with or without the other. Attachment styles are intergenerationally transferable. This shows that it is so important to recognize and break this pattern in order to protect children and prevent personality disorders from being passed on from generation to generation.Eowyn Van de Putte (1990) works as a postdoctoral researcher at the psychology faculty of the UGent. He also works as a clinical psychologist in the Bijloke general practice. She holds a PhD in cognitive neuroscience. Elif Stepman (1992) is a project leader at the consumer organization foodwatch. She studied Moral Sciences. Mensenkennis.be, an initiative of the Ghent Alumni Psychology.
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