Anastasia Frantenko’s usual daily diet consisted of energy drink, water and the “Snowball” drink. A 27-year-old girl from Buryatia has been on diets for half her life, but in the last four years she decided to completely give up solid food. Over four years of the drinking diet, Nastya lost up to 38 kilograms and almost exhausted herself to death. Nastya talks about how she went through all the circles of hell and defeated anorexia.
– Tell me why you decided to go on a diet.
“I’m now trying to understand myself and understand why this all started… I’ve had the desire to lose weight since childhood. I am tall myself – 1.87 m. And compared to others, I looked bigger. Always. And it triggered me when people said, “Wow, you’re big!” They didn’t say “tall”, they said the word “big”. And big means fat. And this was what was killing me.
When I was 13, I started dieting. And at the age of 16 I was hospitalized for the first time because I had not eaten for three months. Then everything calmed down, but started again in 2019. I wanted to lose a couple of kilograms. Soon I loved this process, and I couldn’t stop. A fear of food appeared. I was afraid that I might gain weight and that all the diets would be in vain. That’s why I didn’t stop.
Eating disorders (EDs) are a number of behavioral syndromes associated with disturbances in the eating process: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, atypical anorexia nervosa and atypical bulimia nervosa, selective restrictive disorder (SRD), psychogenic overeating, psychogenic vomiting, psychogenic swallowing disorder and others .
— How did you come to the drinking diet?
— At first, I didn’t understand the topic of losing weight well, so I simply ate as little high-calorie food as possible. I counted calories in apples, salads, vegetables, buckwheat. Proper nutrition. Gradually reduced my diet. I ate less and less. And then I saw that there is a drinking diet – you just drink. I decided to experiment, just drink something delicious. I know it’s stupid.
First I drank energy drinks and juices. I could drink yoghurts. Then I realized: when I only drink energy drinks, I feel bad—convulsions begin. And I added “Snowball” to my diet.
Cheat meal – translated from English, cheat meal means “cheat with food.” That is, a person sticks to a diet and suddenly allows himself all the “forbidden” things. The point is that this is not a spontaneous breakdown with a complete loss of control, but a planned retreat from the diet for a short period of time.
Everything led to the fact that I could not eat anything solid. At first I gave myself cheat meals. I could sit out drinking for a month or two, and then have an evening of “binge drinking.” I would turn on a series or program in the evening and eat. And the hard stuff made me sick in the morning! I felt sick, all this “forbidden food” could not be digested. Then I realized that solid food did not suit me, and continued to drink. I was already afraid to eat, it was bad.
Well, plus, it seemed that I was very fat! Disgustingly fat! I just looked at myself in the mirror and was amazed at how fat I was… Even at 38 kilograms, when I was already dying, I considered myself fat. This is such a distorted perception of the body…
— How did you feel when you were diagnosed with anorexia? It was scary?
– Yes, it’s scary, but… When they told me this, I wasn’t surprised at all. There was a calm attitude – this is what everything was going towards. Why be surprised? On the other hand, I felt proud: “Yes, I achieved it! I lost weight to the point of anorexia!” I was proud of my willpower. I thought people didn’t understand anything. I can continue to lose more weight.
“I remember when all this started, they told me: “Oh, Nastya! With your two-meter height, you won’t be able to lose up to 55 kilograms.” And I decided that I could. Then the numbers began to move lower and lower. I can’t do it, you say? Well, let’s see! To whom and what did I prove? When you suffer from eating disorder, you can say that a split personality occurs. You seem to want to stop. Every time you think that this month of the diet is the last, you’ll lose a couple more kilograms and that’s it. It turns out that she was deceiving herself.”
— What happened to your body and body when you were on diets?
– It’s as if I’m remembering a past life… I had weakness and constant dizziness. Hair was falling out. As soon as I started eating properly, before I even switched to drinking water, my hair began to fall out. Convulsions began. It was freezing all the time. I remember when I was 38 kilograms, in the summer I wore a jacket, sweater, and hat. People are hot, but I feel like I’m in winter! It was constantly freezing, it seemed like it was freezing from the inside. I’m defending myself from the outside, but it’s freezing me from the inside.
The skin was falling off. Everything remained on the clothes. My heart hurt very badly. As if it was about to stop. Veins are swollen. They stood out straight out, as if they were wrapping wire around my entire body, and it was difficult for me to walk.
Mentally and morally there were very serious problems. I alternated between crying and laughing. Such mood swings back and forth. I couldn’t sleep, I slept an hour or two a day. And she worked all the time. She lived at work and postponed her already drinking meals. Panic attacks began. I was prescribed a lot of pills – sleeping pills, antidepressants.
“The depression was terrible. I wanted to hang myself, chip in somewhere, end my life. I’m tired of suffering. I thought that I couldn’t live like this: I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t start eating, I’d just die. I was very afraid for my parents, felt sorry for them and blamed myself for being such a daughter. I called my mother and every time I thought that this call was the last. Every time I said: “Mom, that’s it…” I can’t say it now. It’s very sad to remember. In general, I said goodbye to them every time. The doctors said that I would not recover. Everyone buried me. Nobody thought I would survive. I couldn’t even walk towards the end.”
– What did your parents say?
“The parents were in a lot of pain. They couldn’t cope with me, they suffered. But I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t pull myself together. The parents tried to help. They called hospitals, in different cities, asking prices. They even invited me to the programs “Live”, “Beyond the Borders”, and some others, I don’t remember. But I didn’t want to be on TV.
It is difficult to help in such a situation. I know from myself that when they put pressure on me and force me to eat, there will be no result. I left home and did not communicate with my family. It seemed to me that everything was against me.
— When did you realize that if you don’t stop, everything could end tragically?
— My first restoration was in 2022. Then I went to the hospital for the second time. They took me there in a wheelchair, I couldn’t eat. It felt bad, again all these signals from the body. When you come face to face with death, it immediately becomes scary. So I tried to recover, but everything was unsuccessful.
I lived with my parents, gained weight from 48 to 60 kg and went to work in Mukhorshibir. Alone again, the same walls, the same atmosphere. And I started to lose weight… Yes… And I left before the last minute. I actually thought that I would lose a couple of kilograms again and stop, but no, I didn’t stop… It’s very scary. I remember all this now… It’s true, it’s so scary!
This time it was terrible. I really thought every second that now I was definitely going to die! I need to say goodbye to my parents, do the last things, because I’m definitely going to die today. I couldn’t get out of bed; my neighbor gave me broth. For some reason I thought that I needed to recover only among my family, they would give me the strength to live. I wanted to see my family so much, very much. And they helped me.
“Now everything is more or less stable. Thoughts flash through my mind that I’m fat. During the first stage of recovery, you swell as much as possible, so it takes another year or two for my body to return to its previous shape, from which it began to lose weight. The body has not received normal food for so many years. I have moments when I think that I won’t be able to continue recovery, that I need to try to lose weight again. But I stop myself. But now I’m alive and I don’t want to go back there!”
I like my real life. People are drawn to me, I have made new friends. There, in the past, one or two and that’s it. Now I find a common language with everyone, but then people were afraid of me. They looked as if I had cancer. They were afraid to touch me and talk to me. Because the picture was really sad.
– In general, is everything good now? Do you eat everything?
– Yes, everything is fine now. I’m so happy! I don’t eat everything, though. I don’t eat mayonnaise, fatty foods, fried foods, flour foods, and sweets only occasionally. I can afford ice cream or dark chocolate. I still don’t eat fast food, sausage or meat. What do I eat then? I somehow gained weight… Basically, almost everything. But I don’t eat what I said – I don’t like all this fatty stuff. It’s kind of bad to eat this kind of food. I try to eat more vegetables, fruits, and added eggs and cereals to my diet.
Health is also basically normal. Only there are still problems with the stomach; not everything is digested. It’s hard after that. In terms of women, “those days” have finally come to me – I’m normal now! And she also became very, very active! Comparing with the time when I was dystrophic…
Of course, it’s still unusual to live in such a body. I haven’t lived there for four years. Now I’m at the very beginning of recovery – 75 kilograms! With my height, this is normal according to my body mass index. Psychologically… I don’t have depression or panic attacks or seizures at all.
But if you start eating disorder, it is already incurable. I have restored my body, but I still have the disease in my head. So, of course, I don’t know what could happen. One wrong word and everything will start again. But I will try to do everything to prevent this from happening again. I can’t promise that I will fully recover. The disease in my head was not cured, but here in Buryatia… whoever I went to, they told me that the case was complicated. It will be difficult to cope with the disease. The main thing is that now I have recovered, that I am alive. And… death is now very far away – as much as 38 kilograms.
– As I know, you are an artist. Tell us about your creativity. What are your plans?
— I officially work at a children’s art school in the Mukhorshibirsky district. But most likely I won’t go back there. Because the atmosphere is oppressive and I can return to illness. And so, I work part-time. I draw sketches of tattoos, portraits and paintings to order, and sculpt clay products. Now I want to master manicure. I’m gradually trying to do something myself, I’ll probably take courses. And also paint shoppers and custom-made clothes. We are planning to hold our own exhibition. I don’t know where yet, but the exhibition will be dedicated to lost time. I want to do a lot of work in my style.
— What would you like to say to girls who are now tormenting themselves with diets?
– This will not lead to good things. There are only two results. Either you die or gain more weight. All your life you will suffer and struggle with imaginary kilograms. Therefore, it is better to immediately consult a doctor. It’s easier for those who have just started to get sick. You will be able to recover normally. Don’t bother, don’t listen to your surroundings! People will find something to complain about, no matter what you are like. Do something you love.
Well, in general… It’s stupid to die simply because you wanted to lose weight. When I was dying, I thought: how can this be? You should become a famous artist, people should know about you, about your creativity. Do you mean die? Because of which? Because you think you’re fat and want to lose weight? It is so stupid!
2024-02-16 09:15:00
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