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Friday, May 29, 2020 at 12:25
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As a Bolton Wanderers player, Marvin Sordell experienced what it is like to play in the Premier League, while as a youth international on behalf of Great Britain he was also active at the 2012 London Olympics. However, at an age when a footballer normally performs at the top of his game, Sordell decided to put an end to his career last year. The striker had been struggling with mental problems for years and in 2019, after having been let to Northampton Town by Burton Albion for six months, he was hanging on his football boots at the age of 28. In an emotional open letter on the website of the BBC Sordell now looks back on this decision, hoping to lend a helping hand to others struggling with the same problems.
“It’s been almost a year since I made the decision that I thought would make my life happier: to quit professional football at the age of 28. To most it sounds like a ridiculous idea to run away from your dream job, but after years of depression, which eventually culminated in a suicide attempt, this was without doubt the best decision I could make, ”Sordell said, going on for clubs if Charlton Athletic, Burnley, Colchester United and Coventry City played his message. “Looking back on it, I am most surprised that my mental problems only surfaced when I had my greatest successes. After a few years in the first of the then modest Championship club Watford, I was taken for over 3.5 million euros by Bolton Wanderers to the Premier League. An amount now considered to be miniscule was a significant weight for many in 2012. As I’ve learned in my lifetime, pressure and expectations increase as financial interests grow. ”
“Fortunately I have not succeeded”
“My 21-year-old I found it extremely difficult to deal with the weight of the transfer fee that suddenly hit my shoulders. In retrospect, I also realized that I sought my self-worth from outside sources, which is probably due to the fact that my father has not played a role in my life since I was six. If you put a young man with serious self-confidence, low self-esteem, seeking approval at any time, under high pressure in a situation where he is constantly being judged, it probably won’t work out. This, along with several other things I couldn’t deal with, has led me to try to end my own life. At the time I was 22 years old and after taking antidepressants for a few months, and many more months trying to treat myself with alcohol, I no longer saw hope or happiness. Fortunately, I did not succeed. ”
“The morning after this attempt, I woke up, went to training as if nothing had happened, and trudged through life without talking to anyone about it for four years. I was ashamed that I even thought about something I considered a selfish act, but even more because it was unsuccessful, ”Sordell continues. The former attacker was regularly asked how he was doing during this period, but always gave an evasive answer to this: “” It is okay “or” I am just tired “was almost always my response. I didn’t feel like anyone, except my close family and friends, really wanted to know. I also didn’t want to discuss it with anyone. I could never really tell why I didn’t open myself up, but in hindsight this is something I should have done before. ”
“Not knowing or understanding how to express my feelings, as is often the case with people, I started writing down all my thoughts, emotions and feelings in poem form. This was the beginning of the journey to my current destination. The simple act of putting these things down on paper so that I can look at it, think about it, and show it to my loved ones later has changed my life. Self-reflection and self-development have played the main role in my story so far and that was the first time that I really started looking inside ”, he continues his story. However, Sordell also got into a knot with himself again during this phase: “My ego was not exactly enthusiastic about what I discovered at the time. I felt vulnerable, I was struggling and I needed help. But every day after waking up, I put on my mask and pretended to be immortal. What I showed the world publicly every day was my ego activating some sort of defense mechanism to protect it from the pain as I languished inside. After I recognized this, I was able to open myself up to friends and family for the first time and ask for help. The love I received showed that it was good to be vulnerable and that my ego was the most damaging thing in my life as it made this impossible. It felt like opening myself up was a weakness, but the support of my loved ones, and later of a series of strangers after I shared my story publicly, showed me that it’s okay not to be sometimes. ”
“The sun shines behind that dark cloud”
“Looking back, although that period of my life has been hugely negative and by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, I also see it as what has had the greatest positive impact on my life so far. Without this depression, I wouldn’t be as confident and happy as I am today. I would never have started writing ”, he is positive in hindsight. Sordell is now also a film maker and co-founder of Oneighty Productions. On a personal level, too, he has made great strides: “I would have been a lesser husband and a lesser father to my two children, as I would have continued to suppress my feelings and be unable to express my emotions. to push. The things I love and enjoy the most now have blossomed from the darkest corners of my mind. ”
“Like many others do, I often share my story and emotional journey through my written texts or public talk and I always do so hoping that if there is someone with mental problems who listens, watches or reads along, they understand it’s okay to feel that way. Spreading this message has become an important part of my life and a task that I encourage others to take up. If you are someone who is struggling, please do not feel guilty or ashamed of these feelings, or of sharing your true emotions with those closest to you. You are so much stronger than you can ever imagine and while you may not be able to see it right now, the sun is shining behind that dark cloud overhead. Stay strong, stay safe. ”
Are you thinking about suicide or are you worried about someone else? Call 0900-0113 or chat via 113.nl.
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