God made male and female! Elmhurst resident Miguel Gonzalez, a 50-year-old Salvadoran construction worker, yelled at his high school student son when he began to sense that he was excited to attend some of the activities scheduled this year by the LGBTQ pride on the Avenida Rooseveltin Queens, just to tag along with one of his classmates.
“My father tells me that he is doubting if this is the city where he wants to raise his family, because he considers that we are surrounded by perversions, away from the commandments of God”, said ‘Manuel’ the youngest son of the Central American immigrant.
Actually “Manuel”, 16 years old, is assumed to be heterosexualbut he says that despite the influence he has received from his parents and grandparents, who almost programmed him since he was a child to reject “almost with hatred” to gayshis experience in the classroom and in the city, has led him to have other “feelings”.
“I have my girlfriend. I like women. But I have a lot of love and respect for a couple of gay friends from the neighborhood and from school who grew up with me. But my family doesn’t even allow them to come to my house. And they have demanded that I distance myself.” counted the young Hispanic who was born in Queens.
For this student, his family “problem” is nothing more than an anecdote, because at the same time he describes what he has heard from his friends, also of Hispanic descent, It has been truly “hellish”.
“My two gay friends, they lead a terrible life. Their parents threaten to throw them out if they don’t change. To a gay friend, the father does not speak to him. And mom doesn’t support him. And I understand them, because if it were my case, I would have already had to leave my house. Because my family would reject me.”emphasized “Manuel”.
The testimony of “Manuel” is not an isolated event.
What New York is the cradle of the civil rights of the LGBTQ communities and that, in addition, the pride of sexual diversity is celebrated with all its letters, for a whole month, that does not mean that at this very moment a child, an adolescent or a young person is not desperately suffering how to share with his family, their concerns about their own sexual identity or gender expression, in a neighborhood in the Big Apple, just as in any Latin American country.
More acceptance and less guilt
Since 2019, precisely at the crossroads that thousands of Hispanic families are experiencing, in the face of a reality that almost no one knows how to deal with, especially when you have the cultural weight of centuries of discrimination, a support program has emerged in New York aimed at to help Hispanic communities to travel this path.
It is the initiative “Love makes family” devised by the Wellness Center Oasis Latino LGBTS in Manhattan, a space where Spanish is spoken and is led by the Puerto Rican Gustavo Morales who from his personal experience, knows what he is talking about.
This islander, as a gay man, lived the thorny and almost always painful transition of “coming out” in a Caribbean family systemwho in general did not understand exactly what was happening to him.
Now beyond the tools that his studies in cognitive psychology gave him, he has the ability to put himself on all sides of the board that means help groups of Hispanic mothers, fathers and grandparentsto walk a path of more acceptance and less guilt.
“In the meetings there is always a constant. Mothers and fathers always assume a feeling of guilt. Almost always they interpret that the fact of having a son, a daughter or a son, gay or trans, has to do with something that they did very badly. Our first challenge is to work on acceptance as much as possible”, Morales stressed.
The activist observes that in the meetings held on the second Saturday of each month, it is very common for parents to be afraid of violence, ridicule and humiliation derived from being part of the LGBTQ community.
“They always navigate, and it is understandable, between pain and fear. For us as a team dedicated to the health of Hispanics, we try as much as possible to share tools and provide support. And above all listen, because each person is a unique universe”, remarked.
That fear seems to be valid, taking into account that according to organizations that defend the rights of the LGBTQ community in the Big Apple, and specifically in Queens, hate crimes have increased.
From January 1 to June 30 of last year, 317 hate crime incidents were reported and of which 120 arrests were made. Of those cases, 26 were against transgender people, 2 against gender non-conforming people, 12 against mixed LGBTQ groups, 114 against gay men and 12 against lesbians.
The program “Love makes the family” emerged months before the pandemic. From being a face-to-face experience, it opened the possibility of holding support meetings through digital platforms, which allowed a unexpected scope in other countries.
“What began as small meetings for New York Hispanic families spread to other countries through Zoom, which gave us a broader focus on how to make this program more efficient and culturally understand the perspectives of more people. It has been very interesting,” added the activist.
This initiative is carried out in association and with the advice of PFLAG, new york chaptera national organization founded in 1972, made up of parents, families, friends and allies who unite with people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ), to promote equality and education.
“My son is trans”
A a teacher in a school in the Bronxof Panamanian origin, who preferred to withhold his identity, told The newspaper that her only son decided at the age of 16 to “become” a woman.
“It was surprising. I couldn’t even have imagined that he wasn’t going to be straight. I work with adolescents and had ideas on the subject. I’m sincere. I don’t feel guilty. But I do have the certainty that trans girls, here in the capital of the world and everywhere, have a ticket to make everything more difficult for them. I don’t think anyone wakes up one day and makes a decision: now I’m a woman! That is a more complicated individual process.”shared the educator.
In the wide rainbow of the LGBTQ collective, the ‘trans’ community faces more complicated challenges, because they could be defined by radical decisions to change their names, dress codes and even hormonal therapies, which hardly an individual and a family can healthily facebut are professionally advised.
“Being transgender doesn’t mean the same thing to every person who experiences it. There are many ways to live this transition. In these specific cases, family members usually express more concerns and pain, but also the need to accompany their children in this process with the appropriate information. Obviously, in this sense, the fears are much greater, and the guilt too.”stressed Gustavo Morales of Oasis Latino LGBTS.
The central question that gravitates around relatives of children, adolescents and young people who show concerns about “transitioning” to another gender, different from the one they were assigned at birth is: Was it because of my upbringing?
In the guide titled ‘Our trans loved ones’, published by PFLAG, shows its position endorsed by the scientific community. In capital letters, parents are told: “!It’s not your fault! No one knows why a person is transgender, but we do know that there is no evidence to suggest that parenting or childhood experiences are in any way related to being transgender or gender expansive. There is no blame, as there is nothing wrong with your loved one“.
“I just want my daughter to be happy”
In the opposite corner of this situation, is the Ecuadorian immigrant mother Sisi Quishpe, who was hardly sure that her high school student daughter came out as a lesbiandid not hesitate to hug her immediately and support her.
“I have four children. And I just want them to be happy as they decide, as long as they are hardworking and good people. If that is your decision, I support it with all my love. She doesn’t stop being my daughter for that”, said the housewife who came to New York 20 years ago.
For the Quishpe family residing on Long Island, this reality was not the engine of internal struggles or doubts. Nor did they need the search for advice to address this “news”.
“Everything that happens to us They are God’s designs, that simple. We are called to love and protect our children”, concluded Sisi.
The religious factor
One of the aspects that has the most influence on Hispanic immigrants, particularly those who arrived in the country as adults, are the religious structures in which it is defined. love and the man-woman couple as part of “God’s plan”. On some occasions, everything that comes out of that heteronormative pattern enters a ring of doubts and anxiety. Also in some churches it is labeled as an offense and a sin.
“My dad repeats what the pastor of his church tells him. He says that all this They are demon possessions. When someone reveals that they are part of the gay or trans community, they pray for them to change”, says “Manuel”, a high school student who lives in Queens.
For the support group Oasis Latino LGBTSthe religious vision of each family, ends up being one of the aspects that is almost always put on the table at meetings.
the program leader “Love makes the family”, Gustavo Morales says that in many cases a situation that is very difficult to manage arises, because some feel that they are going to a wall where they must choose between their church and the love of their relative.
“It is very difficult to handle this sensitive issue, but in essence we use a very respectful strategy, understanding that religions are systems with individuals. And not everyone thinks the same. Therefore, in these extreme cases, we connect them with religious leaderswithin their own faith structure, to help them handle acceptance and continue to have your life of faith”he concluded.
- The group meets every second Saturday of the month at 10:00 am Spanish, English and ‘Spanglish’ are spoken. Family members and individuals living outside the country are welcome, but all require prior registration to receive the link to access the meetings.
- Look for detailed information at: https://www.oasiscenter.nyc/elamorhacelafamilia
- Call Latino Oasis in Chelsea at: (917) 438-0698 or Latino Commission (212) 584-9325.
- The PFLAG organization It also has counseling programs in various cities around the country and online information that can be very valuable. See: pflag.org
Understanding LGBTQ acronyms
In the Virtual Guide for Parents published by PFLAG, some terms that are often very confusing for Hispanic communities are clarified:
- LGBTQ is an acronym that includes the group of people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer. It is sometimes written as LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender), GLBT (gay, lesbian, bi, and transgender).
- The addition of the Q is a more recent version that includes the term queer that recognizes more fluid identities.
- The Q can also stand for ‘wondering’, referring to those who are still exploring their own sexuality and/or gender.
- Occasionally the acronym is also written as LGBTA to include to people who are asexual.
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