“’I don’t want a love affair with you anymore.’ We were with an oncological therapist. I had struggled for ten months and now it was over. I felt liberated. A feeling that lasted exactly ten minutes. Then the truth hit me hard in the face. Of course I was not free. We had a child together. I was forever connected to him and still felt responsible for him.
He never got completely better
When Robin and I were just together, it splashed off. People watched us on the street: we were so radiant. After a few years, the flame died out a bit. There was still love, but little connection. Robin got sick. He developed an intestinal disease, which made it difficult for him to tolerate food and often required hospitalization. I dived in completely, lost myself on the internet in searches for causes, (alternative) cures and food that he might be able to tolerate. I made yoghurts and soups and sat by his bed day and night.
He seemed to get better after a while, but he wouldn’t get completely better. Because he himself had the idea that work stress was an important cause, he quit his job. That seemed to help. The seizures became less, he didn’t have to go to the hospital as often and he was doing pretty well. We both wanted a baby for a long time, so we went for it. I was pregnant pretty quickly. We were overjoyed.
All in the hospital
At least in the beginning, because after a few months of pregnancy his intestinal disease returned in full force. Again regularly rushed to the hospital, making yoghurts and soups again and taking care of him as best as possible. In the meantime I had to make sure everything was ready at home for when the baby came. However, the baby did not come. According to the midwife, I didn’t feel relaxed enough for that. A delivery was therefore planned after 42 weeks. Two days before that I was still in the ER with Robin. Again he was rushed in.
When I reported to the hospital for the delivery, I really had to switch gears. I wasn’t there for Robin right now, I was there for myself and our baby. Robin was allowed to lie in my room when the contractions were induced. A bizarre situation. After birth it became a roller coaster. I just had a son, had to deal with breastfeeding and sleepless nights and in the meantime Robin struggled with his body. Sometimes our son and Robin would both lie in bed moaning with stomach cramps. I really didn’t know who to turn my attention to.
He continued to deteriorate
Our relationship became more and more difficult, also because we were both exhausted. Robin continued to deteriorate and also got complaints that had nothing to do with his intestinal disease. The GP sent us to the specialist and there he was diagnosed: acute leukemia. Robin received heavy chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant. His hair fell out and turned gray, had complications, his skin shed. People no longer recognized him, he looked like a man of 90. He was in constant pain and intense itching and could no longer be touched. He could no longer climb the stairs at our house, so he lived with his parents between hospitalizations. No one could stop his suffering, it was terrible.
Choice for my own future
Then I couldn’t take it anymore. When I was with Robin I felt anxious and depressed, but I also had a child who brought light and joy. It was like I had to split up to be there for both. I felt guilty when I had fun with our son. When we went to eat ice cream, I was ashamed. How could I sit here carefree while Robin was so sick? It completely tore me apart. I went to Robin with our child as often as possible, so that they could build a bond together. I helped him as much as possible and tried to keep it bearable for our son as well. I broke down inside. I felt I couldn’t keep this up. I was so fused with Robin that I no longer saw a future for myself, while I wanted to be optimistic and strong for our son.
After much consideration, the decision came. I had to end the love affair with Robin in order to be better for him and for our son. Robin hated it and so did I, but I couldn’t help it. I needed more emotional distance to keep myself afloat. Some friends condemned my choice, but I had no energy to argue with them. Fortunately, there were also people who supported me, such as Robin’s family.
In fact, little changed after the conversation with the therapist. I still went to Robin and was there for him, but I still felt guilty when I was having fun. I kept getting calls telling me to come to the hospital urgently if something was wrong.
Robin’s last days
One day, our son was now four years old, the phone call I dreaded for so long came. The last few days I’ve been sitting by Robin’s bed. I couldn’t do more than just be there. His family gave me all the space to think about the funeral. I even sang a song for him. It was a wonderful service, though it was much too short and hard to bear with the trams running and the sun shining as if something terrible hadn’t happened.
I find it unpalatable that Robin suffered so much and it is very sad that he was so saddened by my choice. This was not the easiest way, as some have accused me. It was the only choice I had at the time. I had to be a good mother to our child. That worked, Robin thought so too. Just before he died, he thanked me for that. It is impossible to express in words what that means to me.”
2023-05-18 07:00:33
#Lara #left #ailing #husband #easiest #accused
