How long has it been since I could not smell the scent of memories contained in the weather? The moment I realized that the sensations and beautiful memories that came to mind due to change were memories from at least 10 years ago, the memories of the past 10 years became something too embarrassing or painful to call memories.
The scent of warm weather with spring approaching always conveys excitement. After the cold winter, it is time to get out of the crouch and open your arms properly and start walking. The moisture on the leaves, which had been frozen as if there had been frost, turned into water droplets full of life, giving life to the leaves. I used to touch the water droplets on the green leaves for no reason. Two years have passed since we welcomed the new year, but now everything seems new and new, as if we are truly starting a new year. In this season when going to a new school, meeting new people, and the scent of freshness seems to be in the air, the word challenge naturally follows.
Summer announces its presence through hot sunlight. It hasn’t been long since I was wearing light clothes after a cold day, but suddenly, as if I was feeling unfairly treated, an intense light is sent out, giving me a feeling of heat. Nevertheless, such heat brings passion and the opposite, coolness. A day spent next to the flowing valley water, admiring its coolness, the sound of the sea waves that express youth, and the accumulated memories are bright and beautiful, as if the sunlight was captured in those moments. Even the occasional typhoon feels like an event amid the sweltering heat.
Then suddenly the heat subsides. At one point, it was even said that the air conditioner was turned on in the sky. Nevertheless, the blue sky that is still bright and high makes you feel cool rather than cold. As the old saying goes, it is the season of great despair. As proof of this, food availability is increasing. As I start to look for warm foods again that I couldn’t eat because it was too hot in the summer, I eat various things, go to the mountains to see the fallen leaves that turn the whole world yellow or red, and even though I can’t go in anymore, I stop by the sea and get lost in appreciation. The emotions felt from the sea seen at this time are completely different from those of summer. These changes in the weather sometimes remind us of things we had forgotten. As I miss the warmth, I naturally look back on the past, and then I feel regretful about the past relationships, and I run away somewhere to soothe this. Fall is probably the most sudden and bustling of all seasons. Therefore, it creates even more memories.
What announces the passing of that complex season is a strong wind that feels like it is cutting into the body. The cold makes us instinctively curl up and hide inside. At the same time, winter has arrived, the time when warmth is most desired. The air is really cold when you feel winter coming. If you let your guard down and take a big breath, which you would normally inhale, it feels like your lungs are freezing. Although it is this cold, ironically, it is the day when the most memories are created. I don’t know if it’s because I miss the warmth of people even more because of the cold, or because it becomes difficult to not be together. Just the fact that you come out in this cold, meet someone, and do something together makes that time special. If spring is the season of meeting and excitement, winter is the season of separation and sadness, and what used to be a challenge becomes a season of giving up or fruition. Maybe it stays even more because it hurts so much.
Over the past 10 years, I have been thinking about what memories I have left in these four seasons. Little things that come to mind briefly or things that were quite big things to me at the time come to mind one by one. However, all of these are not enough to be called memories buried in the new weather when I welcome the season. They are just fragments buried beyond memory. When I smell the scent of spring, I think of my school days when a new semester was just starting, and when the summer heat comes, I can hear the sound of water in the valley and ocean where I used to play as a child. In the fall, memories of wandering around and looking at various things at my grandparents’ farming house or meeting old friends in my childhood, going sledding without being afraid of the cold weather in the winter, and various snacks with a delicious smell come to mind. No memory was left in my scent enough to be called a memory.
I no longer think about the change of seasons. I hate the heat of summer and don’t like going out, and I’m surprised by the cold of winter and just hastily take out thick clothes. I can no longer remember spring and fall. It is a hasty life that is content with living meaninglessly day by day to leave something behind in such a short period of time.
Winter has come. I can’t even remember how I survived this cold and windy season. Today, when I left the house briefly, the wind picked up and I came back in, crouching down and covering my face to avoid the wind. I don’t feel like I have to overcome this cold and go out and do something. It’s been a long time since I avoided winter leisure activities like going to ski resorts, and it’s been a long time since I went out to enjoy the Christmas atmosphere. Since the summer heat, ‘Why go out when it’s hot?’ has simply changed to being cold.
I feel sorry for myself. I am not a person who simply changes passively in response to changes in temperature, but just a few years ago, I was active enough to go to the beach in this weather and had several unseen goals. I thought I would be able to accomplish everything as I worked through each step, but each time I started to see shortcomings or uncertainties, I guess I was getting tired without knowing it. Then, after something big happened and I let go for a while, I became afraid of holding on again. It may be one of the common things that anyone can experience, but strangely, I hate myself even more for not being able to recover. I am filled with thoughts that other people will go through this and still live well, but if I fall alone like this, I will end up falling behind, and I am filled with self-loathing.
Incidents that caused numerous failures, frustrations, and feelings of loss occurred one after another. I feel like I want to shout, ‘The heavens have abandoned me!’ Nevertheless, if I have to live, what kind of memories should I make by going out now, feeling the weather of the day? I can’t decide, but these days, only a little bit of anticipation is enough to get me out.
