The entire world surrounding Jaewon settled into place one by one and solidified. It was firmly and firmly established as it had been from the beginning, to the point where it might become a fossil. It wasn’t that difficult to come up with plans for one year from now and things that would be different three years from now. But why do I get depressed for a brief moment every time I think about that?
Although it was a joy to know that his future was stable, Jaewon could not figure out the source of his depression. Wedding with Jinhee, a larger apartment. A bigger car. First of all, starting next month, Jinhee and I will be going to a sports center a little away from the apartment complex. Jaewon did not feel that all of this was realistic even though it was a huge task, but since it was something Jinhee was happy about, he willingly participated.
In a corner of my heart, she was still engraved too deeply to be erased. It was so deeply engraved that he wanted to forget it, but it seemed like he could stop thinking about it, but it was forever etched in Jaewon’s heart as a scarlet letter. She became clearer when the wind blew. Old time was nothing but dust. When the wind blew, he couldn’t erase Yunhee, who flew away so easily and nested in Jaewon’s heart, breathing.
This is because the wind blows at any time without warning. The wind started from very far away. I couldn’t run away. I had no idea how many winds were still blowing toward Jaewon.
Even in the traffic on a congested road, the moment she put on her shoes after a company dinner, and the rain outside the window that suddenly fell during class, she was there. As if that place was my home.
Every time that happened, Jaewon stood with Yoonhee, even though it was not his own will. Sometimes she would sit facing Jaewon at the snack bar they frequented in front of the university he attended, and sometimes she would lie naked with him in a dark basement room even in the middle of the day. Every time that happened, Jaewon’s vision seemed distant. Only darkness of unknown depth remained at the end of the wind. At first, I thought it was just a regret or regret that would disappear with time.
However, I realized that it was much bigger than that. When Jaewon opened the door and entered, Yoonhee was lying on the bed, smoking a cigarette. She was always by Jaewon’s side, so tangible and detailed, as if he would be hugged when he was hugged. However, as time passed, the resources seeped into the air more and more quickly.
Jaewon thought she was being forgotten little by little. She became another man’s woman. He decided to become another woman’s man. That fact was a reality and a fact that could not be changed anymore. Jinhee was always by his side. A woman who easily gets anxious and cries even at the slightest emotional or tiring words from Jaewon. Every time that happened, Jaewon made up his mind that he had to forget Yunhee by any means necessary.
As soon as Jaewon said he was sorry to Jinhee, who was depressed, Jinhee suddenly brightened up and became peaceful. She was a simple girl. She told Jaewon everything that happened around her. Among the three supermarkets in Jaewon’s apartment complex, which supermarket has cheaper prices for which items, which house, the lady is kinder, which one gives better bonuses, which teacher at the academy he is close with, which student. From trivial details about why she didn’t come to the academy to stories about men she was involved with with her friends, she talked a lot for 24 hours a day, as if she wanted to show Jaewon everything that was in her heart, as if she was trying to be transparent in front of him. did it Jaewon quietly listened to her story until the end without a single complaint.
Yunhee wasn’t like that. Yunhee would sit next to Jaewon and watch videos, or read a book with her head on Jaewon’s legs or stomach, or just take a long sigh and smoke a cigarette. When I asked what was going on, he didn’t answer at all or just said, ‘I’m lonely.’ The nuance of loneliness sounded different every time. I wanted to ask more, but every time, Jaewon strangely seemed to know everything about the atmosphere and Yoonhee. just. It was because Yunhee was beautiful enough just by being together like that.
It was Yoon-hee who went out without any contact and knocked on the door of her room drunk at any time. Jaewon listened closely to Jinhee’s story and had to learn about many things that happened around her. He had to help her become transparent before him. Her story always ended with her love for Jaewon. Her heart wanted to prove it over and over again. This was because Jaewon knew her feelings (there were too many things left in his heart that he could not share with Jinhee).
Even when he was in love with Jinhee, Jaewon was overcome by a strong sense of guilt. Her body was smooth and without flab, but as he touched Jinhee’s breasts, Jaewon’s fingertips unconsciously met Yoonhee’s breasts that he remembered. When he entered Jinhee’s body, Jinhee contorted in pain and struggled to feel Yoonhee, who had been sucked in far behind. I found myself hitting.
Jinhee and Yoonhee’s bodies were completely different. Perhaps because of her guilt about sharing her body before marriage, Jinhee’s body was always rigid, and it took a long time for her to accept Jaewon. She was still holding the edge of Jaewon’s underwear with her fingertips whenever he took them off.
As Jaewon looked at her like that, he felt that it was one-sided. To put it in a bad way, sharing my body with her was not pleasant, and there were times when it felt as if Jaewon was raping her. Yunhee’s body always smelled of cigarettes and sweat mixed together, but Jinhee’s body had a very clean smell.
Sharing my body with Jinhee wasn’t as terrible as it was with Yunhee. Jaewon sometimes got the feeling that Jinhee just wanted it to end quickly. The distant feeling of death that I first felt from Yunhee could not be felt from Jinhee. Jinhee did not strangle Jaewon or bite his body.
The body is tamed before the mind. Although the memories of the mind are difficult to separate, they are not as difficult as the memories of the body.
Jaewon believed and believed that the sharp sword in his heart named Yoonhee would one day be blunted through Jinhee. Jae-won already knew that the only reason he could rust and become dull enough to not hurt when stabbed was his love for Jin-hee. When she was in Jaewon’s arms, Jaewon touched her hair and promised himself again and again.
It was the happiness of peaceful days. Have we already reached the age where we can be happy that nothing happens? There are many things I keep in my heart. I was at an age where I increasingly didn’t want to admit that losing even one of them, whether it was good or bad, meant that that part of my heart would become empty. I didn’t know how long I would live, but I didn’t want to lose anything during that remaining time. I desperately hoped so. No, it had to be that way. I also didn’t want it to be filled with only precious things.
Kim Gwang-seok’s song “Around Thirty” was played. That song somehow felt like a breeze to Jaewon.
I didn’t let you go, I didn’t leave you either
Little by little, it is forgotten.
I thought it was a love that stayed… …
Another day goes by. I live with separation every day.
Is Jae-won unable to accept that Yoon-hee is being forgotten? Or, do you want to remember her in a different form? Jaewon couldn’t understand why he, too, felt so depressed while listening to Kim Kwang-seok’s song. Was the feeling of touching Jinhee’s hair and making a promise only felt at that time? One part of his heart couldn’t accept that Yunhee was being forgotten, and the other part wanted to save his memories of her differently.
When I think about it, it wasn’t just a memory I wanted to forget. It was the happiest and most precious time since I was born. There were days when I couldn’t forgive myself for the actions I endured while looking at her at her wedding, but now enough time has passed that I can look back at those times from afar. Looking back, all of Jaewon’s actions and meanings toward her have become precious memories. I thought that living while thinking about memories like this might be a happy thing. However, she did not live only in memories.
The phone call from another world, which was completely unexpected, had the power to completely destroy the real world in which Jaewon lives.
On the way back from dropping off Jinhee, Jaewon received a phone call in the car while listening to Kim Gwangseok’s song. It was a transition to another world. (continue)
