Our research on modern employed fathers shows that while they still want (and need) to have a successful career, they also want to be present and involved as a parent and partner. They want to share the workload as well as the joys. They want to soothe a crying baby at night and be home for bath time and to read a bedtime story. They want fulfilling weekends with their family and meaningful time with their children throughout the week.
Unfortunately, workplace politics and tradition still hold fathers back. The conception of authorship as separate from professional life as well as the culture of presenteeism and face-to-face time have been the norm since the advent of the office as a workplace. Rather than confront this culture, many fathers succumb to it, especially when their finances are fragile.
Maintaining a network of parental allies can help fathers on two levels: support and promotion. In terms of support, your allies in parenting are the colleagues who will have your back when you have to rush home to take care of a sick child or who will lend you a compassionate ear when emotion overwhelms you. This type of support is interpersonal, informal, and can be encouraged in any company culture. If a colleague can help you emotionally or practically achieve your goal of success in your career and as a parent – and you do the same for them – then you are a worthy ally.
The level of promotion of your network of parental allies carries a higher goal: to change company culture, for the better. If you intend to make your organization a more welcoming place for working parents, going it alone is a strategy doomed to failure. Your allies can help you broaden the debate and take it in different directions. They talk to a wider range of people. They standardize ideas, and management begins to notice. Little by little, they are changing mentalities.
Consider advocating for a more progressive paternity leave policy. A father cannot fight for change alone, he needs allies to help him spread the good word. A majority of conversations where it is said that better leave results in happier and more productive fathers are necessary. Fathers, and those who intend to become fathers, stay longer with the company and it is easier to recruit new talent. What a company loses in presenteeism, it gains in loyalty. When fathers take longer paternity leave, it benefits mothers. These messages need to be propagated across the shop floor, through HR, marketing and financial services departments, and all the way to the CEO’s office.
Building your network of parental allies
There are more people than you think who can become your parenting allies. Many of them will be mothers. They have been fighting for parental rights in the workplace for decades and will appreciate the vigor that a new generation of involved fathers can bring. Among your allies, you can count parents older than you, those who remember the challenges they encountered when it came to reconciling family and career. An ally can have any role in the company, although those with direct influence on workplace parenting policy may be more effective. They can take the most varied forms, act as critical ears allowing you to test your own thoughts or ideas or may be in a position to disseminate these ideas widely. Here are some steps to start the debate.
Share your life as a father in all its chaotic and wonderful glory. We often hear about successful and popular fathers in the workplace who completely hide the fatherly side of their identity from their colleagues and clients. This reluctance tends to be contagious. To overcome it, simply start by talking. Discuss your weekend and mention your family outing. Say you’re leaving on time today so you’ll be home in time to read the kids a story. Joke about a diaper change that went horribly wrong.
Trivialize your life as a parent and your colleagues will see that you do not treat it as a taboo subject. Perhaps a parent with younger children will ask you for advice or a parent with older children will have some tips for you. Either way, you’ve created a space for discussion. If you are a manager, you have at the same time set an example for other fathers so that they too can talk about their life as parents. Don’t forget to mention the pressure inherent in your dual responsibilities. Make others feel free to admit that being a good employee and a good father can sometimes be quite a balancing act.
Raise your father flag virtually. If you work remotely, you won’t come across other parents in the kitchen, but the principle remains the same, even if you chat on Zoom or Teams. Hang your children’s artwork in the background. Put a family photo as your profile photo. Occasionally, attend a meeting with your child on your lap. Start a Slack group for parents and their issues, invite a few people and let word of mouth spread. Create a virtual discussion about raising children.
Join existing conversations. Your organization may already have official parent groups. These are great ways for moms and dads to start a discussion about issues at work that affect them as parents. We have hosted a number of parent networking sessions where we have been asked to speak about the challenges we have faced as working fathers. It’s more likely that parenting groups in the office are geared more toward mothers, because they are often the people most likely to have created them. You and your allies can help reverse this dynamic.
Create a network of fathers
If your workplace doesn’t have turnkey parent networks, start your own. Make it a network of fathers, at least initially, to publicly coax those who are reluctant. Some men might be repulsed by the idea of a parenting club and more comfortable discussing certain issues only with other fathers. You have plenty of time to develop this practice later, if it seems appropriate to you. We have seen the emergence of more and more work-related fathers’ clubs, particularly through our own program, “Dad Connect”, which aims to help fathers connect within organizations in a transversal manner.
Ask other fathers in your workplace if they would like to meet informally to talk about the topics that matter to them regarding fatherhood and work. This shouldn’t take too much time or energy; once a month at lunch time should be enough to start. Ask HR if you can advertise the group in the company’s internal newsletter or post an ad on the notice board. Maintain an email list or Slack group of interested people and contact them before each meeting.
As the group grows, expand its responsibilities. Invite a member of the leadership team to discuss what the company is doing to promote family-friendly business practices. Invite mothers to meetings or connect with company mothers’ groups. Create a document compiling innovations the group would like to see implemented as well as examples of best practices. Keep the group engaged between meetings with regular posts and encourage members to discuss mundane, practical topics, from family-oriented restaurant recommendations to the best things to do this weekend when you have a 4 year old child.
These are just a few ideas. What you do with your allies is up to you. Whether it’s formal or informal, and whether you’re having these conversations with fathers, mothers or anyone else, the most important thing is to start the discussion. A professional culture that recognizes working fathers is a step towards a more progressive vision of parenting and work. The more people who take part in the debate, the harder it will be to ignore and the sooner we create cultures that truly support working parents.
We’ve all heard the adage that it takes a village to raise a child, and of course we all know that if you want to advance at work and in your career, you have to be an effective teammate and a talented networker . But most fathers have not yet made the connection between these two facts and are slow to realize the importance of building a network of parental allies at work.
