Tips to Manage a Relationship with a Narcissist
Narcissists are disasters when it comes to pretty much every aspect of an intimate relationship. They lack empathy, seek conflict and need constant attention and validation, or all hell breaks loose.
Does Narcissism Affect Sex?
So how does this personality style show itself in the bedroom? Well, according to experts, narcissists can actually be passionate and skilled sexual partners, which makes relationships with them all the more confusing.
“Some people will say, ‘This relationship is a nightmare, but for the sex,’ ” says relationship expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula. “They’ll say, ‘Sex is great, but this person is horrible to me, and they’re callous and they’re cold and they’re dismissive and they’re un-empathic. But they’re really good in bed.’ “
Though sex with a narcissist can seem electric, it is usually because it’s serving the narcissist’s needs − not necessarily yours. Narcissistic people are reward-sensitive, liking things that feel good and often not thinking about the consequences. This makes sex the ultimate narcissist ground game.
Sex as Validation for Narcissists
Narcissists take pride in sexual performance because it feeds their egos. However, their focus is not on their partners’ needs, as their main objective is seeking attention, validation, and admiration, collectively known as narcissistic supply.
“Narcissists use sex as an opportunity for validation,” says psychotherapist Chelsey Cole. “They typically do this in one of two ways: by being great in bed and getting praised for that, or by being completely selfish in bed and making you work to please them. Either way, it’s all about the narcissist.”
Withholding Sex and Manipulation
Narcissists often withhold sex as a means of manipulating their partners. Narcissistic psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis explains that narcissists use sex to punish their partners by withholding it, as well as shaming their partners’ sexual performance.
“They use sex as a weapon, withholding it when you’re not doing what they want, rewarding you with it for doing what they want, and generally using it to get what they want,” Cole adds. “As the relationship progresses, sex becomes infrequent or non-existent and is used more and more to reward or punish you.”
The Performative Aspect and Hot-and-Cold Nature
Sex with a narcissist often feels performative and focused on the narcissist. It can have an almost pornographic vibe with a “Look at me” mentality. Narcissists can be passionate and caring during sex, but this dissipates once the act is over.
“They use you when they need something and put you back on the shelf when they’re done,” says Cole. “This is why they can be hot and heavy one minute and completely neglectful the next, because it’s not about intimacy, it’s about control.”
Understanding the Complexities
It’s crucial to consider the overall health of the relationship beyond just the quality of the sex. Sex can be a manipulative tool for narcissists, impacting the minds of their partners and creating a greater sense of intimacy where there may be none. It can be transactional, a means of shaming and control due to the narcissists’ lack of empathy, intimacy, compassion, and safety.
