1. Doubts are always present
The book is a very open, even revealing story about Mara’s life, her feelings, thoughts and experiences. Even after it was decided – yes, there will be a book, Mara still doubted whether it should really be published, whether she wanted to be so frank, almost naked in front of the public. “I doubted whether I really want to do this to myself… It’s one thing when the media writes about you, it’s another thing if you do it yourself, because it grows with criticism and comments and it’s impossible to predict the public’s reaction.”
2. The book was “written” unintentionally
It really was! Mara started attending creative writing courses to better prepare herself for writing lyrics for Astro’n’out’s seventh album and to look at the writing process from a different perspective. Being a conscientious cadet, she got excited and dutifully completed all tasks keeping up with the others. “And then I started playing with the term ‘book’…
3. A year and a half – that’s how long the book was written
Mara tried to write every day, but there were also periods when a creative crisis occurred and she gave up for a month or a half. “I wrote in stages using the timer or Pomodoro technique. It works as follows – set the timer for 25 minutes and write without stopping and allowing the flow of thoughts on the topic. You can stop and think about the sentences, but you can’t read over what you wrote and edit it. This technique was the secret of fluent writing, which made it possible to get a fairly large amount of text in a short period of time, which could then be edited and pushed together like a puzzle.”
4. The publication of a book is both a happy and sad event
“Within a year and a half, writing became a very cool ritual that I really enjoyed in the evenings. It was time with myself and my thoughts,” recalls Mara and adds that she managed to come to terms with this process, so now that the book has reached readers, it’s a bit sad that she no longer has to write.
After the book came out, Mara wanted to read it again, but she couldn’t. “I got to the second chapter and realized – no, right now I’m not ready to read it with a distant look. I begin to feel that I shouldn’t have written that and something else… It’s a changing feeling about a text that contains a lot of private information and personal reflections that you don’t want to bring up every day yourself and are not ready to tell others every day.”
Celebration of the opening of the book of the musician Mara Upmanes-Holstein
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5. With the first shot at the profession of dreams
Doing your dream job is undeniably a privilege, and Mara is one of the lucky ones who hit the mark with the first shot. However, she too has asked herself questions about whether she is in the right place, whether it is worth continuing and whether this is still her dream. While writing the book, Mara concluded that many do not know what they want to do, have not defined their dream. “I’ve been lucky and I take it as a lot of luck.”
6. Being on stage and singing is easier than writing and publishing a book
In the case of Mara – absolutely! “I’ve been on stage for 20 years, and together with Astro’n’out we’ve performed for bigger and smaller audiences, including those where we’re not the most expected artists of the evening, and I know how to handle it. But the book is out of my comfort zone. I was so nervous at the book launch and scared how the world would react. I’m amazed that people read and like it, and no one comes up with their own possibly different interpretation of what once happened. Of course, it seems exaggerated, because there is nothing like that already, but I was very afraid of receiving public condemnation. Well, I have conquered this fear of mine!”
7. The key to the book’s success is honesty – people appreciate it
“Openness has proven to be an incredibly liberating experience and is respected by others. You are honest, and even if others do not agree with you, they are not ready to hit you, because they are aware that you have revealed yourself naked and fragile,” says Mara and adds that she is very careful not to start raising, to say what is right. “Many bloggers write – ‘this book cannot be rated with stars, because it means rating a person’s life.’ I like it. In this sentence, I feel respect for the fact that these are my experiences and reflections, which can resonate and just as well be indifferent, but evaluating them – whether they are good or bad, is the same as evaluating a person’s life,” summarizes Māra.
8. Mara’s husband, musician Goran Gora, whose real name is Jānis Holsteins-Upmanis, has not read the book
“The husband read the first four chapters. And then we had an argument… I gave each chapter to read separately and we had a lot of good conversations and discussions. At that time, he was studying in dramaturgy courses and was thinking about how the character should be developed dramaturgically, while I – how to look at it from different perspectives. And then at one point he said – it’s your job, you have to decide for yourself… I realized that these are my doubts again, which require confirmation from someone else, and I have to deal with them. Jānis has read a fragment from each chapter, and it seems to me that he is completely clear about what I have said with this book. I know he will definitely read it as soon as he has a freer moment.”
9. Björn Natthiko Lindblad’s autobiography “Maybe I’m Wrong” inspired Mara to finish her book
When I started reading this story about a monk who lived in a monastery for 17 years and after returning to Sweden he reached the lowest point in his life because he proved to be unfit for secular life, I was expecting golden revelations. But the one revelation that runs through the entire book is “maybe I’m wrong.”
If at first I thought it was an empty phrase, then after reading the book I realized that it is one of the truths of life, because it really is – in every conflict I am sure of my rightness, but maybe I am wrong? I have to do this job in life, but maybe I’m wrong? When you start looking at the world like this, you become accepting. I can let go of my emotions because maybe I’m wrong. It’s liberating because you accept that maybe you don’t know everything yet. This book gave me permission to doubt. I always felt like I had to overcome my doubts, but I finally realized that I just had to accept them. The book encourages you to keep doubting and keep doing.
10. The book is Mara’s reconciliation with past experiences
“It is reconciliation in many forms. I’ve forgiven myself, the people I’ve been angry with and hurt, and life. I was very resentful of life after Ezra’s hospital phase, and perhaps I should have written it off, analyzed it, and evaluated it. I was waiting for a more direct answer, why I needed this experience, what it gives me. I thought about it all the time, but the answer didn’t come. I realized that maybe it’s okay that there is no greater answer at all, because this experience made me ask questions. Maybe that’s why this book exists. The last chapter also has open questions, because I’m not ready to teach anyone, to give ready-made answers, how it is or how it should be.”
Photo: Publicity photo
2024-01-18 05:32:00
#doubted #wanted #frank
