ENM, poly or open monogamy: these are terms that are becoming increasingly common on dating apps. Monogamy seems to be under pressure, especially in the capital. How can this relationship trend be explained? ‘Young people now want to feel total freedom, in terms of gender and also in relationships.’
Sara LuijtersJanuary 9, 2024, 1:02 PM
Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) is popular among people in their twenties and thirties from the Randstad, especially since dating apps such as Feeld and Hinge offer users the opportunity to express a whole spectrum of relational and sexual preferences. But that is not the only explanation why we seem to want to spend our love lives differently in 2024.
While the average person in 1850 only lived to be 40 years old, and a relationship might last a maximum of 15 years, today we easily reach 90. That throws a completely different light on ’till death do us part’: is it still realistic to be with the same person for the rest of your life? It is an issue that trend watcher Adjiedj Bakas raises in his book The Future of Love. It is becoming increasingly normal to have more love partners in your life, or even parallel love lives, says Bakas.
This week Open Monogamy (EW Bruna Uitgevers) was published by the American relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, a good acquaintance of relationship guru Esther Perel. By telephone from her hometown of Los Angeles, she explains the rise of non-monogamous relationships. “For the first time in history, marriage is optional, at least in the Western world and especially for women. We no longer have to get married for a mortgage, not for the children, not for financial security. Another form of relationship is especially interesting for women; In my practice I see that they want to develop and grow more often, they no longer settle for a bad relationship or sex life.”
“At the same time, the construct of monogamy has also changed over time, it is no longer the same as it was in the time of our grandparents. Previously, monogamy was about morality, monogamous marriage was mainly a way to keep women’s sexuality in check. Now that marriage is no longer a must, monogamy is increasingly about transparency and openness, lovers want to give each other (sexual) pleasure in addition to safety.”
The fact that we are living much older than before and remain fit for longer and therefore sexually active certainly also plays a role, says Nelson: “We are now on the threshold of a gigantic shift, this is the monogamous revolution. Everything is possible and allowed. And you no longer have to lie or cheat, as in traditional monogamous relationships, if you want to love multiple people at the same time.”
Complex emotions
Relationship therapist Nynke Nijman, author of the book Shameless sex, regularly discusses the subject of non-monogamy in her podcast Sex, Relationships and Love. “Society today is more focused than ever on individual well-being; needs, sex and relationships are also part of that. The range of choices and possibilities has always been there, but it was for a small group, and through social media it is becoming increasingly known and more open to discussion. As a result, more people are thinking more consciously about what kind of relationship suits them. There are now also more non-monogamous figureheads to look up to, which is a nice development.”
At the same time, you also see something else happening, says Nijman: “The quick fix of social media means that we are increasingly unable to resist short-term temptations. That produces big egos: ‘this makes me happy now, so I have a right to it’. Also in relational and sexual areas. Dating apps and erotic parties respond to the growing market for non-monogamy.”
Sculpture Fransje Immink
Nijman sees that in certain circles, such as in Amsterdam, it is now fashionable to call yourself ‘poly’ or ‘open’. “It’s great if you can give each other space and grant each other space, but non-monogamy is also damn complicated. Love is not so easy to predict. People who are fresh into an ENM relationship and open their relationship sometimes make a mistake about it. You have to continually tune in and be mindful of other people you allow into the relationship and allow to affect you. That can cause complex emotions. Open monogamy can bring all kinds of themes to the surface, from attachment styles to coping mechanisms, things that you are often less likely to encounter in the comfort of the monogamous bubble. It’s not for everyone.”
Look before you love
Love philosopher Jan Drost, author of The Romantic Misunderstanding, among others, is striking that in the lectures he gives the subject is more alive than ten years ago. “I once asked an audience: Who is scared when they hear about this relationship trend? Many people raised their hands and admitted that they found it exciting: will it endanger their monogamous relationship?”
According to Drost, the fact that there is more and more attention for non-monogamous relationships is because we are cultural beings: “It sings around, and you link your own desires to it. Suddenly you think: damn, that’s why I always feel so restless in relationships, I just long for more openness! Yet the basis of all loving relationships is security and for most people it still works best to be each other’s prize.”
“People I spoke to who opt for an open relationship seem to want to combine the benefits of a love relationship with the benefits of a friendship relationship. Or they say they want to ‘get the most out of life’, the latter is usually very much a self-centered idea and often resembles egocentric shopping behavior, in which the other person mainly functions as a means for satisfying their own needs. But I would say: look before you love, because even with a short-lived adventure you are dealing with a different, vulnerable person.”
Stretching boundaries
That consumerist attitude is a neoliberal misunderstanding, says Drost. “From the moment you are born, as a human being you need care and love. In relationships you always have to deal with the other person and you are also responsible for that.”
Yet ethical non-monogamy can also be beautiful: “Especially if you want to investigate together whether the obvious boundaries of monogamy are justified and whether they can be stretched a bit, without wanting to lose each other. Every relationship should be about doing justice to each other and how not to lose sight of each other.”
According to trend watcher Lisa van der Mije from Bureau Lins Amsterdam, we should certainly not underestimate the effect of the corona pandemic on the way people spend their love lives nowadays. “The young generation was stuck at home during a period when they should have been flourishing and discovering. The fact that their needs are now much greater and they want to taste all flavors is a logical response.”
The open relationship trend also coincides with non-binary development, she says. “Young people now want to feel total freedom, in terms of gender and also in relationships. Add to that the fact that the world is on fire and that freedom is being suppressed in many places, that creates even more desire for freedom.”
The marriage is over
Social demographer Jan Latten thinks that we are now at the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the trend of non-monogamous relationships. We continue to love each other, but in a different way, he says. “The millennial in particular has been raised with the idea that everything is at your feet and that you can choose. ‘As long as you are happy’ is now the main goal. Traditional monogamy is perceived as more restrictive, with evidence that relationships are now broken more quickly than before. The formality of relationships has also decreased, marriage is over. People first have try-out relationships, they are more wait-and-see and first see if they really fit together.”
It is currently still something of the vanguard, with a city like Amsterdam leading the way, but it will spread to a larger group in the coming years, says Latten. “Non-monogamy will normalize, just as unmarried cohabitation, blended families or four-parent families have now become normal. In ten years, half of the population will be openly monogamous, and institutions will have to adapt accordingly.” The long-term effect of this relationship trend is not yet sufficiently realized, Latten fears. “More account should be taken of this in the construction of new homes, among other things.”
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2024-01-09 12:02:00
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