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The pressure to achieve in society is increasingly harmful to our children. As a journalist, writer, and mother of three teenagers, Jennifer Breheny-Wallace wanted to understand the pressure kids and parents feel, and where it comes from.

So, in 2020, she conducted a first-of-its-kind national poll on parenting with the help of a researcher at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, according to a CNBC report.

One of the most fascinating things that followed was about a certain parenting style that hurt children’s confidence and self-esteem.

Critical parenting may lead to a “false self.”

Wallace said the most successful parents don’t take a critical approach to parenting.

She continued: “When a parent criticizes the child (Why can’t you be like your brother?), or when love seems conditional (I expect everything, as is the case in this classroom!), the child begins to feel defective.”

To deal with those painful feelings, a child learns to hide his true identity in order to become the person he thinks his parents want or need, according to Wallace.

This can lead children to develop what psychologists call a “false self,” an artificial personality that serves as a coping strategy to get the love and support a child needs to survive. The result is that he feels ashamed, unknown and unloved.

Over time, the false self can lead to choosing the wrong friends, partners or jobs, because these personas are essentially living another individual’s life, Wallace explained.

What do successful parents do differently?

Parents who raise stronger, more resilient children create an environment that allows them to make mistakes and not be afraid of failure, according to Wallace.

You can still love the person, but not love the action. When we are able to clearly separate the two, the child does not associate his value with his behavior, whether it is “good” or “bad.”

This doesn’t mean you can’t have expectations about your child’s behavior. You just have to pay attention to how you express these concerns. When a child behaves in ways that are not consistent with our values ​​or hopes, we still need to signal warmth even while expressing disappointment.

How do you show appreciation to your children?

A large part of a parent’s life consists of making children do things they don’t want to do, teaching them lessons, and setting them up for future success. But something is lost when our relationships don’t include enough time to enjoy each other and rejoice in what is inherently lovable in our children.

Gordon Flett, a psychology professor at York University, says it’s important to pay attention to the “micro-practices” you use with your children. “Do you enjoy it when your kids walk into the room or do you bombard them with questions, ‘How did you do on the test?’, to ease your anxiety?”

To this end, psychologist Susan Bauerfield recommends greeting your children at least once a day: “With complete, unabashed joy. This includes being physically affectionate and playful.”

A study conducted by the University of Notre Dame showed that children who grew up in physically affectionate families reported less depression, anxiety, and higher levels of empathy as adults.