“Political topics always concern people, and logically so, everyone has an opinion about them,” says social psychologist Kees van den Bos of Utrecht University. According to him, this applies to any subject that people have strong moral feelings about. “Think of other controversial topics such as the war between Israel and Hamas. Or the corona measures two years ago. These are not light topics of conversation.”
That is why many families in the United States have been making agreements about this for years. Like yesterday, during Thanksgiving. “Due to the current political unrest in the country and the different views on this, many Americans have made an agreement: at the dinner table we talk about the turkey, not about politics. That can also be a tip for upcoming family gatherings in the Netherlands.”
Timing crucial
A good political debate at the kitchen table is of course fine, but choose the moment and try to listen actively, says relationship therapist and mediator Bernadette de Vries of Fideliz Mediation. “The timing of such conversations is crucial. During festive moments it may not be the time to start a political debate.”
If you find yourself in a heated political discussion, try to listen without judging immediately and respect each other’s positions. “Even if you disagree, you can respect the other person. Try not to let the discussion affect you personally, but think about why someone reacts this way, often a feeling runs much deeper and old role patterns emerge. from the past.”
Bottlenecks
People who are committed to something want to share that feeling with others, says Van den Bos: “Those who are concerned about the climate, for example, will look for information to find out what is happening in the world and how they can interpret it. .”
According to him, the bottleneck lies in the strong moral feelings involved. “They want change and are motivated to make certain choices, such as no longer eating meat or flying less. Morality leads to fantastic things, but can sometimes also be difficult: the moment you take a moral position, you often disapprove of other positions .”
People often identify with a group or political party that fits their moral beliefs. If you are talking to someone who holds different moral views, Van den Bos advises mentioning this, if possible. “If you are unable to exchange arguments, you can resort to ‘let’s agree to disagree’.”
“With corona, some families thought differently about the measures, people were in danger of losing each other because of this. But such a crisis always blows over, the hot political debate of today also cools down again. Maybe you lose each other for a while each other’s point of view, but long-term relationships between family, friends, neighbors, exist longer than just today.” In other words: when emotions have calmed down, you can continue talking.
Shared values
Sometimes it can be good to find out what drives someone. If your neighbor wants a stronger immigration policy, ask him why. “Maybe the houses around the corner from him are given to status holders and not to his son who has been on the waiting list for seven years. If you understand his motives, you might understand his moral conviction better,” says Van den Bos.
De Vries adds: “Political views may differ, but can you find shared values with your conversation partner? Perhaps you both have a passion for healthcare, which is on the left and right of the party program.”
If emotions get too high, she advises walking away for a while. “Then literally state that the emotions are too much for you and you need a moment for yourself. Walk out of the room, get something to drink, go to the toilet. Then you can calmly resume the conversation or sit somewhere else. “
Black Pete
Some adjustments do not even have to be immoral, but take a little more time. Van den Bos: “This is the case, for example, with the Black Pete discussion. Some people were quick to make the adjustments, while others went a bit slower.”
“Does your eighty-year-old father say ‘Black Pete’ because he is used to it or because there is xenophobia behind it? If the latter is the case, you can say: ‘Dad, what you are saying now hurts me’, in the first case you can You think: we are going to visit and we will leave this discussion for a while. In personal relationships, good contacts can be disrupted by too much moralizing.”
Don’t allow everything
According to him, this does not mean that you have to allow everything. “If someone says something that you find racist or sexist, you can say: I distance myself from your principle, but I want to talk about this subject with respect. And you can park a topic if things threaten to go wrong. When someone says things that really go too far in your eyes, then say: we can’t reach an agreement here, but I was looking forward to a nice evening, shall we drop the subject?”
De Vries also advises choosing connection over being right. “Sometimes it’s more important to keep the relationship going than to be right. It’s okay to avoid a topic if it’s disruptive. Then say, ‘Can we talk about that some other time? That’s not the time now. the right time for it.’
2023-11-26 05:28:00
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