“Alcoholics Anonymous sounded like something American to me, but my husband turned out to be one too. We were married for 46 years and I never realized that his drinking was so problematic. Jan liked it, that’s for sure. When the children were still small and he was paid per week, he sometimes took half to the bartender, but after a few big arguments that was done.
He became a teacher and everyone loved him. In the evenings he often sat upstairs preparing lessons, sometimes until late. But yes, I also slept early because I always had to be at work at seven o’clock. I wasn’t looking for anything behind it. And I didn’t notice anything either. I never heard from others that they were worried either. Jan just functioned.”
“That’s exactly what really bothers me now. That I thought everything was fine, while he was apparently suffering. Why did he always need a calming drink? Was he sedated by default, without me realizing it? I can’t ask him anymore. Jan died to the coronavirus, it was over within two weeks.
For months I left his clothes hanging in the closet, his coat on the coat rack. I only opened the door to his office again when I had found the first bottles. Behind a pile of sweaters I found a half-full bottle of vodka. I was surprised, because Jan mainly drank beer during the weekend and whiskey when there was a party. So what was that bottle of vodka doing there?”
A problem or sloppy?
“At the bottom, near his old shoes, I found two more. And piles in his study, also bottles of rum. In his desk, behind the files in his bookcase, hidden in the leg of the lamp. In the shed even, where he hardly came. At first I was surprised. Then angry. Now sad. And sometimes angry again.
Did he not dare to confide in me? Was it really a problem or was he just sloppy? My son became furious with his father, my daughter thinks I’m making a fuss about nothing. Wasn’t Jan just Jan? And good for us? But I feel denied. Betray.”
“Everyone has a secret sometimes, or keeps something to themselves. But this is on a large scale. She is not a mistress, my daughter thinks, but that is how it feels. Jan consciously kept an important part of his daily life hidden from me. I can’t understand that. And what does it mean for my memories? The times we laughed like that, was he actually drunk?”
Joint account
“I just don’t understand why he needed sedation so often. He wasn’t depressed or anything. We shared a joint account, so I don’t understand why I never saw it.
No tons of money went to the liquor store, but judging by the amount of bottles, Jan regularly bought something. He planned and arranged all that without my knowledge. That’s where the pain is.”
“I also feel guilty. That I didn’t see this. His struggle. That Jan apparently felt like he had to hide his drinking from me. Or worse: that he apparently couldn’t come to me. We were together for so long, loved ones and friends. And yet I couldn’t be there for him in this regard. He wouldn’t let me be there.”
Double mourning
“I went to talk to the doctor, and he said that addicts often feel ashamed. Perhaps that is it. But even then our relationship is in a different light than when Jan was still alive and that feels like double grief to me.”
Wanted: Love Lessons
For the Love Lessons section on RTL News Lifestyle we are looking for beautiful, vulnerable, funny, inspiring and honest love lessons. An insight, a moment of reflection. Preferably with your hand in your own bosom. In the end, did you turn out to be the one with a fear of commitment? Should you never have emigrated for love or did a blended family prove to be an illusion after all? Journalist Hanneke Mijnster would like to ask you all about it. You can tell anonymously. Email to: hanneke.mijnster@rtl.nl.
2023-10-11 18:05:44
#Tonny #Apparently #Jan #felt #hide #drinking
