You share joys and sorrows with your partner, that’s just the way it is part of the package. But well, that is sometimes easier said than done, especially if that suffering grows into a psychological illness. If you (or your partner) suffer from depression, it will certainly have an impact on your relationship. But the opposite also applies: your relationship also influences depression. A psychologist explains exactly how that works. She also shares how you can get through this tough period alone or together with your partner.
Can you get depressed from a relationship?
‘It is certainly possible to become gloomy because of a relationship,’ says Denise Habets, psychologist. ‘For example, you may feel that you are not understood or that your partner is not happy. If you keep walking around with those thoughts you can end up in a negative spiral. Then you withdraw, you feel guilty and you soon get caught up in negative thinking patterns.’
‘In such cases, that gloom can remain dormant and sometimes even develop into a depression. I myself prefer the term mood complaints to depression or major depressive disorder. I notice that people are frightened by the word depression. By focusing on the mood complaints, the problem becomes manageable. In this way I hope that people dare to ask for help more quickly.’
Triggers in a relationship for depression
‘Look for the triggers of your gloom and dwell on the thoughts that come to mind at that moment.’ If those triggers are particularly related to your relationship, that could be where the core of the problem lies. But sometimes gloom can also blow over from elsewhere and affect your relationship.
Factual and negative thoughts
‘Some thoughts are factual, but there is often a lot of noise surrounding them. For example, you may think that the other person does not understand you, that you are not good enough, or that you are doing things wrong. Often people never explicitly ask their partner for this, but fill it in themselves. With mood complaints, negative thoughts displace the actual ones. You sometimes start behaving differently, for example by withdrawing. That can deteriorate your relationship again and that’s how you end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is important that you keep communicating with your partner and that you never draw the conclusion that your gloom is only due to the relationship. Make it a subject of discussion to investigate this.’
Curious about other triggers? Here are five causes of depression.
What does depression do to your relationship?
‘Partners often lose connection during a depression,’ says Habets. ‘People are often ashamed of their complaints, or are afraid that their partner will think they are a poser, for example. With mood complaints and depression you often see that people withdraw and communicate less about how they feel. As a partner you sometimes no longer recognize someone or you have even lost them completely. That is very complicated and makes it even more difficult to discuss it.’
How can you deal with depression when you’re in a relationship?
Of course, you can also feel guilty about that changed dynamic. With a bit of bad luck, there is also the fear that your relationship might be destroyed by the depression. At such a moment it may feel like the gloomy thoughts are dragging you down the drain, but know that you can always influence it yourself. Ultimately, you are in control of your feelings and in many cases it is possible to break through those negative thought patterns. Habets shares tips to help you and your partner with this.
Tips for yourself
‘Put your thoughts on paper. Often you can then more easily distance yourself and it all becomes a bit lighter. It is therefore easier to start thinking about where it comes from.’ ‘Discuss it with your partner, as difficult as that is. If you still find this too exciting, contact your loved ones or make an appointment with the GP’s GGZ practice nurse. Ultimately, it is important to always keep communicating with your partner so that you both have a chance to work on things.’ ‘Don’t be ashamed of the complaints. That’s the number one reason people don’t talk about it. You’re not alone, know that.’ “Try to stay active, even if it’s just something small. Go outside to do your shopping, try to get enough exercise and maintain your eating pattern and sleep rhythm. In short: maintain your basic lifestyle and stay active. If this doesn’t improve after two weeks, it’s time to sound the alarm and see a doctor.’
Knowing more? Read all about treating depression here.
Tips for your partner
‘Try to stay connected by asking questions with a open mind. Name what you see and check whether that is correct.’ ‘Ultimately, someone with depression will have to take steps towards recovery themselves, but a partner can certainly support them. So try to find out together whether you can mean something.’ “Keep inviting your partner to stay active by going for a walk together or going for a cup of coffee. If this doesn’t work, then it’s time to call for help. It is also important that you do not get pulled into the depression yourself. Protect yourself and keep doing fun things that make you happy.’
Do you also have serious thoughts in addition to the above complaints? Always make an appointment with your doctor to discuss this. You can also call the 113 Suicide Prevention Foundation 24/7 on 0800-0113.
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2023-08-31 12:09:16
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