Dress like a Parisienne. Raising your kids like a Parisienne. Furnish your home like a Parisienne. Work like a Parisienne. Live like a Parisienne. Every so often a book, blog or other project attempts to get a grip on the female Parisian. Tips are often shared on how to mimic her life.
There is not that much interest in Madrilenian women. Or the inhabitants of Rome or Berlin. What makes them so attractive? And who is she anyway?
NRC asked Marie Louise Nijsing (57) and Renée Koudstaal (47). Photographer and documentary maker Nijsing released the photo book at the end of May I am Parisian out, with the photos and the personal story of 102 Parisiennes from 0 to 102 years old. Koudstaal is a style coach and author of Live like a Parisienne, even if you’re very Dutch. Nijsing grew up on the Côte d’Azur and lived in Paris for many years before settling in Nuenen. Koudstaal lived in Paris for twenty years and now divides her life between the French capital and Amsterdam.
In a triangular conversation via a video connection, Nijsing and Koudstaal make one thing immediately clear: “The mythical Parisienne, who walks across the Pont Alexandre III with her flowing hair and a Hermès bag, is a marketing product,” says Koudstaal. The persistence of this stereotype was one of the reasons for Nijsing to make her photo book. “I wanted to show who is behind that myth, who the real Parisiennes are.” Her book features successful businesswomen as well as catering workers and skateboarding teenagers from all arrondissements of the city. “The women themselves also wanted to show that they are not that girl with a beret under the Eiffel Tower.”
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But the Parisiennes do have things in common that set them apart from Dutch women – the contrasts are probably what make ‘the Parisienne’ so interesting. “When I came back to the Netherlands more often after twenty years in Paris, I saw how big the differences are,” says Koudstaal. According to her, it is characteristic of Parisiennes that they put themselves first more often. “It’s totally okay to say: me, me, me.” As an example, she mentions that it is completely normal to set aside two hours for lunch, or to go to the hairdresser extensively, “even if you have a busy job and four children. There is no guilt because you don’t have to choose. It’s both-and.”
The difference can be explained historically, we philosophize. During the two world wars, French women played an important role in society, because many men went to the front, says Koudstaal. In the middle of the last century, in some circles in the Netherlands, not working was still a status symbol for women. That has never been the case in France, thinks Nijsing. “Of all the Parisiennes I spoke to, their mother also worked.” Religion can also play a role: Dutch Calvinism can mean that women feel less freedom to follow their own plan.
In any case, it is certain that French women are more often financially independent than Dutch women. In the Netherlands, according to figures from Eurostat more than 60% of women work part-time (and less than 25% of men), in France less than 30% of women work part-time (and less than 10% of men). “That influences life choices,” thinks Nijsing. “Parisiennes dare to choose for themselves what they study, where they work, with which partners they are.”
Tennis, hockey, yoga
It also makes the relationship between mother and child different. “In the Netherlands, as a mother you have to adapt to the child, in Paris it is the other way around,” says Koudstaal. As an example, she cites women (including herself) who take their children to professional appointments – where the children keep quiet. “While life in the Netherlands revolves around the children, especially at the weekend. They have to go to tennis, they have to go to hockey, they have to go to yoga. Where are you then as a mother?”
A factor in this is that families in France are more hierarchical. Children are seen less as equals to their parents. And the French school and care system is geared towards families where both parents work full time. Children receive a hot lunch in the school canteen, the lessons end later and the extracurricular activities are pasted after that. Parents who can afford it also have a nanny or au pair who cooks and looks after the children until dinner.
It gives French parents and therefore also mothers more room to choose what suits them. “In the Netherlands, many women do not consciously choose to work part-time,” says Koudstaal. “’It went without saying,’ they say when you ask them about their considerations. ‘My husband earned more so it was only natural that I took a step back.’ But if you keep asking: what are the consequences for your career, what if you split up, it turns out that this has not always been consciously thought through.”
A factor in this is that childcare in the Netherlands is much more expensive than in France: working a day less is often financially more attractive than paying for an extra day of childcare. This is also one of the reasons why the Dutch cabinet wants to make childcare almost free.
The Dutch ‘mother mafia’ also plays a role, they think. “In the Netherlands, as a mother you have to answer to other mothers if you work full-time, while in Paris that is so normal that it is not questioned,” says Koudstaal. When she herself applied for five days of care for one of her two sons at an Amsterdam crèche, she also got a surprised look from the crèche teacher. “’That’s not good for your child at all,’ she said! While it is really not the case that all Parisian children are unhappy.”
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When we talk about Parisian children, we are talking about The little Prince – the most famous French children’s book, in which all kinds of philosophical and social lessons are hidden. That is also a difference between Paris and the Netherlands. “Culture has been present in Paris from day one and is seen more than in the Netherlands as a personal enrichment,” says Nijsing. She cites as an example the extensive attention to art and literature at primary school, which she noticed in her childhood years on the Côte d’Azur. “And in Paris, culture is everywhere.” The presence of art and culture differs per neighborhood – with chic districts such as the sixteenth and the seventh being better equipped. But also in poorer arrondissements there are many bookshops, theaters and cultural centers, and streets named after philosophers and writers. Posters for books and theater performances are also indispensable in places such as metro stations, which are visited by all socio-economic groups.
Less tempted
According to Nijsing, it is the reason that “there is no Parisienne without a passion”. This is also noticeable in her photo book: all women have a hobby, whether it’s skateboarding, writing novels or theater. Koudstaal: “In addition, you see that Parisiennes choose for themselves: they make time for what is important to them. Dutch women learn to set boundaries, while women in Paris are encouraged to experience everything there is to experience.”
Olena Sergienko’s photo
A lot of attention in books and projects about the Parisienne goes to the clothing style of the Parisian woman – often striving for her famous I don’t know whatimitate appearance. It is not something that is in the blood, says Koudstaal. It is taught. “In many families you have a mother, aunt or grandmother who is a figurehead and who gives children good quality clothing from an early age.” Not necessarily practical children’s clothing, but soft fabrics, beautiful buttons. “As a result, children are used to quality.”
Parisiennes (and Parisiens) are also encouraged from an early age to find out what kind of clothes suit them – their body, their character. “With the effect that the Parisiennes know exactly what suits them. As a result, they buy less and more specifically. And they are less tempted by trends.” This is reflected in the street scene: “Unlike in Amsterdam, not everyone wears white sneakers in Paris because they happen to be hip now.” Nijsing: “In Paris, even small children wear leather shoes.”
According to Koudstaal, it is important that being concerned with appearance is not seen as something negative in Paris. “In the Netherlands, I notice that people find it difficult to accept that superficiality and depth can go together. For example, I can be seen as an influencer, but I also read books and am politically engaged – the Dutch find that complicated. While in Paris conversations go from theater via red lipstick to politics and literature – without anyone finding that strange.”
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Arrogance
The life of the Parisienne sounds rich and beautiful. “But it is also incredibly hectic,” emphasizes Nijsing. “The days are long, they live from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m.” The busy city, with its many cars and little greenery, the small apartments, the expensive life and the full agendas are not for everyone.
And the image that exists elsewhere in France of the Parisienne – that she is aloof and arrogant – is also not unfounded. “They are really not always nice,” says Koudstaal. She remembers a colleague she wanted to befriend but was alone for months bonjour in Have a good evening said back. “Where in the Netherlands you have made so many friends in a pub, in Paris it can take years. I think it’s because they don’t like small talk and don’t appreciate friendships until they go deep.” But, adds Nijsing, „once you’re friends, you’re friends forever. Then you will be accepted into the family”. After hard work, Koudstaal’s somewhat distant colleague is now one of her best friends.
Nijsing and Koudstaal are clearly fond of Paris and its Parisiennes. But Paris also dreams about us, says Koudstaal. “I know enough Parisiennes who are jealous of Dutch women. Because they think we are modern. Because we are tall. Because we have long blond hair, look natural.” So romanticizing is not only reserved for the Dutch woman.
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A version of this article also appeared in the July 4, 2023 newspaper.
2023-07-03 19:00:19
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