Understanding and Supporting Children with ADHD: Expert Advice for Parents

Raising children remains a difficult issue, every parent has questions about how best to approach something. That’s why we ask a question to an expert every week. This week, ADHD coach Annemarie Laarmans answers the question: what if my child has just been diagnosed with ADHD?

“Before you decide to have your child diagnosed, there has been a period of uncertainty, ambiguity, shame, powerlessness, feeling misunderstood, fear, etc.”, says Laarmans. “You notice that your child is having a hard time and you feel powerless: what is wrong with your child and how can you best support this? The moment a diagnosis is made, therefore, has often required a long breath from the parents and the child.

Learn to understand your child

When that diagnosis finally comes, the most important thing is to make sure you understand your child. What is ADHD? How can ADHD affect your child? As a parent, you probably already made a start with this, when you suspected that ADHD might be involved. What is especially important: make sure that you as a parent know how it works for your child. What does your child need, in what situation? This gives your child the idea that it can be completely itself and is not ‘annoying, lazy, slow, busy, chaotic, etc’.

Of course, these are matters that require attention: think of emotion regulation, being able to maintain attention, task initiation, planning/prioritisation, organization, time management; they are things that are just more difficult for people with ADHD. The brain works differently and that is why it is so important to know how it works in your child and how you can help your child. After a diagnosis, children often receive help with how they can best deal with the things they encounter and suffer from.

Different or different

The best thing not to do is tell your child that they are different or deviant and need help to change. This is so harmful to a child, who has probably been told for years that it is not ‘as it should be’. As a result, self-esteem may already be low and that will not improve if you tell the child that it is indeed not good and must therefore change.

Tell your child it’s okay. That the head works a little differently than with other children. That they are not the only ones and that mom and dad are going to help to make sure the head calms down a bit. Even children, no matter how young they are, often have little contact with their bodies. They are mainly in the head, a merry-go-round of thoughts. As a result, one child with ADHD withdraws and becomes calmer, while the other becomes busier. In 99.99% of cases, the child never shows this behavior on purpose.

Mixed feelings

It is normal for parents to have mixed feelings about the diagnosis. There is often a sense of relief, because you finally know what’s going on. Something you have felt and seen for a long time is confirmed. That’s so nice! Also because you know that help will come now, both for your child and for you as parents.

The feeling that is often also present is the one that corresponds to: ‘Oh no, I don’t want this, my child should not be any different.’ The outside world quite often has an opinion about diagnoses or ‘stamps’. In addition, the perception of ADHD in society, but also in autism, for example, is still very limited. As an ADHDer you can suffer quite a lot from that, in the sense that you experience misunderstanding and do not feel heard.

Fear of what’s to come

So what also plays a role is the fear of what is to come. In the near future, but also further in time: how will things go at secondary school or secondary education? Will my child be able to live independently? These are all things that often go through parents’ minds.

Fortunately, I know that there is a lot possible to learn how to deal with how ADHD works for you. ADHD has many beautiful qualities. ‘We’ are very creative and sensitive people. We care deeply about others, often too much and at our own expense. We are huge out-of-the-box thinkers: we come up with ideas that others often have not thought of. We also often think ten steps faster than others, which can sometimes make us seem impatient.

Stay yourself

As a parent, you want your child to remain himself, even with ADHD. You do this by making sure as a parent that you know what your child needs. From you as parents, but also from the teachers and the rest of the environment. If you know what your child needs, you as parents can ensure that your child can be completely himself, in any situation. Of course within certain limits.

I have ADHD myself and I have learned that it is so important and essential that in addition to understanding your child better, you also need to understand yourself better as parents. ADHD has a hereditary component of about 75 percent. It is possible that one of the parents also has ADHD. This also often explains the clash that parent and child can have, for example with emotion regulation, both can then react very emotionally.

ADHD family line

Often lights come on when the questionnaires are completed as part of being able to make a diagnosis. In my family, the diagnosis of my oldest child has started a movement. I was diagnosed after nine months and my youngest child again six months later.

As a parent you unconsciously brought many patterns, habits and beliefs from your original family. Regularly, an entire ‘ADHD family line’ can be discovered afterwards. So parents: learn to understand yourself, get started with your own hurdles in life. Clean them up. This creates space to be yourself and allows your child to do so much more easily. ADHD is primarily a strength, not a burden.

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Innovative thinkers, we think outside the box and often have a unique perspective on things. It’s important to focus on these strengths and help your child develop them.

Seek support and guidance

After a diagnosis, it is crucial to seek support and guidance. Educate yourself about ADHD, attend workshops or support groups, and connect with other parents who are going through similar experiences. Building a network of support can help you navigate the challenges and uncertainties that come with raising a child with ADHD.

Additionally, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Consider working with an ADHD coach or therapist who specializes in working with children with ADHD. They can provide you with valuable insights, strategies, and tools to help your child thrive.

Establish routines and structure

One effective way to support your child with ADHD is to establish routines and structure. Children with ADHD often struggle with time management, organization, and task initiation. Providing them with a predictable daily routine can help them feel more grounded and in control. Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps and use visual aids or timers to help them stay on track.

Furthermore, create an organized and clutter-free environment for your child. Minimize distractions and create clear expectations and rules. Keep in mind that consistency is key when implementing routines and structure.

Encourage self-advocacy

As your child grows older, it is important to encourage their self-advocacy skills. Teach them about their diagnosis and help them understand how it affects them. Encourage them to communicate their needs, ask for help when necessary, and advocate for themselves in school or social settings. Building these skills early on will empower your child to navigate their ADHD and succeed in various aspects of their life.

Celebrate progress and strengths

Lastly, celebrate your child’s progress and strengths. ADHD may bring challenges, but it also comes with unique strengths and abilities. Acknowledge and celebrate your child’s achievements, no matter how small they may seem. This will boost their self-esteem and motivate them to keep working towards their goals.

In conclusion, receiving an ADHD diagnosis for your child can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Educate yourself, seek support, establish routines, encourage self-advocacy, and celebrate your child’s progress. With the right tools and guidance, you can help your child navigate their ADHD and thrive.