“Discovering the Humanity of Our Parents: A Son’s Reflections on Loss and Legacy”

“I think mom and dad became famous because of me.” Paolo Kessisoglu he wrote only this to his sister, after realizing what had triggered her story of what it feels like, as a child, when you lose your parents. It was enough to publish an old photo of the couple, in black and white. And open your soul, with sincerity. «I was overwhelmed by the messages, frankly it wasn’t planned. What I posted was just one of the many images I found in recent months, after their deaths. She seemed so beautiful to me… and then they kissed…».

Wasn’t that often?
“I must have seen them three or four times altogether. In short, rarely. They were very reserved and of few words. But that photo, like some of their other objects, moved something. They made me realize that my parents were also people, entities other than those I simply saw as mum and dad».

He writes that they died a short distance from each other.
“My mum died last June of what at first seemed like a simple infection. She was a cold shower for everyone, she was 77 years old. My dad was 83 and died just after New Year’s. Again, it was sudden. My sister and I found ourselves face to face with all their belongings: we had to decide what to keep, what to throw away… we’ve been having a psychoanalytic session that has lasted for months».

What surprised her?
“Realizing that they were people, in fact. I found three hundred love letters they’d sent to each other when my father was in the military. I read a few and ran into what I later understood was a sort of “fight” between them, with my mother jealous because he had told her that maybe it wasn’t the right week to visit him in the barracks… see them below this light made me think a lot».

Unexpected finds?
«Like many people of their generation were serial hoarders, my father was also a collector. Which I knew even if I didn’t imagine the extent of his collections, ranging from postage stamps to football team pennants. I can’t throw anything away, I feel like I’m doing him an injustice. And that’s not all: my father was a great Genoa fan while my passion for football had become a bit watered down over time: since he’s gone, now I watch half a game… funny this thing, it seems to me that he too sees it a bit like this, I seem to be connected».

Did you have a good relationship?
«Yes, even if for a period, years ago, I had distanced myself a bit from them. It was all back, but today I would try to mend it faster. It helps to understand that parents are not perfect machines, but people, like us. I’ve been realizing it even more since I’ve been separating from my wife: I’m no longer a super hero dad, but the relationship with my daughter seems to me almost improved thanks to this awareness. Mine were two good examples: they were good people. Now I meet a lot of people who remind me of that.”

For example?
«People who tell me that my father had given them a painting, friends who tell me that my parents had lent them money without wanting it back, even though they weren’t sailing in gold. The last time it happened in the garage under their house: I went to pay but the gentleman who runs it prevented me. Then he showed me a Capodimonte ceramic depicting a footballer and he said to me: your dad gave it to me ».

Didn’t you imagine all this?
“I knew they were generous, but not all of this. I also found a binder in which my father had clipped and kept all but all of my interviews: from covers to blurbs. I found some diplomas from my mother as a typist: when we were born he had decided not to work anymore, but now I wonder what his aspirations, his dreams really were ».

Didn’t you ever ask him?
“I admit I haven’t been a great talker, but I’ve never talked so much with my parents since I’ve been gone. I like to imagine what they would answer me now. I wish I had the opportunity to ask them about things that don’t pertain to their role as parents. It’s as if their disappearance made me less self-referential: I realized that there were a lot of things about them that I didn’t understand».

How did your father experience the loss of your mother?
«After 60 years in symbiosis it is tiring. To help him, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do and he, who knows why, replied: a trip to Palermo. I booked right away, not imagining it would be the last. It was a suspended and beautiful time in which he talked to me about everything, revealing to me, for example, that he would have liked to be the captain of a ship. My father captain of a ship: absurd. That time only ours seemed to me to have put him back on track a little”.

Is there anything it still can’t do?
“I can’t delete their phone number from my phone book. Shortly after my dad died, I asked my sister to send me a photo that was on her phone: seeing her name appear on my screen once again, in the message notification, made me feel an emotion that I struggle even now to explain.